you seriously do not want to come in here. i promise.

i mean it. you really don't want to know what's been swirling around in my head the last few weeks.
it's crazy.
and most of it would probably not make any sense to you at all.

but if you're brave enough, read on. :)

i've known for a while now that after grandpa passed away, i wouldn't be here much longer. but i didn't really know what it would mean. actually, i'm pretty sure that i STILL don't know what that means.

that knowledge is part of what makes up the craziness within me right now. i feel like i'm stuck. i really do. i have a job that i like four out of five days. i do. i really do. but it's that one day that is really throwing me for a loop. i feel like God has something completely different for me. i feel like i'm not supposed to be where i am for much longer.

and yet i'm in a position where i am absolutely petrified of what that means. i have a plan for my life. and i'm wondering if i should really just throw the whole thing out the window. but i know that God wants to use what i am passionate about. throwing out my plan, my dream, really, would mean that i throw out what i'm passionate about too. and i don't think i'm supposed to do that.

i'm terrified of what complete surrender would do to me right now.

in all honesty, i'm in a great position for God to do whatever he wants with me. i don't have a husband to worry about. i don't have kids to raise. i just have me. i'm 26 years old and i'm in a great position for God to pick me up and put me somewhere else.

i don't know if he's going to do that right now though. mostly i know that because i haven't given that over to him completely. i want to. i really and truly do. but i'm scared.

i'm scared that giving in to what he wants means that i won't get to do any of what i want at all.

i need to throw up a sail and allow God to take me where he wants me. i need to let go. i need to give him the control. i need to raise the white flag. i need to surrender.

*sigh*

which brings me to a wonderful post by jon acuff of stuff christians like. oh jon acuff. how you like to allow God to use you to screw me up. and i really do mean that in the best possible way. i really do! i appreciate his authenticity and his willingness to throw out his failures and flubs and show us how God has used them. it's pretty awesome. jon wrote a post yesterday entitled "the soft x." it pretty much ripped me up. in a really good way.

i'm stuck in this place where i don't want to be. i'm stuck in the place where i don't feel like i'm doing anything for God's Kingdom at all. i'm stuck in this place where i feel like i don't matter. i'm stuck. i'm stuck wanting more. i'm stuck needing more. i'm stuck in a place where i don't know or understand what's going to happen next.

while i was reading jon's post yesterday, this paragraph stuck out to me the most. this is what i feel God is telling me right now:

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

i know that he knows. he's got a plan all of his own. and he only needs me to surrender to him. it's still just such a hard thing to do. to give your life away completely. to allow someone else to take the reigns. it's hard.

but it needs to be done.

so here it is God. i'm throwing up the sail. i'm waving the white flag. i'm handing it to you, and i'm not taking it back. take it. take my life and use me for what you want.

you know, my God, you know.

the worst feeling...

i've decided that the worst feeling i have ever experienced came as the result of this: being told by someone that they have lost their trust in me while looking me dead in the eyes, seeing that they really mean it, and realizing that i am wrong. second worst feeling? being pretty sure that i'm never going to be able to get that trust back.

i'm human. i fail. a lot. i have a terrible stubborn streak. i'm prideful and arrogant. i don't accept change well. never have. and i don't know that i ever will. i'm not anywhere near where i want to be as a person. there is a persona that people have in mind of me, i think. but i can almost guarantee that 90% of that persona isn't true at all. i've built up this image that isn't really who i am. i didn't really intend to do it. it just started to happen. one person would think one thing, and instead of really trying to set them straight, i let them think whatever they wanted. it was easier that way.

i moved home four years ago and i remember being so frustrated because people around here seemed to think that i hadn't changed at all. they tried to pick up with me right where they left off. i fought and fought for people to see who i really am, and the whole time, it was like nobody really cared. the andrea they knew before fit into their nice little expectations of me. i couldn't be who i really am.

so i started to hide myself. this person that i discovered and was able to become while i was away at school started to crawl back into her shell. i started letting more and more assumptions about me and my life be piled onto this hole that i crawled back into. and slowly but surely, over the last few years, i've come to the point where i barely recognize myself. i don't know who this person is staring back at me with hollow eyes and a dead spirit. i don't know who i am anymore. i've been so buried in all of this crap, that i can't find my way out of it. i don't know who i am.

most nights i sit at home, alone in my room with my laptop open, searching for any way that i can be myself. searching for any way that i can be real and authentic and bare all of this crap that's piled up on me. i've found a place or two where a community of people exist and all we want to do is be real with one another. i can go there and share my burdens with others. i can't do that here. i can't share what i really struggle with every day here.

there are days when i want nothing more than to pack up everything i own and move to a place where no one knows me. i dream of this place, i don't know where it is, where i can be the person that i am. no preconceived notions. no expectations. just people who don't know me. that will have to take as much of a chance on me as i will have to take a chance on them.

all of this from someone telling me they don't trust me anymore today. i stretched the truth lied. i felt threatened and jealous and insecure. so i lied. and that lie... i don't even understand it. i don't understand why i would lie to cover up this person inside of me that i don't even know anymore. i don't understand how i got to this place where i think about myself first, much more than i think about others. i lied to protect this person that i'm not. how did i get to be that person? how?

most of this probably doesn't make a lick of sense, but it's out there now and i can breath a little easier. i can breath a little easier knowing that someone might be out there reading this and understanding how i feel. i guess that is my hope, anyway.

so there are my thoughts for this evening. thoughts spurned on by one comment. one truly powerful statement.

"i've lost trust in you."

five words that i never knew could hurt so much.