the asaff... patiently waiting to see what God has for me... or not so much.

yawn

2012-02-10T13:19:00.001-06:00

It's exhausting trying to always be happy and pretending that everything is ok. It's not ok.

And no one I'm around all day, every day cares at all.

This can't be the way it's supposed to be, right?

This isn't what this is supposed to feel like, right?

writing it all out.

2012-02-07T22:45:00.001-06:00

ok. so i suck.

maybe once a week is a better goal for me to have. though i would have screwed that one over last week too. ;)

even still though, i'm blogging at this moment! :D

so for the last week or so, i've been writing out of my Bible. yep. writing it out. by hand. it's actually been pretty cool. i was going to do the book of james, but i was reminded of how much i really love the book of colossians. my favorite part is chapter three. which is what i'll be writing tonight. i think that i've probably read the entire book of colossians at some point, but i don't know that i've ever studied it in depth.

i take that back. at Passion07 we did an inductive study on colossians each morning in our family/community groups. but i was going through a whole lot at the time and i don't think i really absorbed much of it.

so, it's been good for me to be writing it out and having to think about it more as i do so.

it's also been good because this has gotten me into The Word. my quiet times are pretty much nonexistent, so this is a good way for me to actually BE in the word. i'm developing more of a habit with that than i have with anything else that i've done in a while. you've got to start somewhere, right?

even though i'm not reading as much as i should be for the whole "discipleship plan" that i'm on, and i'm not praying as much as the plan says i should be, i'm still spending more time studying and listening to God than i was before. i'm doing more to seek Him than i was before this whole thing started. so i think that's good.

i've actually only written for three nights, but the nights i missed writing, i really did miss that time. i'm starting chapter three tonight. it's not taking as long as i thought it would, so i think i'm going to repeat colossians at least once, maybe more, before i move on to another book. :)

well, i was going to write out some of the thoughts i've had while writing out colossians, but i'd rather skip that for now and actually write for a while. :)

maybe tomorrow.;)

oh, and if you've never checked this website out, do yourself a favor and click on over to rainymood.com. SO GOOD! :)

it's gotta happen!

2012-01-26T13:41:00.000-06:00

ok, so this was my post on jon acuff's blog back in december:

guess how much work I've actually done on my Finish Year goals!

that's right... NONE!!!

so i'm starting number seven right now. writing!

what i need to keep in mind is that these writings don't have to be long. they just need to be honest. they need to be real. they can't be fake. they can't be easy.

so here it is, my commitment to myself for this year:

write three times each week.
keep the length to what feels right. if it's two words, it's two words. if it's two-thousand, it's two-thousand. length does not matter.
be honest. - don't mince words or write half truths. write what is happening and what's moving you.
be real. - again, don't write half truths. tell it like it is. if it's not pretty, write it. if it's mushy and mildly sickening, write it! just write what you need to. it's ok. this is YOUR blog, not someone else's. if they don't like what they read, they can stop reading it. write what you need to.
have fun with it. don't let this become a burden. let it be something that allows you to express what you NEED to in a way you WANT to.
don't stop. keep going. even when it's hard to do.

so there we go. let's get it done! this IS something that i will be able to say i finished this year. i'm going to do it.

NOT finishing... that's not an option.

three months is a long time. a lot can happen...

2011-09-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

wow. it seems so strange to me that it's been three months since i last wrote a post. it's amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time.

i won't bore you with details and ramblings about the last three months though. but i do want to talk about something that's been on my mind a lot today.

being broken.

it's such a big word. not in length. in meaning.

here are a few of the ways that webster's dictionary defines the word broken:

violently separated into parts : shattered
damaged or altered by breaking
having undergone or been subjected to fracture
interrupted or full of obstacles
violated by transgression
disrupted by change
made weak or infirm
crushed, sorrowful
bankrupt
cut off : disconnected
not complete or full

i stumbled upon a blog post today over at People of the Second Chance.

i've been thinking about the concept of grace all afternoon.

i have such a hard time with it. i have difficulty extending it. sometimes i have difficulty accepting it. not from man, but from God. why do i struggle so much to accept His grace? why is it so hard for me to offer grace to others?

i think that often it's because i don't think others are deserving of it. but isn't that the exact definition of grace? receiving something that you don't deserve under any circumstances? having something that you should not?

i've been thinking today that i am broken. i've talked with a few friends lately that are the same way.

broken.

none of us are whole. we all have holes inside of us that we try to fill. we try to fix us. we've all heard it said that "you can't fix stupid." something i've determined today? YOU can't fix what's broken. I can't fix what's broken. and you know what? that person sitting next to you in church? yeah, she can't fix what's broken. the man sitting down the pew from you? he can't fix broken either. we can try all we want. we can't do it.

but He can.

through His grace, and His grace alone, we can become whole again.

Psalm 147:3 - He heals the broken hearted
and binds up their wounds.

He alone is good to all that love Him.

Psalm 145:8-20 - The Lord is merciful and compassionate,
      slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
The Lord is good to everyone.
      He showers compassion on all his creation.
All of your works will thank you, Lord,
      and your faithful followers will praise you.
They will speak of the glory of your kingdom;
      they will give examples of your power.
They will tell about your mighty deeds
      and about the majesty and glory of your reign.
For your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom.
      You rule throughout all generations.
The Lord always keeps his promises;
      he is gracious in all he does.
The Lord helps the fallen
      and lifts those bent beneath their loads.
The eyes of all look to you in hope;
      you give them their food as they need it.
When you open your hand,
      you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
      he is filled with kindness.
The Lord is close to all who call on him,
      yes, to all who call on him in truth.
He grants the desires of those who fear him;
      he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
The Lord protects all those who love him,
      but he destroys the wicked.

blogging after midnight is never a good thing... or is it?

2011-06-07T01:10:00.000-05:00

i don't even know where to start with everything. i really don't. i suppose i'll just continue writing and hope that some of this makes sense. but if it doesn't, that's ok too.

i feel lost again. i'm twenty-seven years old. i'm sitting in my room, in my parents house. i should have my own place, right? i should have tons of friends that i hang out with all the time. i should be going to their houses for dinner and they should be coming to mine. but i don't have that at all.

i feel like i'm a failure. i remember thinking about another girl i know that still lives at home with her parents. she's about five years older than i am. i remember thinking about five years ago that i would feel really worthless if i still lived at home with my parents at the age of twenty-seven like she did. and lo and behold, i do.

and that's how i feel.

worthless.

i'm not enough. i'm not wanted by anyone. sure, my parents love me. my sister loves me. and maybe even a few friends. but for the most part, i really just feel like i'm not worth anything.

i have failed at so many milestones that i should have already successfully passed. i should have graduated from college. i should have a good job in ministry. i should have my own place and be completely independent of my parents. i should be married. or at least dating. maybe even married with a kid on the way or something.

but nope. it's just me. by myself. alone and feeling like no one will ever want me.

i'm so sick of it. sick of feeling like i have something to offer to others and having whatever i give thrown back at me. sick of being told that i'm not good enough. that what i do isn't good enough. that who i am isn't good enough.

i'm sick of being told, and of telling myself, that God's working on the one that i'm supposed to be with. he's making him perfect for me. not perfect... but perfect for me.

i'm sick of being told and trying to believe that living at home with my parents is ok. it's not! i should have my own space. i should have my own home that i can be me in.

i'm sick of being in a job where i feel like i can never do enough to please the people on the other side of the desk. i'm sick of only ever hearing about my failures at work and not being encouraged.

frankly, i'm kind of sick of doing things for other people and never having anyone do something nice for me. i know that that goes entirely against what i'm supposed to believe as a christian. "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve." i know that. but does that mean that i'm eternally doing something for someone else and that no one ever does anything nice for me?

i'm sick of feeling like i'm not enough. i'm not worthy of you spending some time on me. with me. caring for me. asking me if i'm ok and then waiting for me to give you an honest answer.

i'm sick of being an invisible failure.

for once in my life, i just want to do something that matters. something that is good. something that isn't ordinary. i want to be a part of an adventure.

and i'm not. i'm not part of something amazing. i'm not good enough to be a part of that kind of thing.

i'm not good enough.

*sigh*

i'm sure that if anyone is actually reading this, you are probably thinking that i need to check myself into some sort of institution or something right now. maybe you're right. and maybe i'm just overly emotional at 1:07 in the morning on a tuesday.

who knows.

but i just had to get this out....

"what do you need me to do, Daddy?"

2011-01-21T00:00:00.002-06:00

so daddy had knee surgery yesterday. momma wasn't able to stay home today to help him because of the kiddos, so i spent the day with daddy. i love him, but i've decided that when he's sick or in pain, he becomes like a little boy. a bit whiny and a little needy. :) but i'm told that's nothing special and that that happens with all men, regardless of age. ;) his request for lunch was mac 'n' cheese with hot dogs in it. i love my daddy.

i would like to think that i didn't hover over him today. but i wanted to make sure that he had everything he needed. i can't tell you how many times i asked him today if he had everything he needed. it was definitely a lot.

at least once today, i asked, what do you need me to do, daddy?

and that got me thinking:

how many times do i ask my Abba Father that question? how many times do i ask God, "what do you need from me, daddy? what do you need me to do?"

being in the place that i am right now, i know that that's a question i should be asking God a lot more. and not out of my own desperation or wanting to feel like i'm doing something for His Kingdom. but every day. in everything.

you see, i don't feel like i'm doing anything for His Kingdom at all. i go to work everyday in a church office. i answer phones. i create bulletins. i print newsletters. and for what? what purpose does all of that serve? how is that building His Kingdom?

i think in the bigger picture of my life it's easier for me to ask "what do you need me to do, daddy?" it's easier to say that i'll go where He leads me. (though that's a much harder thing for me to actually do. but that's another post for another night.)

it's in the little things of life that are hardest for me to ask, "what do you need me to do, daddy?".

it's in the everyday. it's in the mundane. it's in the clearing of a paper jam in the copier. it's in answering the same questions for the same old lady that's already called four times to ask them. it's in getting food for a family of eight, with six precious and beautiful babies. it's in listening to a friend as he searches for God and needs a person to be a sounding board. it's in making my daddy an omelet for breakfast and mac 'n' cheese for lunch.

when i ask Him, "what do you need me to do, daddy?" in the everyday, in the little things that seem as if they don't add up to much... when i do it in the little things, it makes the bigger things come a little more easily.

so here it is. the question i need to start each day with:

"What do you need me to do, Daddy?"

i don't have long... but i need to write.

2011-01-16T17:56:00.000-06:00

there has been a ton on my mind lately. a ton that i really should have been blogging/writing about. but instead, i've chosen to try and ignore a lot of things.

you see, when i write, i don't usually just write without a purpose. i write with the purpose of trying to flesh things out in my brain. writing serves as a way for me to really look at what's going on in my life and helps me sort through some of my thoughts and feelings. i've desperately been needing to write, but i'm kind of afraid of what will come out.

even as i'm typing this, i'm censoring myself. which i actually find quite comical. this blog is mine. it's a place where i can come and be real with things. but there's this underlying fear that people will judge me based on what i write here. i have a few friends that actually know about this blog and will be reading this. but in all honesty, the majority of the people that will ever read this i have never met face to face. that thought is comforting to me. and at the same time it makes me sad.

i try to be real and honest with the people i see every day. i really do. but there's this huge fear of judgement from those people. it's something that i've struggled with my entire life. the lovely people pleaser inside of me just won't die. it doesn't matter how hard i try. i just can't kill off the people pleaser in me.

so i wonder. i wonder what the offline people in my life will think when they read this. part of me wishes that none of them would ever read this. but then there's the part of me that feels that if those offline people read this, they would learn who i am. who i really and truly am. but would that change our relationships? would that make them feel differently about me? a small part of me also hopes that if any of my real life friends ever read this they never mention it to me. but then there's another part of me that wants to know they've read it. to know that there is someone in my day to day life that truly knows me.

ugh.

so there are a couple of things rolling through my head. i may write some more later. i'm out of time for now though.

you seriously do not want to come in here. i promise.

2010-12-03T00:00:00.003-06:00

i mean it. you really don't want to know what's been swirling around in my head the last few weeks.
it's crazy.
and most of it would probably not make any sense to you at all.

but if you're brave enough, read on. :)

i've known for a while now that after grandpa passed away, i wouldn't be here much longer. but i didn't really know what it would mean. actually, i'm pretty sure that i STILL don't know what that means.

that knowledge is part of what makes up the craziness within me right now. i feel like i'm stuck. i really do. i have a job that i like four out of five days. i do. i really do. but it's that one day that is really throwing me for a loop. i feel like God has something completely different for me. i feel like i'm not supposed to be where i am for much longer.

and yet i'm in a position where i am absolutely petrified of what that means. i have a plan for my life. and i'm wondering if i should really just throw the whole thing out the window. but i know that God wants to use what i am passionate about. throwing out my plan, my dream, really, would mean that i throw out what i'm passionate about too. and i don't think i'm supposed to do that.

i'm terrified of what complete surrender would do to me right now.

in all honesty, i'm in a great position for God to do whatever he wants with me. i don't have a husband to worry about. i don't have kids to raise. i just have me. i'm 26 years old and i'm in a great position for God to pick me up and put me somewhere else.

i don't know if he's going to do that right now though. mostly i know that because i haven't given that over to him completely. i want to. i really and truly do. but i'm scared.

i'm scared that giving in to what he wants means that i won't get to do any of what i want at all.

i need to throw up a sail and allow God to take me where he wants me. i need to let go. i need to give him the control. i need to raise the white flag. i need to surrender.

*sigh*

which brings me to a wonderful post by jon acuff of stuff christians like. oh jon acuff. how you like to allow God to use you to screw me up. and i really do mean that in the best possible way. i really do! i appreciate his authenticity and his willingness to throw out his failures and flubs and show us how God has used them. it's pretty awesome. jon wrote a post yesterday entitled "the soft x." it pretty much ripped me up. in a really good way.

i'm stuck in this place where i don't want to be. i'm stuck in the place where i don't feel like i'm doing anything for God's Kingdom at all. i'm stuck in this place where i feel like i don't matter. i'm stuck. i'm stuck wanting more. i'm stuck needing more. i'm stuck in a place where i don't know or understand what's going to happen next.

while i was reading jon's post yesterday, this paragraph stuck out to me the most. this is what i feel God is telling me right now:

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

i know that he knows. he's got a plan all of his own. and he only needs me to surrender to him. it's still just such a hard thing to do. to give your life away completely. to allow someone else to take the reigns. it's hard.

but it needs to be done.

so here it is God. i'm throwing up the sail. i'm waving the white flag. i'm handing it to you, and i'm not taking it back. take it. take my life and use me for what you want.

you know, my God, you know.

today i'm not ok.

2010-08-03T13:15:00.005-05:00

i don't think anyone's really expecting me to be ok right now. but today, i'm definitely not. really i feel more numb than anything i think. i don't really feel much of anything. i have my linkin park playing, which would usually suggest that i'm extremely angry or irritated. i don't know that i'm really THAT angry, but i almost feel like that's what i should be listening to right now. i'm sure that makes absolutely no sense, but hardly anyone reads this blog anyway, so it doesn't matter.

i feel pretty numb, honestly. if i could describe how i feel in two words right now, they would be numb and lost. maybe a bit a scared in there as well. i'll explain those last two in a minute.

grandpa is gone.

i know that i will eventually see him again. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of that stupid cancer anymore. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of living without grandma. but somehow, it almost seems like those things aren't making me feel any better at all. and i don't know how to deal with that.

feeling number two, lost, brings about feeling number three, scared.

i've known for a few years now, that part of the reason why God brought me home for this season was to be here for my family through all of the big changes we've had in the last five years. abby's marriage to shawn, the birth of my niece and nephews, mom switching schools twice, finding out grandma had cancer, losing grandma, mom getting so sick the last couple years, finding out grandpa had cancer, mom retiring, and now losing grandpa too.

good changes and bad. just... changes. some have been easier on the family than others, but some of them i don't know how we've made it through.

i've had a lot of changes in my life too, i guess. most of them involved working at the church. this church has been through so much in the last few years that it's almost unbelievable. it may be selfish of me to think this, but i think that part of the reason God brought me home was to help with all of the changes he wanted to make here. not a lot of people know, but there were three of us a few years ago that started praying that God would prune and mold and shape our church into what he wanted it to be. we told him we didn't care if it was hard or if it hurt, we wanted to be in his will. not long after that was when everything started happening. sorry everyone. i'm starting to get off on that and that's not what i wanted to do. really i just want to mention that i think God had me here for a few reasons related to the church.

for the last couple of years though, since grandpa was diagnosed, i've known that my life would change a lot when he went home. i've known that i'm here to help momma and daddy through things. through all of the changes and all of the hard stuff. i don't know that we'll ever get completely through all of it though.

something that's been running through my head the last year or so though, is that i won't be here much longer. i know that i'm not leaving tomorrow or anything, but i know deep down in my soul that God's not going to have me here much longer. i know that, but i have no idea what that means.

i feel like i'm kind of in limbo right now. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life anymore. i don't know what God wants me to do. i don't know who he wants me to be. i feel like i don't know anything anymore. hence the feeling of being lost.

and with that comes the feeling of being scared. i am completely petrified of what lies ahead for me. i have never done too well with change anyway, and i don't know if God is going to take me through big changes or little ones. i just know that he's going to change something. and it scares the crap out of me.

i better quite now. i'm done with my break at work and i need to stop writing before i completely lose it.

this week is only going to get harder, i think. and i'm so not looking forward to it.

*sigh*

my momma

2010-05-20T20:38:00.000-05:00

so i was writing a post about me and my insecurities... and realized that that's not what i want to write about tonight. i want to write about my momma.

she's been through more in the last three and a half years than i think i could possibly ever endure. she's shown more grace, more compassion, more wisdom, and more strength than any other woman i've ever seen.

it all started three and a half years ago when grandma joyce, my mom's mom, went into the hospital. she and grandpa had both been ill around Christmas in 2006, so we didn't get so spend Christmas with them like we usually did. a couple of days after Christmas, grandma went into the hospital. after tons of tests, we learned that she had an inoperable tumor in her brain. treatment wasn't likely to be too effective. it sucked.

but i watched momma as she cared for grandma. she made sure that she was at the hospital all day long. every day. she waited with grandma for answers. she kept everyone informed. she put her life on hold to care for her momma. i don't know a ton about momma's childhood, but i know that grandma and grandpa were very hard on momma in a lot of ways. so much so that grandma and mom's relationship suffered. but i watched momma put all of that aside and focus on caring and loving grandma and grandpa through everything.

for four months, we went through treatment. in and out of the hospital in wichita and in hutch. here... there... all over. and momma still made herself available and was there whenever she could be. she was still teaching full time during the whole thing as well. her students' education didn't suffer a bit. they didn't miss a beat. she was amazing through it all.

losing grandma is one of the hardest things that i've ever been through. i can't imagine how hard it was for momma. there were so many times she was there with a warm smile and a reminder that we all know where grandma is. that we'll see her again. that we're only separated for a while.

losing your mom is something i NEVER want to go through. i don't think that i could handle it with half of the grace and faith that momma has.

factor in that the last three-ish years momma has had horrid principals and experiences at school... good night. she had so many different things getting thrown at her. she was torn down repeatedly by her peers. made to feel like she couldn't be an effective teacher any more. she was constantly told that she was wrong and that her kids weren't learning anything. all of these things were such lies!

and yet, momma held her tongue when she needed to. she stood up for herself when she could. she didn't let her temper get the better of her. she was patient with the people that seemed out to ruin her and everything that she has put into teaching for the last 16 years. she jumped through the hoops she was forced to jump through. she did everything they told her to.

i won't lie to you and say that she did it all with a huge smile on her face. because she most definitely didn't do that. who could? yeah, there were a couple of times that she almost let harsh and hurtful words come out of her mouth. she is human, after all.

but through everything, she always told me the same thing: she prayed for all of those people. all of those people that hurt her. that continue to have such a detrimental effect on my mom. she continues to pray for them even now. does she like them? absolutely not. but she still continues to pray for her enemies. prays that they will come to know Christ and the saving grace that he provides.

she's not teaching anymore. and i know that she's struggling with finding who she is now that she's not teaching full time. suddenly not doing something that you've done every day for the last 16 years is something i can't even imagine.

she's a retired teacher now. not necessarily by her choice either. she may not be in a classroom anymore. but my momma... she's still a teacher. she's one of the best teachers anyone could ever learn from. she's shown great humility. she's shown great compassion. she's shown perseverance. she's shown love. she's shown patience. she's shown grace. she's shown strength. she's shown faith.

all of this rambling (and i really did ramble a lot there, didn't i?) to really only say one thing:

i'm proud of my momma.

i couldn't ask for a better person for God to have chosen to raise me. she's everything i ever want to be in a woman. in a wife. in a mother.

she's the best example i've ever known.

she's my momma.

did i just write that?

2010-04-20T18:46:00.003-05:00

carlos whittaker. i heart him. his ability to be honest and completely transparent is something that, even though i know i shouldn't, i envy. he's been posting "Soul Creative Questions of the Day" the last few weeks. A few minutes ago he posted #8:

Finish this statement.
If I was a piece of furniture I would be…

without pretty much any contemplation at all, i hit the post comment button and wrote what first came to mind. here's my response:

most days… the table just inside the front door (or garage door) where you dump all of your crap when you walk in.

on the good days though, the kitchen/dining room table, where family, friends, and loved ones gather around with a ton of amazing food doing life together and supporting one another.

i reread it quickly and then hit "submit comment."

then i thought about it. "wait, did i really just post that?" yes. yes i did.

the truth is that there are a lot of days when i do feel like that table. you know which one i'm talking about. the one that you unload on right when you walk in the door. the one that holds the mail. the one that catches your keys. the one that is always there without fail. the one that, if it wasn't there, you'd miss it, but you don't really notice the importance of it each time you pass by it. every day i'm here. i'm ol' reliable.

i was sick last thursday. i missed work. i don't ever miss work. ever since then, i've been thinking: "does anyone really even notice when i'm gone?" not necessarily just at work. do they notice when i miss church on sunday mornings? if i'm not there, wherever "there" may be, does it really matter? do people notice?

do i matter?

then i'm ever so gently reminded of psalm 139:

1 O Lord , you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.

2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.

4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord .

5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,s you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.

11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—

12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,s O God.
They cannot be numbered!

18 I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

God knows me. he knows me. little ol' reliable me. he wants me. he know my heart. he knows my hurts. he knows my questions. my worries. he knows it all. and he still loves me.

the God of the universe that is greater than any of us could possibly ever fathom... he knows me.

so do i matter?

heck yeah i do.
he knows me.
he loves me.
i am his.

The "Is that contestant on American Idol a Christian? Scorecard

2010-04-06T00:01:00.002-05:00

As part of the release of Jon Acuff's book, Stuff Christians Like, he's created what could be one of the largest scorecards EVER! He's doled out more than 130 "guest blog" posts like the one below to create one MASSIVE guest post! To add up your score with the over 130 other ideas on the scorecard, check out Jon's website, stuffchrstianslike.net!

92. When asked why they picked such a bad song to sing by the judges they respond, “Spiritual Attack” = + 3 points

To add up your score with over 130 other ideas on this scorecard, visit stuffchristianslike.net!

hmm...

2010-04-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

this is actually only part one of this post. part two will come later this week!

so there have been a lot of things rolling around in my head for the last couple months or so. God's been working on my heart in a lot of different ways. i thought it might be a good thing to try and get some of them out "on paper." even though this isn't actually paper. :)

ministry. i know that i don't have to tell anyone that actually in any sort of leadership role in the church that sometimes... well sometimes ministry completely sucks. does sharing Jesus with a bunch of teenagers suck? no. that doesn't suck. does working with five year olds on a Sunday morning suck? no. it can get interesting and be challenging, but no, it doesn't suck. ministry in it's own right, it's pure passion, it doesn't suck. so what is it that does? the mundane things getting in the way of Jesus. the insecurities getting in the way of a God who wants to love us.

there are a lot of things that have happened in my life the last couple of months. not all of them have been good, but i've learned some things about myself and about God that i wouldn't have learned otherwise.

i've been reading anne jackson's mad church disease. i've had this book since April. i started reading it then, but never finished it. i have a habit of doing that. if you were to take a look at my bookshelves, you'd find at least fifty or so books that i've started to read and never finished. something that i desperately want to change!

anyway, Brandon, our creative arts and community pastor told me the one day that he had started reading this awesome book. what was it? mad church disease of course! it was free a little while back for Kindle and Nook. he'd downloaded a copy of it. so i decided to pick it up again and see what anne had to say. i'd forgotten how right on she was with some of the things i was feeling when i started to read it in april. the interesting thing though, is that now, she seems even more accurate in her descriptions and everything. it's CRAZY how much her thoughts and feelings mimic mine. or rather, how mine mimic hers.

there are a few things that hit me right off the bat. seriously. on page one. of the stinking foreword. not even anne's writing. craig groeschel's. he says this in the beginning of it: "i loved Jesus, but his church was wearing me out." he then goes on to quote Bill Hybels: "the way i was doing the work of God was destroying the work of God in my life." how true these two statements seem to me!

at the start of anne's introduction, she says this:

At some point along the road, your heart, your mind, your spirit--maybe even your body-- have been damaged while fighting the battles of good and evil.

Mine too.

When we should have been fighting with our fellow believers back-to-back, we find ourselves bandaging our wounds from friendly fire.

When we should be breathing life into a comatose world, we find ourselves gasping for air, just trying to survive.

how true this is of the body of Christ and the men and women in her leadership positions! how did it get to this point? how do we get away from this?

in my post on february 5th, i wrote about how i don't know who i am anymore. shortly after i wrote that post was when i read this next part:

... that was all a front. I was an empty shell, thinking my good-girl exterior would compensate for my dying heart. In the shadows of my life, I was medicating years of hurt by escaping.

that lead on to this next part:

"Since I had allowed spending time with God to be replaced by spending time doing this for God, my spiritual tank had been sucked dry. When that happened, I began to lose perspective on almost every area of my life. My defenses were down, and I allowed myself to start believing the little lies the enemy would throw into my path.

Do you really think what you're doing matters? You're just a little girl on the support staff. Nobody really cares what you think. You'll never be able to lead like one of the guys. It's just the world you're in."

that's where i am right now. if i can be completely honest for a few minutes (and of course i can, this is MY blog :D), i don't really go to church anymore. *gasp* did i really just say that? yes. yes i did. it is rare that you will find me in church on Sunday morning. and on those rare occasions, i make it a point to come in late. why? because if i come in late, there is a much smaller chance that i will get stopped and asked to do some sort of work. so how's that? i work full time in a church office, and i don't like to come to church. of course there are a lot of reasons for that, not just trying to avoid working. some reasons i may flesh out later, but for now, we'll just leave it at that. it's just so hard sometimes to come to church when i know that there's a really good chance that i won't get to refuel. that i won't get to spend time in worship. that i won't get to be fed. contrary to popular belief, i don't spend 40 hours a week at the church reading my Bible, meditating on scripture, and singing worship songs at the top of my lungs. that bulletin you hold in your hand each Sunday (that most of you don't read anyway!)... i made that this week. those posters you see for VBS? i designed those. the newsletter you got in your mailbox last week, i did that! and no, i didn't do it in between worship sets with Brandon. yeah, Jeff gave us a short devotional thought during staff meeting where we also had prayer time.... but is that supposed to be enough?

ok, so i'm ranting. i think i'll quite for now. more of this post will be along later this week! :D

little munchkin man is here

2010-03-22T16:32:00.003-05:00

welcome the newest addition to our family! lucas was born in the front seat of my sister's van on saturday morning. he's amazing. so tiny. so handsome. so perfect.

he's a wonderful reminder of a lot of things i need to write about. but i'm going to write about them later. :)

here he is:

the worst feeling...

2010-02-05T02:19:00.000-06:00

i've decided that the worst feeling i have ever experienced came as the result of this: being told by someone that they have lost their trust in me while looking me dead in the eyes, seeing that they really mean it, and realizing that i am wrong. second worst feeling? being pretty sure that i'm never going to be able to get that trust back.

i'm human. i fail. a lot. i have a terrible stubborn streak. i'm prideful and arrogant. i don't accept change well. never have. and i don't know that i ever will. i'm not anywhere near where i want to be as a person. there is a persona that people have in mind of me, i think. but i can almost guarantee that 90% of that persona isn't true at all. i've built up this image that isn't really who i am. i didn't really intend to do it. it just started to happen. one person would think one thing, and instead of really trying to set them straight, i let them think whatever they wanted. it was easier that way.

i moved home four years ago and i remember being so frustrated because people around here seemed to think that i hadn't changed at all. they tried to pick up with me right where they left off. i fought and fought for people to see who i really am, and the whole time, it was like nobody really cared. the andrea they knew before fit into their nice little expectations of me. i couldn't be who i really am.

so i started to hide myself. this person that i discovered and was able to become while i was away at school started to crawl back into her shell. i started letting more and more assumptions about me and my life be piled onto this hole that i crawled back into. and slowly but surely, over the last few years, i've come to the point where i barely recognize myself. i don't know who this person is staring back at me with hollow eyes and a dead spirit. i don't know who i am anymore. i've been so buried in all of this crap, that i can't find my way out of it. i don't know who i am.

most nights i sit at home, alone in my room with my laptop open, searching for any way that i can be myself. searching for any way that i can be real and authentic and bare all of this crap that's piled up on me. i've found a place or two where a community of people exist and all we want to do is be real with one another. i can go there and share my burdens with others. i can't do that here. i can't share what i really struggle with every day here.

there are days when i want nothing more than to pack up everything i own and move to a place where no one knows me. i dream of this place, i don't know where it is, where i can be the person that i am. no preconceived notions. no expectations. just people who don't know me. that will have to take as much of a chance on me as i will have to take a chance on them.

all of this from someone telling me they don't trust me anymore today. i stretched the truth lied. i felt threatened and jealous and insecure. so i lied. and that lie... i don't even understand it. i don't understand why i would lie to cover up this person inside of me that i don't even know anymore. i don't understand how i got to this place where i think about myself first, much more than i think about others. i lied to protect this person that i'm not. how did i get to be that person? how?

most of this probably doesn't make a lick of sense, but it's out there now and i can breath a little easier. i can breath a little easier knowing that someone might be out there reading this and understanding how i feel. i guess that is my hope, anyway.

so there are my thoughts for this evening. thoughts spurned on by one comment. one truly powerful statement.

"i've lost trust in you."

five words that i never knew could hurt so much.

some progress!

2009-12-01T21:39:00.001-06:00

so i'm making some progress! this excites me more than you can possibly understand! woo! here's what's been going on:

physically - alrighty. so amanda and i went to our weight watchers meeting last night. you know, the weigh in is something that i really don't like all that much, but it's actually been kind of fun! the first time i weighed in three weeks ago, i didn't lose anything. BUT, i didn't gain anything either. last week, i lost 2.8 pounds. i was excited about that! then, we go to weigh in last night... i lost 5.8 pounds! during a holiday week, too! YAY! so, that brings my total weight loss to 8.6 pounds!!! it was a good day! my original goal to lose 20 pounds during this whole HHC is probably a bit unrealistic. but, one week in and i've already lost almost six pounds! i think i'll be happy if i just lose 15 instead of 20! still going to go for the 20 though! it could happen!!!

spiritually - been doing better with the one too! i actually got a message on facebook from an old friend (hi caleb!) asking me what he could specifically pray about for me this week/month! what perfect timing! i say perfect for a couple of reasons. one: i was thinking about caleb the other day. wondering how everything was going for him with school and wanting to find out so that i could pray for him during the HHC. two: it gave me a great chance to reconnect with him! i haven't seen him in oh, almost two years i think. :( but i've been praying for caleb the last couple of days, so it's been great! i still need to get my head (and my heart) into some sort of quiet time though. so pray for me in that if you would!

relationally - well, last night, amanda and i went to dinner and then to target after our WW meeting. we haven't done that in like, a year, i think! it was nice to be able to do it! i've also got a coffee date set for Thursday with a good friend that i've kind of lost touch with too. and i've spent a bit more time with my parents the last few days. so relationally, things are going pretty well! and they can only get better from here, i think!

ok friends. so that's it. that's how things are going. anyone else doing the Holiday Health Challenge? how are things going for you?

and away we go!

2009-11-27T16:01:00.001-06:00

alrighty... so i've been reading jon acuff's stuff christians like for well over a year. in october, jon was at catalyst. i started up a twitter account during that week and at one point, jon tweeted (is that the correct word? :D) that he was going to be live backstage with Carlos Whittaker and Anne Jackson. so, i stumbled upon Los' blog, Ragamuffin Soul. it's been awesome! i've been encouraged by a lot of things he's said. he's also made me think about a lot of things as well.

this brings me to today. i open up my twitter account and see that Los has begun the Ragamuffin Soul 30 Day Holiday Health Challenge. all i can say about it is YAY! i've already hopped on the whole losing weight thing and i'm trying to be healthier. but i've realized that just losing weight isn't going to make me healthy. i've got to tackle a couple of other things in my life that are lacking discipline: my spiritual life and my relationships. i've been thinking about those other two for a while now, and low and behold, God used los today to push me into doing something about it!

i encourage you to go take a look at los' blog and find out about the HHC. it's going to be awesome!

so, here are the three areas i am working on:

physically ~ trying to lose about 20 additional pounds. i've lost about five since i started weight watchers two weeks ago... i want to get rid of another 20 before Christmas!

spiritually ~ even though i work at a church, my spiritual life is pretty much hosed. i don't talk to God much, unless it's to complain to him about something i think he needs to fix. so, first thing to help with this: talk to God a LOT more. even if it's just to spend two or three minutes each morning asking Him to guide my steps for the day, that will be better than what i've been doing! i also want to spend more time in His word as well. i'll get back to you on what i find to help with that. i've got some devotionals and such at home that might help with that.

relationally ~ i have some absolutely AMAZING people in my life. i am thankful for each of them and i want to take more time to really nurture my relationships with them. i want to spend more time with them; quality time where i can really get to know them. not too sure what step i'll take in that direction, but maybe just having coffee with one or two of them each week is a start.

so here goes. i'll be blogging about this at least twice each week. hopefully more!

say some prayers and let's do this!!!

asaff

comebacks

2009-10-28T08:10:00.000-05:00

jon acuff wrote an amazing post today! read through it really quick and then check out my response that i sent him.

my email to jon:

Hey Jon.

I’ve been reading your blog for more than a year now. You might remember the “only lawn you’ve ever wanted to side hug.” That was me. I read your blog nearly every day, and today REALLY worked on my heart. I was going to post this as a comment, but it turns out that it’s too long. So I decided to email it to you instead. Thank you for your faithfulness to what God has asked you to write. He uses you more than you will ever know. But today, I wanted you to know how much He used you.

I’ve been really caught up in a lot of busy work at the church lately and decided I really needed to read your post today for some reason. and now I know why.

Working in the church is hard, I know that I don't have to tell a lot of people that. It's something that most people know. But people don't realize that when you work in a church, you can start to move away from God. It doesn’t just happen to pastors and preachers and elders. It happens to secretaries and ministry assistants too.

Personally, I’ve completely stopped doing any sort of quiet time at all. I no longer attend our young adult activities. I’m no longer connected to anyone in the church. After all, “I’ve got to get the bulletin done for Sunday morning. The newsletter is supposed to go out in two days. We've got life groups launching. This ministry needs this and this ministry needs that. I need to get this and this and this done. Oh and I can’t forget this over here too.” I’ve allowed my work to get in the way of everyone. I’ve distanced myself from everyone in the church. I don't interact with the body in any sort of way outside of work. I dread going to worship on Sunday morning. I’ve allowed my “ministry” to get in the way of God.

There's something that I’ve slowly begun to realize recently and it's really hit me full force today. While working at the church is a good thing and doing all the things I do can be good as well, that's not what's important to God. God isn't concerned with the new layout of the newsletter. His work doesn't hinge on my ability to publish a bulletin. He wants to work in my heart. He wants to work through my heart. if I don't spend time with Him, if I stay stagnate and don't grow, none of it matters at all. He gave me talents, He gave me abilities, but most of all He's given me grace. He wants to use my talents and abilities. He wants those. But more than that, He wants me. He wants my heart. He wants my soul. He wants me.

So today... today marks my comeback.

Thanks Jon. Know that today God used you to help a secretary in a church in the middle of Kansas find her way back to Him.

Thank you.

Sorry this was long, but God’s been working a lot on my heart this morning. Thank you for your willingness to be used.

so today it begins. my comeback. say some prayers for me. this is definitely NOT going to be easy.

2009-09-01T11:55:00.000-05:00

i think i've created this small life that i lead...

2009-05-09T18:30:00.000-05:00

back in march, i wrote about the fact that i lead a small life. and as i was taking a shower just now, that came to my mind again. i still lead a small life. nothing has changed. except that i just realized something.

the reason why i lead such a small life is becuase i created it. i'm the one that made my life so small. though i don't know how i did it, i did. i've created this life for myself.

and i don't know how to get myself out of it. the only thing i can think to do is to change. change everything. change as much about myself as i can.

i feel like i can no longer sit here and be who i am happy being and think that everything else is going to fall into place. i can't sit here and be who i want to be anymore. i can't sit here and pretend that others are going to love me for who i am. i feel like i have to change into who they want me to be.

i feel like i can't be me anymore.

i can't continue the way i have for so many years.

i have to change.

faith and trust...

2009-03-26T08:57:00.000-05:00

this is going to be a long entry, so please bear with me.

some of my old youth coaches are going through something that I cannot possibly imagine going through myself. Ann and Jeff were always a great couple to be around. nearly two years ago, Ann was diagnosed with colon cancer. she's fought harder than so many people that I know. throughout most of my time in reading Ann’s CaringBridge journal, the one thing that I’ve come to remember once again is how selfless Ann is. in nearly every entry she'll tell you how she's feeling, ask for prayer for someone else in her life, and then she might ask you to pray for her. she and Jeff are truly remarkable. they were a great support and encouragement to me while I was in high school. it makes me sad that I’ve pretty much lost touch with them.

here is a journal entry that Jeff posted last night. someday, I hope to have faith and trust in God like they do. their story is one of hope that hasn't been lost, but has been found in the Lord. for anyone that stumbles upon this blog, I ask that you please pray for Ann and Jeff. pray for their three young boys as they continue this difficult journey. you can find Ann’s CaringBridge site here.

Here's Jeff’s entry from last night:
Dearest Friends and Family...

Grace and Peace to you...

First... We appreciate your sensitivity to Vic and Val's previous requests to slow down the visits and calls. It certainly is not my intention to shut anyone out. Please, please don't think that we don't appreciate or want those calls and visits.

However, I am sad to report that Ann's condition is still deteriorating. She is sleeping more than she is awake. When she is awake, she has trouble collecting her thoughts and it takes great effort for her to communicate. So it is an unfortunate necessity that we curtail the visits. The good news is that she is no longer complaining of any pain whatsoever...and is resting quite comfortably.

We did have a nice quiet day today... and I was able to steal some moments with her when she was lucid and alert. How I cherish those precious few moments......

-------------------------------------------------------------

If you would be so kind as to spend a couple more minutes reading... I have a some thoughts to share from Ann and myself that might bring you a bit of comfort...

I apologize that this is long...but I hope you'll read it through to the end....
(you can come back later if you need a break) :)

First and foremost, a statement that we both have made from the beginning. We have said it many times, we still believe it, and it is worth repeating. We do not believe for one second that God cursed Ann with this disease as punishment for her or my sins. Jesus took care of that on the cross. ...can I get an Amen?? To believe anything else would suggest that Jesus' sacrifice was invalid. Furthermore, God cannot create or be associated with anything evil.

Though God did not create or inflict cancer on Ann (or anyone else, for that matter), He IS very interested in how we respond when faced with it. We have a choice. We can choose despair and hopelessness... Or we can respond by having faith and hope that God will keep his promise. The promise that He will walk side-by-side with us through whatever it is that we might be going through, including this ...we choose to have faith... still....

The risky part of having a faith like that is the realization that Ann's healing may come in the form of God bringing her home to be by His side in heaven. That day may be coming soon. That is not our hearts desire, but if God so chooses...we will have faith that Jesus' work was not in vain... And what an incredible healing that will be. God will restore her into the woman that HE created her to be...

In the mean time, God is at work...everywhere...working out his purposes. And He is using whatever means necessary to do so. Including our current situation.

Now, I am not normally a numbers and statistics type of guy...especially concerning spiritual matters. And blessed is the man who does not see, yet believes. But I do believe that sometimes we humans can benefit by seeing some tangible proof that God's work is ongoing. Read on, and you will see what I mean...

I have compiled a few numbers to help visualize just a mere portion of the work that God is doing in our lives, and the lives of others.

If you look up in the right-hand corner of this web-page you see how many times Ann's site has been visited. (many of those are repeat visitors...but that's still a lot of hits nonetheless). Visitors have written her over 1000 messages of encouragement.
...God is at work...

Eighteen people have come at different times to help me with home improvements (mostly painting)(there's a special place in Heaven for those who peel wallpaper...)

Ann's parents drive 340 miles one way to come help out. Having made that trip at least 20 times in the past year...probably more. That adds up to at least 13,600 miles traveled to help us...

The other members of our families have completed endless tasks for us...

No less than 70 people have brought a meal to us...

Hundreds, if not thousands of dollars have been donated to help defray medical expenses and home improvement costs... hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas gifts were donated to us and our boys...

Every one of the 170-or-so members of our Sunday school class has done something to help us out in some way... At least half have performed some physical task, including, but not limited to... bringing a meal, taking recyclables to the recycle bins, giving the kids a ride somewhere, taking Ann to the clinic, sitting with Ann during a treatment or at home, doing laundry, cleaning, painting and many other tasks. And those who did not perform a physical task joined those who did by praying for us...which is the greatest thing anyone can do for us...

And on the subject of prayer... I am not even going to begin to try to count the total number of people who are praying for us. ...our families...our Sunday school class... dozens within the church... the church staff... and even some people who have never prayed before at all. And most of those people have their own network of friends praying for Ann also. Only God knows how far reaching the prayer chains are... but one thing is certain...He hears every one of them....

Over the past two years Ann has shared her faith unabashedly with countless people including many non-Christians. To listen to Ann share her faith in the midst of her pain brings me to my knees... still...

In my travels, I have been able to share my own faith (to various degrees) with several people in the last year. Me sharing my faith with anyone is a miracle in itself!!! (I'm not a good evangelist) After sharing Ann's story I am often asked how I cope with it... which gives me the opportunity to explain why I have the peace that I do...

Through this trial, our families have grown closer together than perhaps ever before...

------------------------------

At first glance, ours appears to be a hopeless situation. Yet God has chosen to use this opportunity to achieve his purposes. For some that is an opportunity to use their spiritual gifts and talents to help us. For others it is to hear of God’s grace and mercy for the first time... and perhaps someone, someday may respond to that message by committing their life to Jesus.

For myself, God reveals something new to me every day. (on that subject I could write a book. but that's for another time)

There have been books written regarding the question of why bad things happen to good people. The debate is timeless. In the end, my opinion is that God will use both good and bad situations to achieve His purposes.

My prayer is that what I've said here will encourage you to really look at what God is doing in every situation. Look past the bad to see the good that God is doing.

Right now all of our hearts are breaking...so it is tough for us to see it... but God is working out His perfect will in us, and others... and nothing bad can come from that.

So into God's hands we lay our lives. And to Him we'll give all the glory....

Thank you so much for taking the time....

....Be salt and light in your world....

Jeff

i lead a small life....

2009-03-17T00:14:00.000-05:00

for the last few days, i've had a quote running through my head. it's from what many may think is a silly movie; but it's one that i love.

in "you've got mail," meg ryan's character, kathleen kelly, writes to tom hanks' character, joe fox, something that's been rolling through my head for the last few hours. i couldn't figure out where i had heard it and it was driving me nuts. so of course i turned to my trusty friend, Mr. Google.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?"

i've been thinking lately that i don't really do much. i feel most of the time as if i don't do anything for anyone. that i only do things for myself. and the times when i don't feel like i'm being completely selfish, i feel like i just don't matter. i feel like my life is just a speck that's floating in the wind. like one of those little dandelion seeds that you would blow around on a windy day. i feel like i'm insignificant. like i don't matter at all.

i think what kicked off this whole "do i matter?" line of thinking was my birthday.

i turned 25 on saturday. the quarter century mark. it almost doesn't seem possible to me for some reason. i honestly didn't really have much planned going into the weekend. i was probably going to go out Saturday night with Steph and maybe a few other friends too. I was just going to go eat chinese food with mom and dad friday night as always. it wasn't going to be that much different than any other weekend.

it ended up only being me and steph that went out on saturday night. and that reminded me of other birthdays i've had. terrible days that i mostly wish i could forget. i remember one birthday in particular, i wanted to have a skating party. it wasn't a cheap thing to do, but mom and dad relented and paid the money for it. i could invite twelve friends to come. only one showed up. just one. and it hurt. i am pretty sure it was around fifth grade or so. at that time, i was becoming even more insecure and of course no one showing up at my party didn't help matters any at all.

i thought of that, and i began to feel sorry for myself all over again. i started to feel like i didn't matter. why weren't any of my other friends there to celebrate with us? why couldn't i have a special day that was just for me? a day in which everyone just wants to dote on me and make sure that i'm having a good time. is it really such a task?

steph dropped me off and i basically felt like crap. i felt like no one had noticed that God put me on this plant 25 years ago on march 14th. i felt like no one cared.

then i logged on to my facebook. i'd gotten a few texts throughout the day telling me that people had written on my wall, so i wanted to check them out.

and i was amazed. i counted them up tonight. i had 41 different people take time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. there are a few that i really wish would have taken the time, but i was still very surprised.

do i matter? 41 people telling me happy birthday should tell me that i do... but for some reason, i really just don't feel it. i don't really feel as if i do.

the rest of kathleen kelly's quote echos in my head... "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book (or in my case, have seen in a movie), when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

do i matter? do i really make a difference to anyone else? like kathleen, i send these questions out into the void. into the silence of the night. good night, dear void. good night.

changes...

2009-02-17T18:46:00.000-06:00

more changes are on the way for my life.

which shouldn't be surprising because life is ALWAYS changing. but for some reason, i'm being taken by surprise a lot lately.

i've been surprised by the decisions some people in my life have decided to make. though these decisions don't directly affect my everyday life and the way i live, they are going to take some getting used to.

ugh. i was going to write a lot, but i don't have a very good wireless signal here at mead's tonight. so i think i'll just leave it at that.

changes are happening. i'm not sure that i like them, but there's nothing i can do about them.

2009-02-06T00:18:00.000-06:00

I first came across these guys at the end of September when they opened for Shane and Shane. One listen to them and I was hooked! They loop nearly everything. It's stinking amazing!!! They put out a new song that you can download for free every Monday. This week's song, Apathetic Skies, seems like it was written just for me and how I've felt the last few days, weeks, even months.

Visit Two Seconds Away and check out some awesome music!

"Apathetic Skies "
lyrics by Patrick Largen

Is it the cold and the haze
Or the apathetic skies
Breathing sadness in my bones
You can see it in my eyes

So just forget about it
It's been some long days
Since I've seen the sun
I'm not thinking straight

Don't drop your head like that
when you walk away
It will be okay
Yeah I will be okay

All the feelings come and go
Like a game of hide and seek
Can I borrow yours to know
What it feels like to dream

Yeah I'm angry
I'm pushing you away
And I'll be alone
But I will be okay

So just forget about it
It's been some long days
Since I've seen the sun
I'm not thinking straight

Don't drop your head like that
when you walk away
It will be okay
Yeah I will be okay

Be okay, Be okay
Be okay, Be okay
Be okay, Be okay
Be okay

Is it the cold and the haze
Or the apathetic skies

i heart wordle...

2009-01-30T08:29:00.000-06:00

i took my last post and did a little wordle picture. i heart wordle.

i miss her... a lot....

2009-01-19T23:23:00.000-06:00

tonight i'm missing my grandma. i'm missing her a lot. i'm not really sure why i have this sudden and overwhelming longing to see her. but it's there. i've actually talked about her and thought about her quite a bit today.

i suppose it's only fitting that as i would put my head to my pillow and try to really go to sleep, a song would come through the buds of my mp3 player that reminds me so much of her. i suppose that i eventually would have stumbled upon this song and decided that it reminds me of grandma joyce. but it was actually momma that pointed me to the song. she was driving to work one morning and heard it on K-LOVE. not a good combination, considering she was on a highway and then began a bawling mess. but she's right. it's almost as if this song were written for us. it serves as a reminder of a lot of things in this life. and in what Christ has done for us. it reminds me of what grandma has already gotten to do.

one thought that i've been having a lot lately has centered around the fact that i hope to get married someday. it makes me sad and angry all at the same time to know that i don't get to have grandma there in person for that special day. abby and eric both got to have her. but i won't. i won't get to have her there in the room with me before i walk down the isle. i won't have her there to tell me how beautiful i am. she won't be there for me to hug. she won't be there.

i think of all the times that she won't be there and it just makes me so sad. and i think of all the times that she was here... but it's becoming harder and harder for me to remember them. that's what breaks my heart even more. i feel like i'm forgetting her. and i don't want to do that. i feel like i've already done that with grandma francis... i can't do that with grandma joyce too. but it's happening. the memories are starting to fade. and i hate that.

i'm sitting here in our house, and i'm actually surrounded by her. things that were in grandma's house are everywhere here now. momma's brought so much home from grandma and grandpa's house. her piano is sitting next to me. and one of her tea pots. across the room from where i sit you'll find another tea pot and an antique sewing desk that once belonged to my great-grandma, and then my grandma. on the other end of the room, you'll find pieces of crystal that belonged to her. you'll find an old snow globe that we gave grandma for christmas one year sitting on our entertainment center too. she's all around me. and even as i type this, i'm just realizing that i'm sitting here wrapped in a robe that she gave me a few years ago for christmas. and on my bed, as childish as this may seem for someone that is nearly 25 years old, you will find Wrinkles, a stuffed dog that you can put your hand in the back of her head and use her as a puppet. i don't really ever sleep anywhere without Wrinks. it doesn't matter where i look... grandma's all around me.

seeing her things all around is sometimes a good thing. but on nights like this one, somehow... well, they just make it harder. harder to wait. harder to try to be patient. harder to go another day longer without seeing her.

today i miss my grandma. i miss her more than i can put into words. i don't know how long it will be, but i know that i will see her again. maybe tonight. maybe tomorrow. maybe six years from now, maybe sixty years from now. i don't know. but i know i'll see her again.

the song i was telling you about earlier that momma pointed me to... i've probably listened to it at least 15 times just now. it's chris tomlin's "i will rise."

there are two parts of that song that somehow remind me of grandma the most.

one part of the song that reminds me of her is the chorus. it talks about rising on eagles wings. it reminds me of what the end of grandma's life was like. lots of pain. and lots of sorrow on our part. the pain is gone. but the sorrow remains. i only hope that someday soon the sorrow will fade. and i know that ultimately, it will be no more. i know that when grandma's life ended here on earth, she rose above the pain. she rose above the sin in this world. she rose above it all to fall on her knees.

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

but the easiest part of the song to connect her with would have to be the bridge when tomlin sings:
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

grandma used to tell me when i was little that we would get to sing with the angels. she always had a great love for angels. and for music. she used to tell me that she couldn't wait until we all got to sing with them in Heaven.

she's singing now. singing with the god that she adored and loved all of her life.

i know i'll see her again. i know i will.

but i still miss her.

Something that makes me feel a little better....

2009-01-08T16:18:00.000-06:00

so most anyone that knows me could tell you that i struggle A LOT with being single. i have numerous friends that are already married and a few that are getting married very soon. nearly everyone my age that i interact with on a semi-regular basis is either married, engaged, or in a serious relationship about to get engaged. and to be quite honest, it sucks! it sucks a whole lot.

i was trying to find a map for jeff today and remembered that mark moore had a ton of resources on his website. so i clicked on over. i also noticed his link to his blog. having taken up the pastime of blog hopping, i decided to click on it to see what i would find, knowing that i more than likely would not understand the majority of it. there's a TON of theology and philosophy that i just have a hard time wrapping my brain around. nevertheless, i clicked on it. and i stumbled upon this post. it gave me a bit of encouragement. here it is, in case you want to read it, but don't want to hop over to another blog:

"Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A Theology of (un)Valentine’s Day

Ah, love is in the air. It is a day to hold hands, sigh sweetly, and make Hallmark a bundle of money. Perhaps this is the cynic coming out of me, but I suspect that for many women this day is a test to see if the old boy will live up to even a minimal standard of affection. One the other hand, for most men, it is unwelcomed added stress on the heels of a taxing Christmas season. Let's face it gentlemen, we just aren't that good at creative gift-giving, especially when it involves chocolate or Victoria's Secret.

There is, however, another side of Valentine's Day that is usually muted, namely, the huge single population for whom this day is a tacit reminder that romantic love is not part of the current fabric of their lives. For them this day betrays the fact that they have no partner with whom to share this level of love—no whispered sweet nothings, no gentle kisses, no promises 'til death doth us part'. That can be a terribly lonely feeling and often society's implicit evaluation of such a state is negative.

However, the word of God speaks differently of singleness. Sure, there are texts where barren women felt abandoned by God (1 Samuel 1:1–10) or where a divorcee was ostracized by a community (John 4:16–19). But for the believer, such a state may be a call of God to single-minded devotion to the kingdom. For example, Paul considered his singleness a gift from God for the work of the Gospel (1 Cor 7:6). He puts it this way: "An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided" (1 Cor 7:32–34). Another example is Philip's four virgin daughters (Acts 21:9). Their singleness was connected to their activity as prophetesses—their devotion to their ministries was mentioned with their marital status. This doesn't prove they were single in order to prophesy, but it is suggestive. One could also note that Jesus was single all his life and it would be difficult to say that he was somehow deficient as a human being because of it. Undoubtedly, Christian singles in the early church experienced the same struggles singles do today—loneliness, vulnerability, and lust, which is probably why Paul had to exhort Timothy to flee youthful lusts (2 Tim 2:22). Nonetheless, Christian singles were, and are, an indispensable part of the body of Christ; often they look more like Jesus, Paul, and Timothy than those who have a significant other.

To those of you who are single, please receive this commendation on this day: According to the Bible, you are not deficient, cursed, or broken (you don't need to be fixed or even 'fixed up'). We thank God for you as persons and for the example you offer of single-minded devotion to Christ. To that end, allow me to give this exhortation: Don't forget our single brothers and sisters for whom Valentine 's Day may be very lonely. If you read this message and agree with the value of singles, carve out the time today to phone an 'unValentine' and affirm his or her value and friendship to you. Buy an extra card or box of chocolates and tell someone without a lover that they are dearly loved.

Mark & Barbara Moore"

a little comfort in what has been a very trying day.

wow...

2008-12-11T15:18:00.000-06:00

i stumbled across this today courtesy of ken rawson. it's really a very well put together video. definitely makes you think.

ugh... not feeling well now...

2008-11-04T22:06:00.000-06:00

president obama. yes... i just gave him the middle finger of grammar. no, not once... twice.

though i do not agree with everything john mccain stands for, i do believe that he would be a better leader than mr. obama.

i don't know a lot about politics, nor will i ever claim to know a lot. but i do know that as a country, we haven't made a good decision. i know that we are in for changes. and i don't believe they will be good changes.

i'm going to throw in the obligatory God is Sovereign statements now....

i know that God's got this country in His grip. i know that God will do His will with those in this land.

but most of all, i pray that Jesus will come back soon.

Please Lord Jesus, please come soon. my hope is in YOU. my hope is not in one man that makes promises he cannot keep.

my hope is in the Savior of this world. The One who died for me. The One who loves me more than anyone else ever will. The only One who can save us from all of our transgressions.

my hope... it's in Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

2008-10-23T13:16:00.000-05:00

Some of my thoughts for today.

drowning....

2008-07-22T10:20:00.000-05:00

i'm drowning... i've got so much to do right now!

i really shouldn't even be writing this... but i just need to scream for a second.....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

ok... that feels a little better. let's try it again.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

alright.

back to work.

somebody shoot me please.

i should update...

2008-07-11T15:06:00.000-05:00

i suppose i should actually use this thing. and i will. not at this moment, but soon. marko has decided to do a first thing monday post or something like that that i think i will try. we will see.