it's been a while...

my only excuse for not writing before now?

hiding.

that's right. i've been hiding. though i'm pretty sure i haven't really been missed at all. i know that i've gotten the occasional page visit over the last several months, but other than that i really don't think that anyone follows my blog at all.

so the fact that i've been hiding is quite ridiculous. go ahead. laugh. i'm kind of laughing inside right now.

so yeah. i hide. what do i hide from?

well, pretty much everything.

i hide from relationships the most i think. why?

fear, i think.

i'm afraid of being truly known. i'm afraid of people knowing everything about me and not accepting me.

so what do i do? i shut them out.

i don't share things.

i keep everyone at a distance.

i hold all of my cards close to my chest.

i don't let people in, not matter how hard they try.

people think they know me.

but really... they have no idea who i am.

and if i'm honest, most days i don't know who i am either.

already behind... but doing it anyway!

ok.

so epic fail on checking in last week for #sexback12! but in my defense, i was setting up a fireworks stand and opening it on the day we were supposed to check in! i actually wanted to begin most of my goals on july 1 anyway, so that kind of worked out. here's where i'm sitting:

physically:::::

oh my!!! this one i am doing surprisingly well with! it's actually the one that i'm doing the best at too.
last week was my first week on only 3 Pepsis a week. and guess what!!! I DID IT!!! that, my friends, is a HUGE accomplishment in my book! i had three. and technically i had one diet strawberry shasta. but it was caffeine and sugar free. :)

other HUGE accomplishment for me... today i started my couch to 5k with steff! she is seriously like, the BEST friend EVER! we went out at 6:30 this morning. it was insanely humid, but only 75 degrees. it was nuts! we made it through the first six of eight runs as the program tells you. then we (read "i") had to pause it and walk for an extra minute and a half or two minutes. i was having a bit of an issue catching my breath. :) but after that extra little bit of walking, we finished to the cycle! i'm sore in places i didn't know i could be, but overall, i feel quite accomplished! i told a few people today that i went running this morning. the looks on some of their faces were pretty hilarious! so what if it was only for eight non-consecutive minutes! it's more intentional running than i've done in at least 15 years! it feels good!

mental:::::

i've been reading through more of empty promises. still not through as much of it as i'd like to be, but i'm making some progress! the things i'm gleaning from EP are amazing! God is definitely using pete's writing to draw me closer to Him!

spiritually:::::

i'm still a complete mess. this week i didn't really do much at all to improve on this one. :( i've worked the fireworks stand for a week, packed that up, then had a wedding to coordinate this weekend, and coffee bar people to train this morning. *yawn* i'm tired. so this one has definitely been what i've slacked on the most. i'm hoping that this week will give me some time to catch up though. :) reading and writing out the Gospels. it's going to be great once i can get into the swing of it!

oh! another cool thing: Race For Freedom! we haven't registered yet, but i'm pretty sure that Steff and i are going to be running in this thing! our C25K will end on september 4 or 6 (i can't remember which one) and the Race for Freedom is on september 8. :) so that's the plan. we may see if we can get a small group of us to run in it together. :) it could be a ton of fun!!!

so that's where i'm at. sitting here at mead's next to an amazing friend willing to run with me in the middle or horrendous heat during her summer break. she's a HUGE encouragement and blessing to me that i don't think i fully deserve! she's seriously the best friend EVER!

how are you all holding up, ragamuffins?

:::andrea:::

here we go again!!!

so yeah. here we go. i may or may not be crazy. alright, i probably am.

it's time for the Ragamuffin Soul Sexyback Challenge 2012! i'm fairly certain of what my goals are going to be, but i'm going to simmer on them for a couple of hours before i post them. :) the suspense is killing you isn't it, my dear fictitious readers! HA!

i'll have them here in a bit though. they should be good!

click on over to ragamuffinsoul.com and see what the deal is! also check out the #sexyback12 hashtag! tons of awesome people joining in!

until later...

andrea

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here we go!

sexyback12 goals:

physical:
     ok, so i'm probably pretty crazy with this, but there are two things i'm going to start with for my physical goals.

first... cutting the soda. eek. typing that causes me to start twitching! seriously though, i drink waaaaay too much pop. so, i'm cutting it way down. hopefully all the way out, but i don't know that i could go cold turkey with this one! so, starting july 1, three twelve ounce servings a week. that's all i'm allowing myself.

second... and i'm DEFINITELY crazy with this one.... i'm going to go through couch25k. that scares the crap out of me! but for some reason, i really feel like i need to do it. it's nothing i would ever expect myself today. and for me, year 28 needs to be different. i don't want to do what everyone expects of me. including myself. so, couch25k it is! ack!


mental:
    this one is kind of going to be doubled up a bit with the spiritual, i think. i have a TON of books that i've purchased over the years and to this day, there are VERY few that i've actually finished. so, first off, i'm going to finish Pete Wilson's Empty Promises. all that i've read so far has been amazing! i really want to get it finished and apply some of what i'm learning! i'd also like to go through Pete's Plan B as well. i also own it and have never read it. :|


spiritual:
     spiritually... well, i'm a freaking mess. seriously. so, i'm going to be reading EP and i know that that is really going to help me spiritually. more importantly, i'm going to read through each Gospel. there are 89 chapters in the Gospels. i think. i hope i did my math correctly! so i'm going to sit down tomorrow... er, today... and map out what chapters i'm going to read each week/day. should be fun! i'm also going to try writing out of the bible too. i wrote about that a few posts ago and i really enjoyed it while i was doing it. so i'm going to try to write out the Gospels too. that may be too much though, so we will see. :)

so there they are. my sexyback12 goals. holy. moly. i'm crazy. but there are a bunch of other crazy ragamuffins that are in this with me! anyone want to join us?!

blogging after midnight is never a good thing... or is it?

i don't even know where to start with everything. i really don't. i suppose i'll just continue writing and hope that some of this makes sense. but if it doesn't, that's ok too.

i feel lost again. i'm twenty-seven years old. i'm sitting in my room, in my parents house. i should have my own place, right? i should have tons of friends that i hang out with all the time. i should be going to their houses for dinner and they should be coming to mine. but i don't have that at all.

i feel like i'm a failure. i remember thinking about another girl i know that still lives at home with her parents. she's about five years older than i am. i remember thinking about five years ago that i would feel really worthless if i still lived at home with my parents at the age of twenty-seven like she did. and lo and behold, i do.

and that's how i feel.

worthless.

i'm not enough. i'm not wanted by anyone. sure, my parents love me. my sister loves me. and maybe even a few friends. but for the most part, i really just feel like i'm not worth anything.

i have failed at so many milestones that i should have already successfully passed. i should have graduated from college. i should have a good job in ministry. i should have my own place and be completely independent of my parents. i should be married. or at least dating. maybe even married with a kid on the way or something.

but nope. it's just me. by myself. alone and feeling like no one will ever want me.

i'm so sick of it. sick of feeling like i have something to offer to others and having whatever i give thrown back at me. sick of being told that i'm not good enough. that what i do isn't good enough. that who i am isn't good enough.

i'm sick of being told, and of telling myself, that God's working on the one that i'm supposed to be with. he's making him perfect for me. not perfect... but perfect for me.

i'm sick of being told and trying to believe that living at home with my parents is ok. it's not! i should have my own space. i should have my own home that i can be me in.

i'm sick of being in a job where i feel like i can never do enough to please the people on the other side of the desk. i'm sick of only ever hearing about my failures at work and not being encouraged.

frankly, i'm kind of sick of doing things for other people and never having anyone do something nice for me. i know that that goes entirely against what i'm supposed to believe as a christian. "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve." i know that. but does that mean that i'm eternally doing something for someone else and that no one ever does anything nice for me?

i'm sick of feeling like i'm not enough. i'm not worthy of you spending some time on me. with me. caring for me. asking me if i'm ok and then waiting for me to give you an honest answer.

i'm sick of being an invisible failure.

for once in my life, i just want to do something that matters. something that is good. something that isn't ordinary. i want to be a part of an adventure.

and i'm not. i'm not part of something amazing. i'm not good enough to be a part of that kind of thing.

i'm not good enough.

*sigh*

i'm sure that if anyone is actually reading this, you are probably thinking that i need to check myself into some sort of institution or something right now. maybe you're right. and maybe i'm just overly emotional at 1:07 in the morning on a tuesday.

who knows.

but i just had to get this out....

"what do you need me to do, Daddy?"

so daddy had knee surgery yesterday. momma wasn't able to stay home today to help him because of the kiddos, so i spent the day with daddy. i love him, but i've decided that when he's sick or in pain, he becomes like a little boy. a bit whiny and a little needy. :) but i'm told that's nothing special and that that happens with all men, regardless of age. ;) his request for lunch was mac 'n' cheese with hot dogs in it. i love my daddy.

i would like to think that i didn't hover over him today. but i wanted to make sure that he had everything he needed. i can't tell you how many times i asked him today if he had everything he needed. it was definitely a lot.

at least once today, i asked, what do you need me to do, daddy?

and that got me thinking:

how many times do i ask my Abba Father that question? how many times do i ask God, "what do you need from me, daddy? what do you need me to do?"

being in the place that i am right now, i know that that's a question i should be asking God a lot more. and not out of my own desperation or wanting to feel like i'm doing something for His Kingdom. but every day. in everything.

you see, i don't feel like i'm doing anything for His Kingdom at all. i go to work everyday in a church office. i answer phones. i create bulletins. i print newsletters. and for what? what purpose does all of that serve? how is that building His Kingdom?

i think in the bigger picture of my life it's easier for me to ask "what do you need me to do, daddy?" it's easier to say that i'll go where He leads me. (though that's a much harder thing for me to actually do. but that's another post for another night.)

it's in the little things of life that are hardest for me to ask, "what do you need me to do, daddy?".

it's in the everyday. it's in the mundane. it's in the clearing of a paper jam in the copier. it's in answering the same questions for the same old lady that's already called four times to ask them. it's in getting food for a family of eight, with six precious and beautiful babies. it's in listening to a friend as he searches for God and needs a person to be a sounding board. it's in making my daddy an omelet for breakfast and mac 'n' cheese for lunch.

when i ask Him, "what do you need me to do, daddy?" in the everyday, in the little things that seem as if they don't add up to much... when i do it in the little things, it makes the bigger things come a little more easily.

so here it is. the question i need to start each day with:

"What do you need me to do, Daddy?"

you seriously do not want to come in here. i promise.

i mean it. you really don't want to know what's been swirling around in my head the last few weeks.
it's crazy.
and most of it would probably not make any sense to you at all.

but if you're brave enough, read on. :)

i've known for a while now that after grandpa passed away, i wouldn't be here much longer. but i didn't really know what it would mean. actually, i'm pretty sure that i STILL don't know what that means.

that knowledge is part of what makes up the craziness within me right now. i feel like i'm stuck. i really do. i have a job that i like four out of five days. i do. i really do. but it's that one day that is really throwing me for a loop. i feel like God has something completely different for me. i feel like i'm not supposed to be where i am for much longer.

and yet i'm in a position where i am absolutely petrified of what that means. i have a plan for my life. and i'm wondering if i should really just throw the whole thing out the window. but i know that God wants to use what i am passionate about. throwing out my plan, my dream, really, would mean that i throw out what i'm passionate about too. and i don't think i'm supposed to do that.

i'm terrified of what complete surrender would do to me right now.

in all honesty, i'm in a great position for God to do whatever he wants with me. i don't have a husband to worry about. i don't have kids to raise. i just have me. i'm 26 years old and i'm in a great position for God to pick me up and put me somewhere else.

i don't know if he's going to do that right now though. mostly i know that because i haven't given that over to him completely. i want to. i really and truly do. but i'm scared.

i'm scared that giving in to what he wants means that i won't get to do any of what i want at all.

i need to throw up a sail and allow God to take me where he wants me. i need to let go. i need to give him the control. i need to raise the white flag. i need to surrender.

*sigh*

which brings me to a wonderful post by jon acuff of stuff christians like. oh jon acuff. how you like to allow God to use you to screw me up. and i really do mean that in the best possible way. i really do! i appreciate his authenticity and his willingness to throw out his failures and flubs and show us how God has used them. it's pretty awesome. jon wrote a post yesterday entitled "the soft x." it pretty much ripped me up. in a really good way.

i'm stuck in this place where i don't want to be. i'm stuck in the place where i don't feel like i'm doing anything for God's Kingdom at all. i'm stuck in this place where i feel like i don't matter. i'm stuck. i'm stuck wanting more. i'm stuck needing more. i'm stuck in a place where i don't know or understand what's going to happen next.

while i was reading jon's post yesterday, this paragraph stuck out to me the most. this is what i feel God is telling me right now:

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

i know that he knows. he's got a plan all of his own. and he only needs me to surrender to him. it's still just such a hard thing to do. to give your life away completely. to allow someone else to take the reigns. it's hard.

but it needs to be done.

so here it is God. i'm throwing up the sail. i'm waving the white flag. i'm handing it to you, and i'm not taking it back. take it. take my life and use me for what you want.

you know, my God, you know.

today i'm not ok.

i don't think anyone's really expecting me to be ok right now. but today, i'm definitely not. really i feel more numb than anything i think. i don't really feel much of anything. i have my linkin park playing, which would usually suggest that i'm extremely angry or irritated. i don't know that i'm really THAT angry, but i almost feel like that's what i should be listening to right now. i'm sure that makes absolutely no sense, but hardly anyone reads this blog anyway, so it doesn't matter.

i feel pretty numb, honestly. if i could describe how i feel in two words right now, they would be numb and lost. maybe a bit a scared in there as well. i'll explain those last two in a minute.

grandpa is gone.

i know that i will eventually see him again. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of that stupid cancer anymore. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of living without grandma. but somehow, it almost seems like those things aren't making me feel any better at all. and i don't know how to deal with that.

feeling number two, lost, brings about feeling number three, scared.

i've known for a few years now, that part of the reason why God brought me home for this season was to be here for my family through all of the big changes we've had in the last five years. abby's marriage to shawn, the birth of my niece and nephews, mom switching schools twice, finding out grandma had cancer, losing grandma, mom getting so sick the last couple years, finding out grandpa had cancer, mom retiring, and now losing grandpa too.

good changes and bad. just... changes. some have been easier on the family than others, but some of them i don't know how we've made it through.

i've had a lot of changes in my life too, i guess. most of them involved working at the church. this church has been through so much in the last few years that it's almost unbelievable. it may be selfish of me to think this, but i think that part of the reason God brought me home was to help with all of the changes he wanted to make here.  not a lot of people know, but there were three of us a few years ago that started praying that God would prune and mold and shape our church into what he wanted it to be. we told him we didn't care if it was hard or if it hurt, we wanted to be in his will. not long after that was when everything started happening. sorry everyone. i'm starting to get off on that and that's not what i wanted to do. really i just want to mention that i think God had me here for a few reasons related to the church.

for the last couple of years though, since grandpa was diagnosed, i've known that my life would change a lot when he went home. i've known that i'm here to help momma and daddy through things. through all of the changes and all of the hard stuff. i don't know that we'll ever get completely through all of it though.

something that's been running through my head the last year or so though, is that i won't be here much longer. i know that i'm not leaving tomorrow or anything, but i know deep down in my soul that God's not going to have me here much longer. i know that, but i have no idea what that means.

i feel like i'm kind of in limbo right now. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life anymore. i don't know what God wants me to do. i don't know who he wants me to be. i feel like i don't know anything anymore. hence the feeling of being lost.

and with that comes the feeling of being scared. i am completely petrified of what lies ahead for me. i have never done too well with change anyway, and i don't know if God is going to take me through big changes or little ones. i just know that he's going to change something. and it scares the crap out of me.

i better quite now. i'm done with my break at work and i need to stop writing before i completely lose it.

this week is only going to get harder, i think. and i'm so not looking forward to it.

*sigh*

hmm...

this is actually only part one of this post. part two will come later this week!

so there have been a lot of things rolling around in my head for the last couple months or so. God's been working on my heart in a lot of different ways. i thought it might be a good thing to try and get some of them out "on paper." even though this isn't actually paper. :)

ministry. i know that i don't have to tell anyone that actually in any sort of leadership role in the church that sometimes... well sometimes ministry completely sucks. does sharing Jesus with a bunch of teenagers suck? no. that doesn't suck. does working with five year olds on a Sunday morning suck? no. it can get interesting and be challenging, but no, it doesn't suck. ministry in it's own right, it's pure passion, it doesn't suck. so what is it that does? the mundane things getting in the way of Jesus. the insecurities getting in the way of a God who wants to love us.

there are a lot of things that have happened in my life the last couple of months. not all of them have been good, but i've learned some things about myself and about God that i wouldn't have learned otherwise.

i've been reading anne jackson's  mad church disease. i've had this book since April. i started reading it then, but never finished it. i have a habit of doing that. if you were to take a look at my bookshelves, you'd find at least fifty or so books that i've started to read and never finished. something that i desperately want to change!

anyway, Brandon, our creative arts and community pastor told me the one day that he had started reading this awesome book. what was it? mad church disease of course! it was free a little while back for Kindle and Nook. he'd downloaded a copy of it. so i decided to pick it up again and see what anne had to say. i'd forgotten how right on she was with some of the things i was feeling when i started to read it in april. the interesting thing though, is that now, she seems even more accurate in her descriptions and everything. it's CRAZY how much her thoughts and feelings mimic mine. or rather, how mine mimic hers.

there are a few things that hit me right off the bat. seriously. on page one. of the stinking foreword. not even anne's writing. craig groeschel's. he says this in the beginning of it: "i loved Jesus, but his church was wearing me out." he then goes on to quote Bill Hybels: "the way i was doing the work of God was destroying the work of God in my life." how true these two statements seem to me!

at the start of anne's introduction, she says this:

At some point along the road, your heart, your mind, your spirit--maybe even your body-- have been damaged while fighting the battles of good and evil.

Mine too.

When we should have been fighting with our fellow believers back-to-back, we find ourselves bandaging our wounds from friendly fire.

When we should be breathing life into a comatose world, we find ourselves gasping for air, just trying to survive.

how true this is of the body of Christ and the men and women in her leadership positions! how did it get to this point? how do we get away from this?

in my post on february 5th, i wrote about how i don't know who i am anymore. shortly after i wrote that post was when i read this next part:

... that was all a front. I was an empty shell, thinking my good-girl exterior would compensate for my dying heart. In the shadows of my life, I was medicating years of hurt by escaping.

that lead on to this next part:

"Since I had allowed spending time with God to be replaced by spending time doing this for God, my spiritual tank had been sucked dry. When that happened, I began to lose perspective on almost every area of my life. My defenses were down, and I allowed myself to start believing the little lies the enemy would throw into my path. 

      Do you really think what you're doing matters? You're just a little girl on the support staff. Nobody really cares what you think. You'll never be able to lead like one of the guys. It's just the world you're in."

that's where i am right now. if i can be completely honest for a few minutes (and of course i can, this is MY blog :D), i don't really go to church anymore. *gasp* did i really just say that? yes. yes i did. it is rare that you will find me in church on Sunday morning. and on those rare occasions, i make it a point to come in late. why? because if i come in late, there is a much smaller chance that i will get stopped and asked to do some sort of work. so how's that? i work full time in a church office, and i don't like to come to church. of course there are a lot of reasons for that, not just trying to avoid working. some reasons i may flesh out later, but for now, we'll just leave it at that. it's just so hard sometimes to come to church when i know that there's a really good chance that i won't get to refuel. that i won't get to spend time in worship. that i won't get to be fed. contrary to popular belief, i don't spend 40 hours a week at the church reading my Bible, meditating on scripture, and singing worship songs at the top of my lungs. that bulletin you hold in your hand each Sunday (that most of you don't read anyway!)... i made that this week. those posters you see for VBS? i designed those. the newsletter you got in your mailbox last week, i did that! and no, i didn't do it in between worship sets with Brandon. yeah, Jeff gave us a short devotional thought during staff meeting where we also had prayer time.... but is that supposed to be enough?

ok, so i'm ranting. i think i'll quite for now. more of this post will be along later this week! :D

i lead a small life....

for the last few days, i've had a quote running through my head. it's from what many may think is a silly movie; but it's one that i love.

in "you've got mail," meg ryan's character, kathleen kelly, writes to tom hanks' character, joe fox, something that's been rolling through my head for the last few hours. i couldn't figure out where i had heard it and it was driving me nuts. so of course i turned to my trusty friend, Mr. Google.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?"

i've been thinking lately that i don't really do much. i feel most of the time as if i don't do anything for anyone. that i only do things for myself. and the times when i don't feel like i'm being completely selfish, i feel like i just don't matter. i feel like my life is just a speck that's floating in the wind. like one of those little dandelion seeds that you would blow around on a windy day. i feel like i'm insignificant. like i don't matter at all.

i think what kicked off this whole "do i matter?" line of thinking was my birthday.

i turned 25 on saturday. the quarter century mark. it almost doesn't seem possible to me for some reason. i honestly didn't really have much planned going into the weekend. i was probably going to go out Saturday night with Steph and maybe a few other friends too. I was just going to go eat chinese food with mom and dad friday night as always. it wasn't going to be that much different than any other weekend.

it ended up only being me and steph that went out on saturday night. and that reminded me of other birthdays i've had. terrible days that i mostly wish i could forget. i remember one birthday in particular, i wanted to have a skating party. it wasn't a cheap thing to do, but mom and dad relented and paid the money for it. i could invite twelve friends to come. only one showed up. just one. and it hurt. i am pretty sure it was around fifth grade or so. at that time, i was becoming even more insecure and of course no one showing up at my party didn't help matters any at all.

i thought of that, and i began to feel sorry for myself all over again. i started to feel like i didn't matter. why weren't any of my other friends there to celebrate with us? why couldn't i have a special day that was just for me? a day in which everyone just wants to dote on me and make sure that i'm having a good time. is it really such a task?

steph dropped me off and i basically felt like crap. i felt like no one had noticed that God put me on this plant 25 years ago on march 14th. i felt like no one cared.

then i logged on to my facebook. i'd gotten a few texts throughout the day telling me that people had written on my wall, so i wanted to check them out.

and i was amazed. i counted them up tonight. i had 41 different people take time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. there are a few that i really wish would have taken the time, but i was still very surprised.

do i matter? 41 people telling me happy birthday should tell me that i do... but for some reason, i really just don't feel it. i don't really feel as if i do.

the rest of kathleen kelly's quote echos in my head... "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book (or in my case, have seen in a movie), when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

do i matter? do i really make a difference to anyone else? like kathleen, i send these questions out into the void. into the silence of the night. good night, dear void. good night.