blogging after midnight is never a good thing... or is it?

i don't even know where to start with everything. i really don't. i suppose i'll just continue writing and hope that some of this makes sense. but if it doesn't, that's ok too.

i feel lost again. i'm twenty-seven years old. i'm sitting in my room, in my parents house. i should have my own place, right? i should have tons of friends that i hang out with all the time. i should be going to their houses for dinner and they should be coming to mine. but i don't have that at all.

i feel like i'm a failure. i remember thinking about another girl i know that still lives at home with her parents. she's about five years older than i am. i remember thinking about five years ago that i would feel really worthless if i still lived at home with my parents at the age of twenty-seven like she did. and lo and behold, i do.

and that's how i feel.

worthless.

i'm not enough. i'm not wanted by anyone. sure, my parents love me. my sister loves me. and maybe even a few friends. but for the most part, i really just feel like i'm not worth anything.

i have failed at so many milestones that i should have already successfully passed. i should have graduated from college. i should have a good job in ministry. i should have my own place and be completely independent of my parents. i should be married. or at least dating. maybe even married with a kid on the way or something.

but nope. it's just me. by myself. alone and feeling like no one will ever want me.

i'm so sick of it. sick of feeling like i have something to offer to others and having whatever i give thrown back at me. sick of being told that i'm not good enough. that what i do isn't good enough. that who i am isn't good enough.

i'm sick of being told, and of telling myself, that God's working on the one that i'm supposed to be with. he's making him perfect for me. not perfect... but perfect for me.

i'm sick of being told and trying to believe that living at home with my parents is ok. it's not! i should have my own space. i should have my own home that i can be me in.

i'm sick of being in a job where i feel like i can never do enough to please the people on the other side of the desk. i'm sick of only ever hearing about my failures at work and not being encouraged.

frankly, i'm kind of sick of doing things for other people and never having anyone do something nice for me. i know that that goes entirely against what i'm supposed to believe as a christian. "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve." i know that. but does that mean that i'm eternally doing something for someone else and that no one ever does anything nice for me?

i'm sick of feeling like i'm not enough. i'm not worthy of you spending some time on me. with me. caring for me. asking me if i'm ok and then waiting for me to give you an honest answer.

i'm sick of being an invisible failure.

for once in my life, i just want to do something that matters. something that is good. something that isn't ordinary. i want to be a part of an adventure.

and i'm not. i'm not part of something amazing. i'm not good enough to be a part of that kind of thing.

i'm not good enough.

*sigh*

i'm sure that if anyone is actually reading this, you are probably thinking that i need to check myself into some sort of institution or something right now. maybe you're right. and maybe i'm just overly emotional at 1:07 in the morning on a tuesday.

who knows.

but i just had to get this out....

Something that makes me feel a little better....

so most anyone that knows me could tell you that i struggle A LOT with being single. i have numerous friends that are already married and a few that are getting married very soon. nearly everyone my age that i interact with on a semi-regular basis is either married, engaged, or in a serious relationship about to get engaged. and to be quite honest, it sucks! it sucks a whole lot.

i was trying to find a map for jeff today and remembered that mark moore had a ton of resources on his website. so i clicked on over. i also noticed his link to his blog. having taken up the pastime of blog hopping, i decided to click on it to see what i would find, knowing that i more than likely would not understand the majority of it. there's a TON of theology and philosophy that i just have a hard time wrapping my brain around. nevertheless, i clicked on it. and i stumbled upon this post. it gave me a bit of encouragement. here it is, in case you want to read it, but don't want to hop over to another blog:

"Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A Theology of (un)Valentine’s Day

Ah, love is in the air. It is a day to hold hands, sigh sweetly, and make Hallmark a bundle of money. Perhaps this is the cynic coming out of me, but I suspect that for many women this day is a test to see if the old boy will live up to even a minimal standard of affection. One the other hand, for most men, it is unwelcomed added stress on the heels of a taxing Christmas season. Let's face it gentlemen, we just aren't that good at creative gift-giving, especially when it involves chocolate or Victoria's Secret.

There is, however, another side of Valentine's Day that is usually muted, namely, the huge single population for whom this day is a tacit reminder that romantic love is not part of the current fabric of their lives. For them this day betrays the fact that they have no partner with whom to share this level of love—no whispered sweet nothings, no gentle kisses, no promises 'til death doth us part'. That can be a terribly lonely feeling and often society's implicit evaluation of such a state is negative.

However, the word of God speaks differently of singleness. Sure, there are texts where barren women felt abandoned by God (1 Samuel 1:1–10) or where a divorcee was ostracized by a community (John 4:16–19). But for the believer, such a state may be a call of God to single-minded devotion to the kingdom. For example, Paul considered his singleness a gift from God for the work of the Gospel (1 Cor 7:6). He puts it this way: "An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided" (1 Cor 7:32–34). Another example is Philip's four virgin daughters (Acts 21:9). Their singleness was connected to their activity as prophetesses—their devotion to their ministries was mentioned with their marital status. This doesn't prove they were single in order to prophesy, but it is suggestive. One could also note that Jesus was single all his life and it would be difficult to say that he was somehow deficient as a human being because of it. Undoubtedly, Christian singles in the early church experienced the same struggles singles do today—loneliness, vulnerability, and lust, which is probably why Paul had to exhort Timothy to flee youthful lusts (2 Tim 2:22). Nonetheless, Christian singles were, and are, an indispensable part of the body of Christ; often they look more like Jesus, Paul, and Timothy than those who have a significant other.

To those of you who are single, please receive this commendation on this day: According to the Bible, you are not deficient, cursed, or broken (you don't need to be fixed or even 'fixed up'). We thank God for you as persons and for the example you offer of single-minded devotion to Christ. To that end, allow me to give this exhortation: Don't forget our single brothers and sisters for whom Valentine 's Day may be very lonely. If you read this message and agree with the value of singles, carve out the time today to phone an 'unValentine' and affirm his or her value and friendship to you. Buy an extra card or box of chocolates and tell someone without a lover that they are dearly loved.

Mark & Barbara Moore"

a little comfort in what has been a very trying day.