faith and trust...

this is going to be a long entry, so please bear with me.

some of my old youth coaches are going through something that I cannot possibly imagine going through myself. Ann and Jeff were always a great couple to be around. nearly two years ago, Ann was diagnosed with colon cancer. she's fought harder than so many people that I know. throughout most of my time in reading Ann’s CaringBridge journal, the one thing that I’ve come to remember once again is how selfless Ann is. in nearly every entry she'll tell you how she's feeling, ask for prayer for someone else in her life, and then she might ask you to pray for her. she and Jeff are truly remarkable. they were a great support and encouragement to me while I was in high school. it makes me sad that I’ve pretty much lost touch with them.

here is a journal entry that Jeff posted last night. someday, I hope to have faith and trust in God like they do. their story is one of hope that hasn't been lost, but has been found in the Lord. for anyone that stumbles upon this blog, I ask that you please pray for Ann and Jeff. pray for their three young boys as they continue this difficult journey. you can find Ann’s CaringBridge site here.

Here's Jeff’s entry from last night:
Dearest Friends and Family...

Grace and Peace to you...

First... We appreciate your sensitivity to Vic and Val's previous requests to slow down the visits and calls. It certainly is not my intention to shut anyone out. Please, please don't think that we don't appreciate or want those calls and visits.

However, I am sad to report that Ann's condition is still deteriorating. She is sleeping more than she is awake. When she is awake, she has trouble collecting her thoughts and it takes great effort for her to communicate. So it is an unfortunate necessity that we curtail the visits. The good news is that she is no longer complaining of any pain whatsoever...and is resting quite comfortably.

We did have a nice quiet day today... and I was able to steal some moments with her when she was lucid and alert. How I cherish those precious few moments......

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If you would be so kind as to spend a couple more minutes reading... I have a some thoughts to share from Ann and myself that might bring you a bit of comfort...

I apologize that this is long...but I hope you'll read it through to the end....
(you can come back later if you need a break) :)

First and foremost, a statement that we both have made from the beginning. We have said it many times, we still believe it, and it is worth repeating. We do not believe for one second that God cursed Ann with this disease as punishment for her or my sins. Jesus took care of that on the cross. ...can I get an Amen?? To believe anything else would suggest that Jesus' sacrifice was invalid. Furthermore, God cannot create or be associated with anything evil.

Though God did not create or inflict cancer on Ann (or anyone else, for that matter), He IS very interested in how we respond when faced with it. We have a choice. We can choose despair and hopelessness... Or we can respond by having faith and hope that God will keep his promise. The promise that He will walk side-by-side with us through whatever it is that we might be going through, including this ...we choose to have faith... still....

The risky part of having a faith like that is the realization that Ann's healing may come in the form of God bringing her home to be by His side in heaven. That day may be coming soon. That is not our hearts desire, but if God so chooses...we will have faith that Jesus' work was not in vain... And what an incredible healing that will be. God will restore her into the woman that HE created her to be...

In the mean time, God is at work...everywhere...working out his purposes. And He is using whatever means necessary to do so. Including our current situation.

Now, I am not normally a numbers and statistics type of guy...especially concerning spiritual matters. And blessed is the man who does not see, yet believes. But I do believe that sometimes we humans can benefit by seeing some tangible proof that God's work is ongoing. Read on, and you will see what I mean...

I have compiled a few numbers to help visualize just a mere portion of the work that God is doing in our lives, and the lives of others.

If you look up in the right-hand corner of this web-page you see how many times Ann's site has been visited. (many of those are repeat visitors...but that's still a lot of hits nonetheless). Visitors have written her over 1000 messages of encouragement.
...God is at work...

Eighteen people have come at different times to help me with home improvements (mostly painting)(there's a special place in Heaven for those who peel wallpaper...)

Ann's parents drive 340 miles one way to come help out. Having made that trip at least 20 times in the past year...probably more. That adds up to at least 13,600 miles traveled to help us...

The other members of our families have completed endless tasks for us...

No less than 70 people have brought a meal to us...

Hundreds, if not thousands of dollars have been donated to help defray medical expenses and home improvement costs... hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas gifts were donated to us and our boys...

Every one of the 170-or-so members of our Sunday school class has done something to help us out in some way... At least half have performed some physical task, including, but not limited to... bringing a meal, taking recyclables to the recycle bins, giving the kids a ride somewhere, taking Ann to the clinic, sitting with Ann during a treatment or at home, doing laundry, cleaning, painting and many other tasks. And those who did not perform a physical task joined those who did by praying for us...which is the greatest thing anyone can do for us...

And on the subject of prayer... I am not even going to begin to try to count the total number of people who are praying for us. ...our families...our Sunday school class... dozens within the church... the church staff... and even some people who have never prayed before at all. And most of those people have their own network of friends praying for Ann also. Only God knows how far reaching the prayer chains are... but one thing is certain...He hears every one of them....

Over the past two years Ann has shared her faith unabashedly with countless people including many non-Christians. To listen to Ann share her faith in the midst of her pain brings me to my knees... still...

In my travels, I have been able to share my own faith (to various degrees) with several people in the last year. Me sharing my faith with anyone is a miracle in itself!!! (I'm not a good evangelist) After sharing Ann's story I am often asked how I cope with it... which gives me the opportunity to explain why I have the peace that I do...

Through this trial, our families have grown closer together than perhaps ever before...

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At first glance, ours appears to be a hopeless situation. Yet God has chosen to use this opportunity to achieve his purposes. For some that is an opportunity to use their spiritual gifts and talents to help us. For others it is to hear of God’s grace and mercy for the first time... and perhaps someone, someday may respond to that message by committing their life to Jesus.

For myself, God reveals something new to me every day. (on that subject I could write a book. but that's for another time)

There have been books written regarding the question of why bad things happen to good people. The debate is timeless. In the end, my opinion is that God will use both good and bad situations to achieve His purposes.

My prayer is that what I've said here will encourage you to really look at what God is doing in every situation. Look past the bad to see the good that God is doing.

Right now all of our hearts are breaking...so it is tough for us to see it... but God is working out His perfect will in us, and others... and nothing bad can come from that.

So into God's hands we lay our lives. And to Him we'll give all the glory....

Thank you so much for taking the time....

....Be salt and light in your world....

Jeff

i lead a small life....

for the last few days, i've had a quote running through my head. it's from what many may think is a silly movie; but it's one that i love.

in "you've got mail," meg ryan's character, kathleen kelly, writes to tom hanks' character, joe fox, something that's been rolling through my head for the last few hours. i couldn't figure out where i had heard it and it was driving me nuts. so of course i turned to my trusty friend, Mr. Google.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?"

i've been thinking lately that i don't really do much. i feel most of the time as if i don't do anything for anyone. that i only do things for myself. and the times when i don't feel like i'm being completely selfish, i feel like i just don't matter. i feel like my life is just a speck that's floating in the wind. like one of those little dandelion seeds that you would blow around on a windy day. i feel like i'm insignificant. like i don't matter at all.

i think what kicked off this whole "do i matter?" line of thinking was my birthday.

i turned 25 on saturday. the quarter century mark. it almost doesn't seem possible to me for some reason. i honestly didn't really have much planned going into the weekend. i was probably going to go out Saturday night with Steph and maybe a few other friends too. I was just going to go eat chinese food with mom and dad friday night as always. it wasn't going to be that much different than any other weekend.

it ended up only being me and steph that went out on saturday night. and that reminded me of other birthdays i've had. terrible days that i mostly wish i could forget. i remember one birthday in particular, i wanted to have a skating party. it wasn't a cheap thing to do, but mom and dad relented and paid the money for it. i could invite twelve friends to come. only one showed up. just one. and it hurt. i am pretty sure it was around fifth grade or so. at that time, i was becoming even more insecure and of course no one showing up at my party didn't help matters any at all.

i thought of that, and i began to feel sorry for myself all over again. i started to feel like i didn't matter. why weren't any of my other friends there to celebrate with us? why couldn't i have a special day that was just for me? a day in which everyone just wants to dote on me and make sure that i'm having a good time. is it really such a task?

steph dropped me off and i basically felt like crap. i felt like no one had noticed that God put me on this plant 25 years ago on march 14th. i felt like no one cared.

then i logged on to my facebook. i'd gotten a few texts throughout the day telling me that people had written on my wall, so i wanted to check them out.

and i was amazed. i counted them up tonight. i had 41 different people take time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. there are a few that i really wish would have taken the time, but i was still very surprised.

do i matter? 41 people telling me happy birthday should tell me that i do... but for some reason, i really just don't feel it. i don't really feel as if i do.

the rest of kathleen kelly's quote echos in my head... "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book (or in my case, have seen in a movie), when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

do i matter? do i really make a difference to anyone else? like kathleen, i send these questions out into the void. into the silence of the night. good night, dear void. good night.