it's been a while...

my only excuse for not writing before now?

hiding.

that's right. i've been hiding. though i'm pretty sure i haven't really been missed at all. i know that i've gotten the occasional page visit over the last several months, but other than that i really don't think that anyone follows my blog at all.

so the fact that i've been hiding is quite ridiculous. go ahead. laugh. i'm kind of laughing inside right now.

so yeah. i hide. what do i hide from?

well, pretty much everything.

i hide from relationships the most i think. why?

fear, i think.

i'm afraid of being truly known. i'm afraid of people knowing everything about me and not accepting me.

so what do i do? i shut them out.

i don't share things.

i keep everyone at a distance.

i hold all of my cards close to my chest.

i don't let people in, not matter how hard they try.

people think they know me.

but really... they have no idea who i am.

and if i'm honest, most days i don't know who i am either.

already behind... but doing it anyway!

ok.

so epic fail on checking in last week for #sexback12! but in my defense, i was setting up a fireworks stand and opening it on the day we were supposed to check in! i actually wanted to begin most of my goals on july 1 anyway, so that kind of worked out. here's where i'm sitting:

physically:::::

oh my!!! this one i am doing surprisingly well with! it's actually the one that i'm doing the best at too.
last week was my first week on only 3 Pepsis a week. and guess what!!! I DID IT!!! that, my friends, is a HUGE accomplishment in my book! i had three. and technically i had one diet strawberry shasta. but it was caffeine and sugar free. :)

other HUGE accomplishment for me... today i started my couch to 5k with steff! she is seriously like, the BEST friend EVER! we went out at 6:30 this morning. it was insanely humid, but only 75 degrees. it was nuts! we made it through the first six of eight runs as the program tells you. then we (read "i") had to pause it and walk for an extra minute and a half or two minutes. i was having a bit of an issue catching my breath. :) but after that extra little bit of walking, we finished to the cycle! i'm sore in places i didn't know i could be, but overall, i feel quite accomplished! i told a few people today that i went running this morning. the looks on some of their faces were pretty hilarious! so what if it was only for eight non-consecutive minutes! it's more intentional running than i've done in at least 15 years! it feels good!

mental:::::

i've been reading through more of empty promises. still not through as much of it as i'd like to be, but i'm making some progress! the things i'm gleaning from EP are amazing! God is definitely using pete's writing to draw me closer to Him!

spiritually:::::

i'm still a complete mess. this week i didn't really do much at all to improve on this one. :( i've worked the fireworks stand for a week, packed that up, then had a wedding to coordinate this weekend, and coffee bar people to train this morning. *yawn* i'm tired. so this one has definitely been what i've slacked on the most. i'm hoping that this week will give me some time to catch up though. :) reading and writing out the Gospels. it's going to be great once i can get into the swing of it!

oh! another cool thing: Race For Freedom! we haven't registered yet, but i'm pretty sure that Steff and i are going to be running in this thing! our C25K will end on september 4 or 6 (i can't remember which one) and the Race for Freedom is on september 8. :) so that's the plan. we may see if we can get a small group of us to run in it together. :) it could be a ton of fun!!!

so that's where i'm at. sitting here at mead's next to an amazing friend willing to run with me in the middle or horrendous heat during her summer break. she's a HUGE encouragement and blessing to me that i don't think i fully deserve! she's seriously the best friend EVER!

how are you all holding up, ragamuffins?

:::andrea:::

here we go again!!!

so yeah. here we go. i may or may not be crazy. alright, i probably am.

it's time for the Ragamuffin Soul Sexyback Challenge 2012! i'm fairly certain of what my goals are going to be, but i'm going to simmer on them for a couple of hours before i post them. :) the suspense is killing you isn't it, my dear fictitious readers! HA!

i'll have them here in a bit though. they should be good!

click on over to ragamuffinsoul.com and see what the deal is! also check out the #sexyback12 hashtag! tons of awesome people joining in!

until later...

andrea

:~:~:~:~:~:~:::::edit:::::~:~:~:~:~:~:~:

here we go!

sexyback12 goals:

physical:
     ok, so i'm probably pretty crazy with this, but there are two things i'm going to start with for my physical goals.

first... cutting the soda. eek. typing that causes me to start twitching! seriously though, i drink waaaaay too much pop. so, i'm cutting it way down. hopefully all the way out, but i don't know that i could go cold turkey with this one! so, starting july 1, three twelve ounce servings a week. that's all i'm allowing myself.

second... and i'm DEFINITELY crazy with this one.... i'm going to go through couch25k. that scares the crap out of me! but for some reason, i really feel like i need to do it. it's nothing i would ever expect myself today. and for me, year 28 needs to be different. i don't want to do what everyone expects of me. including myself. so, couch25k it is! ack!


mental:
    this one is kind of going to be doubled up a bit with the spiritual, i think. i have a TON of books that i've purchased over the years and to this day, there are VERY few that i've actually finished. so, first off, i'm going to finish Pete Wilson's Empty Promises. all that i've read so far has been amazing! i really want to get it finished and apply some of what i'm learning! i'd also like to go through Pete's Plan B as well. i also own it and have never read it. :|


spiritual:
     spiritually... well, i'm a freaking mess. seriously. so, i'm going to be reading EP and i know that that is really going to help me spiritually. more importantly, i'm going to read through each Gospel. there are 89 chapters in the Gospels. i think. i hope i did my math correctly! so i'm going to sit down tomorrow... er, today... and map out what chapters i'm going to read each week/day. should be fun! i'm also going to try writing out of the bible too. i wrote about that a few posts ago and i really enjoyed it while i was doing it. so i'm going to try to write out the Gospels too. that may be too much though, so we will see. :)

so there they are. my sexyback12 goals. holy. moly. i'm crazy. but there are a bunch of other crazy ragamuffins that are in this with me! anyone want to join us?!

*yawn*

It's exhausting trying to always be happy and pretending that everything is ok. It's not ok.

And no one I'm around all day, every day cares at all.

This can't be the way it's supposed to be, right?

This isn't what this is supposed to feel like, right?

writing it all out.

ok. so i suck.

maybe once a week is a better goal for me to have. though i would have screwed that one over last week too. ;)

even still though, i'm blogging at this moment! :D

so for the last week or so, i've been writing out of my Bible. yep. writing it out. by hand. it's actually been pretty cool. i was going to do the book of james, but i was reminded of how much i really love the book of colossians. my favorite part is chapter three. which is what i'll be writing tonight. i think that i've probably read the entire book of colossians at some point, but i don't know that i've ever studied it in depth.

i take that back. at Passion07 we did an inductive study on colossians each morning in our family/community groups. but i was going through a whole lot at the time and i don't think i really absorbed much of it.

so, it's been good for me to be writing it out and having to think about it more as i do so.

it's also been good because this has gotten me into The Word. my quiet times are pretty much nonexistent, so this is a good way for me to actually BE in the word. i'm developing more of a habit with that than i have with anything else that i've done in a while. you've got to start somewhere, right?

even though i'm not reading as much as i should be for the whole "discipleship plan" that i'm on, and i'm not praying as much as the plan says i should be, i'm still spending more time studying and listening to God than i was before. i'm doing more to seek Him than i was before this whole thing started. so i think that's good.

i've actually only written for three nights, but the nights i missed writing, i really did miss that time. i'm starting chapter three tonight. it's not taking as long as i thought it would, so i think i'm going to repeat colossians at least once, maybe more, before i move on to another book. :)

well, i was going to write out some of the thoughts i've had while writing out colossians, but i'd rather skip that for now and actually write for a while. :)

maybe tomorrow.;)

oh, and if you've never checked this website out, do yourself a favor and click on over to rainymood.com. SO GOOD! :)

it's gotta happen!

ok, so this was my post on jon acuff's blog back in december:

guess how much work I've actually done on my Finish Year goals!

that's right... NONE!!!

so i'm starting number seven right now. writing!

what i need to keep in mind is that these writings don't have to be long. they just need to be honest. they need to be real. they can't be fake. they can't be easy.

so here it is, my commitment to myself for this year:

1. write three times each week.
2. keep the length to what feels right. if it's two words, it's two words. if it's two-thousand, it's two-thousand. length does not matter.
3. be honest. - don't mince words or write half truths. write what is happening and what's moving you.
4. be real. - again, don't write half truths. tell it like it is. if it's not pretty, write it. if it's mushy and mildly sickening, write it! just write what you need to. it's ok. this is YOUR blog, not someone else's. if they don't like what they read, they can stop reading it. write what you need to.
5. have fun with it. don't let this become a burden. let it be something that allows you to express what you NEED to in a way you WANT to.
6. don't stop. keep going. even when it's hard to do.

so there we go. let's get it done! this IS something that i will be able to say i finished this year. i'm going to do it. 

NOT finishing... that's not an option.

three months is a long time. a lot can happen...

wow. it seems so strange to me that it's been three months since i last wrote a post. it's amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time.


i won't bore you with details and ramblings about the last three months though. but i do want to talk about something that's been on my mind a lot today.


being broken.


it's such a big word. not in length. in meaning.


here are a few of the ways that webster's dictionary defines the word broken: 

• violently separated into parts : shattered
• damaged or altered by breaking
• having undergone or been subjected to fracture
• interrupted or full of obstacles
• violated by transgression
• disrupted by change
• made weak or infirm
• crushed, sorrowful
• bankrupt
• cut off : disconnected
• not complete or full

i stumbled upon a blog post today over at People of the Second Chance. 

i've been thinking about the concept of grace all afternoon.

i have such a hard time with it. i have difficulty extending it. sometimes i have difficulty accepting it. not from man, but from God. why do i struggle so much to accept His grace? why is it so hard for me to offer grace to others?

i think that often it's because i don't think others are deserving of it. but isn't that the exact definition of grace? receiving something that you don't deserve under any circumstances? having something that you should not?


i've been thinking today that i am broken. i've talked with a few friends lately that are the same way.


broken.


none of us are whole. we all have holes inside of us that we try to fill. we try to fix us. we've all heard it said that "you can't fix stupid." something i've determined today? YOU can't fix what's broken. I can't fix what's broken. and you know what? that person sitting next to you in church? yeah, she can't fix what's broken. the man sitting down the pew from you? he can't fix broken either. we can try all we want. we can't do it.


but He can.


through His grace, and His grace alone, we can become whole again. 

Psalm 147:3 - He heals the broken hearted 
   and binds up their wounds.

He alone is good to all that love Him.

Psalm 145:8-20 - The Lord is merciful and compassionate,
      slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
 The Lord is good to everyone.
      He showers compassion on all his creation.
 All of your works will thank you, Lord,
      and your faithful followers will praise you.
 They will speak of the glory of your kingdom;
      they will give examples of your power.
 They will tell about your mighty deeds
      and about the majesty and glory of your reign.
 For your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom.
      You rule throughout all generations.
 The Lord always keeps his promises;
      he is gracious in all he does.
 The Lord helps the fallen
      and lifts those bent beneath their loads.
 The eyes of all look to you in hope;
      you give them their food as they need it.
 When you open your hand,
      you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
 The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
      he is filled with kindness.
 The Lord is close to all who call on him,
      yes, to all who call on him in truth.
 He grants the desires of those who fear him;
      he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
 The Lord protects all those who love him,
      but he destroys the wicked.

blogging after midnight is never a good thing... or is it?

i don't even know where to start with everything. i really don't. i suppose i'll just continue writing and hope that some of this makes sense. but if it doesn't, that's ok too.

i feel lost again. i'm twenty-seven years old. i'm sitting in my room, in my parents house. i should have my own place, right? i should have tons of friends that i hang out with all the time. i should be going to their houses for dinner and they should be coming to mine. but i don't have that at all.

i feel like i'm a failure. i remember thinking about another girl i know that still lives at home with her parents. she's about five years older than i am. i remember thinking about five years ago that i would feel really worthless if i still lived at home with my parents at the age of twenty-seven like she did. and lo and behold, i do.

and that's how i feel.

worthless.

i'm not enough. i'm not wanted by anyone. sure, my parents love me. my sister loves me. and maybe even a few friends. but for the most part, i really just feel like i'm not worth anything.

i have failed at so many milestones that i should have already successfully passed. i should have graduated from college. i should have a good job in ministry. i should have my own place and be completely independent of my parents. i should be married. or at least dating. maybe even married with a kid on the way or something.

but nope. it's just me. by myself. alone and feeling like no one will ever want me.

i'm so sick of it. sick of feeling like i have something to offer to others and having whatever i give thrown back at me. sick of being told that i'm not good enough. that what i do isn't good enough. that who i am isn't good enough.

i'm sick of being told, and of telling myself, that God's working on the one that i'm supposed to be with. he's making him perfect for me. not perfect... but perfect for me.

i'm sick of being told and trying to believe that living at home with my parents is ok. it's not! i should have my own space. i should have my own home that i can be me in.

i'm sick of being in a job where i feel like i can never do enough to please the people on the other side of the desk. i'm sick of only ever hearing about my failures at work and not being encouraged.

frankly, i'm kind of sick of doing things for other people and never having anyone do something nice for me. i know that that goes entirely against what i'm supposed to believe as a christian. "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve." i know that. but does that mean that i'm eternally doing something for someone else and that no one ever does anything nice for me?

i'm sick of feeling like i'm not enough. i'm not worthy of you spending some time on me. with me. caring for me. asking me if i'm ok and then waiting for me to give you an honest answer.

i'm sick of being an invisible failure.

for once in my life, i just want to do something that matters. something that is good. something that isn't ordinary. i want to be a part of an adventure.

and i'm not. i'm not part of something amazing. i'm not good enough to be a part of that kind of thing.

i'm not good enough.

*sigh*

i'm sure that if anyone is actually reading this, you are probably thinking that i need to check myself into some sort of institution or something right now. maybe you're right. and maybe i'm just overly emotional at 1:07 in the morning on a tuesday.

who knows.

but i just had to get this out....

"what do you need me to do, Daddy?"

so daddy had knee surgery yesterday. momma wasn't able to stay home today to help him because of the kiddos, so i spent the day with daddy. i love him, but i've decided that when he's sick or in pain, he becomes like a little boy. a bit whiny and a little needy. :) but i'm told that's nothing special and that that happens with all men, regardless of age. ;) his request for lunch was mac 'n' cheese with hot dogs in it. i love my daddy.

i would like to think that i didn't hover over him today. but i wanted to make sure that he had everything he needed. i can't tell you how many times i asked him today if he had everything he needed. it was definitely a lot.

at least once today, i asked, what do you need me to do, daddy?

and that got me thinking:

how many times do i ask my Abba Father that question? how many times do i ask God, "what do you need from me, daddy? what do you need me to do?"

being in the place that i am right now, i know that that's a question i should be asking God a lot more. and not out of my own desperation or wanting to feel like i'm doing something for His Kingdom. but every day. in everything.

you see, i don't feel like i'm doing anything for His Kingdom at all. i go to work everyday in a church office. i answer phones. i create bulletins. i print newsletters. and for what? what purpose does all of that serve? how is that building His Kingdom?

i think in the bigger picture of my life it's easier for me to ask "what do you need me to do, daddy?" it's easier to say that i'll go where He leads me. (though that's a much harder thing for me to actually do. but that's another post for another night.)

it's in the little things of life that are hardest for me to ask, "what do you need me to do, daddy?".

it's in the everyday. it's in the mundane. it's in the clearing of a paper jam in the copier. it's in answering the same questions for the same old lady that's already called four times to ask them. it's in getting food for a family of eight, with six precious and beautiful babies. it's in listening to a friend as he searches for God and needs a person to be a sounding board. it's in making my daddy an omelet for breakfast and mac 'n' cheese for lunch.

when i ask Him, "what do you need me to do, daddy?" in the everyday, in the little things that seem as if they don't add up to much... when i do it in the little things, it makes the bigger things come a little more easily.

so here it is. the question i need to start each day with:

"What do you need me to do, Daddy?"

i don't have long... but i need to write.

there has been a ton on my mind lately. a ton that i really should have been blogging/writing about. but instead, i've chosen to try and ignore a lot of things.

you see, when i write, i don't usually just write without a purpose. i write with the purpose of trying to flesh things out in my brain. writing serves as a way for me to really look at what's going on in my life and helps me sort through some of my thoughts and feelings. i've desperately been needing to write, but i'm kind of afraid of what will come out.

even as i'm typing this, i'm censoring myself. which i actually find quite comical. this blog is mine. it's a place where i can come and be real with things. but there's this underlying fear that people will judge me based on what i write here. i have a few friends that actually know about this blog and will be reading this. but in all honesty, the majority of the people that will ever read this i have never met face to face. that thought is comforting to me. and at the same time it makes me sad.

i try to be real and honest with the people i see every day. i really do. but there's this huge fear of judgement from those people. it's something that i've struggled with my entire life. the lovely people pleaser inside of me just won't die. it doesn't matter how hard i try. i just can't kill off the people pleaser in me.

so i wonder. i wonder what the offline people in my life will think when they read this. part of me wishes that none of them would ever read this. but then there's the part of me that feels that if those offline people read this, they would learn who i am. who i really and truly am. but would that change our relationships? would that make them feel differently about me? a small part of me also hopes that if any of my real life friends ever read this they never mention it to me. but then there's another part of me that wants to know they've read it. to know that there is someone in my day to day life that truly knows me.

ugh.

so there are a couple of things rolling through my head. i may write some more later. i'm out of time for now though.

you seriously do not want to come in here. i promise.

i mean it. you really don't want to know what's been swirling around in my head the last few weeks.
it's crazy.
and most of it would probably not make any sense to you at all.

but if you're brave enough, read on. :)

i've known for a while now that after grandpa passed away, i wouldn't be here much longer. but i didn't really know what it would mean. actually, i'm pretty sure that i STILL don't know what that means.

that knowledge is part of what makes up the craziness within me right now. i feel like i'm stuck. i really do. i have a job that i like four out of five days. i do. i really do. but it's that one day that is really throwing me for a loop. i feel like God has something completely different for me. i feel like i'm not supposed to be where i am for much longer.

and yet i'm in a position where i am absolutely petrified of what that means. i have a plan for my life. and i'm wondering if i should really just throw the whole thing out the window. but i know that God wants to use what i am passionate about. throwing out my plan, my dream, really, would mean that i throw out what i'm passionate about too. and i don't think i'm supposed to do that.

i'm terrified of what complete surrender would do to me right now.

in all honesty, i'm in a great position for God to do whatever he wants with me. i don't have a husband to worry about. i don't have kids to raise. i just have me. i'm 26 years old and i'm in a great position for God to pick me up and put me somewhere else.

i don't know if he's going to do that right now though. mostly i know that because i haven't given that over to him completely. i want to. i really and truly do. but i'm scared.

i'm scared that giving in to what he wants means that i won't get to do any of what i want at all.

i need to throw up a sail and allow God to take me where he wants me. i need to let go. i need to give him the control. i need to raise the white flag. i need to surrender.

*sigh*

which brings me to a wonderful post by jon acuff of stuff christians like. oh jon acuff. how you like to allow God to use you to screw me up. and i really do mean that in the best possible way. i really do! i appreciate his authenticity and his willingness to throw out his failures and flubs and show us how God has used them. it's pretty awesome. jon wrote a post yesterday entitled "the soft x." it pretty much ripped me up. in a really good way.

i'm stuck in this place where i don't want to be. i'm stuck in the place where i don't feel like i'm doing anything for God's Kingdom at all. i'm stuck in this place where i feel like i don't matter. i'm stuck. i'm stuck wanting more. i'm stuck needing more. i'm stuck in a place where i don't know or understand what's going to happen next.

while i was reading jon's post yesterday, this paragraph stuck out to me the most. this is what i feel God is telling me right now:

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

i know that he knows. he's got a plan all of his own. and he only needs me to surrender to him. it's still just such a hard thing to do. to give your life away completely. to allow someone else to take the reigns. it's hard.

but it needs to be done.

so here it is God. i'm throwing up the sail. i'm waving the white flag. i'm handing it to you, and i'm not taking it back. take it. take my life and use me for what you want.

you know, my God, you know.

today i'm not ok.

i don't think anyone's really expecting me to be ok right now. but today, i'm definitely not. really i feel more numb than anything i think. i don't really feel much of anything. i have my linkin park playing, which would usually suggest that i'm extremely angry or irritated. i don't know that i'm really THAT angry, but i almost feel like that's what i should be listening to right now. i'm sure that makes absolutely no sense, but hardly anyone reads this blog anyway, so it doesn't matter.

i feel pretty numb, honestly. if i could describe how i feel in two words right now, they would be numb and lost. maybe a bit a scared in there as well. i'll explain those last two in a minute.

grandpa is gone.

i know that i will eventually see him again. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of that stupid cancer anymore. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of living without grandma. but somehow, it almost seems like those things aren't making me feel any better at all. and i don't know how to deal with that.

feeling number two, lost, brings about feeling number three, scared.

i've known for a few years now, that part of the reason why God brought me home for this season was to be here for my family through all of the big changes we've had in the last five years. abby's marriage to shawn, the birth of my niece and nephews, mom switching schools twice, finding out grandma had cancer, losing grandma, mom getting so sick the last couple years, finding out grandpa had cancer, mom retiring, and now losing grandpa too.

good changes and bad. just... changes. some have been easier on the family than others, but some of them i don't know how we've made it through.

i've had a lot of changes in my life too, i guess. most of them involved working at the church. this church has been through so much in the last few years that it's almost unbelievable. it may be selfish of me to think this, but i think that part of the reason God brought me home was to help with all of the changes he wanted to make here.  not a lot of people know, but there were three of us a few years ago that started praying that God would prune and mold and shape our church into what he wanted it to be. we told him we didn't care if it was hard or if it hurt, we wanted to be in his will. not long after that was when everything started happening. sorry everyone. i'm starting to get off on that and that's not what i wanted to do. really i just want to mention that i think God had me here for a few reasons related to the church.

for the last couple of years though, since grandpa was diagnosed, i've known that my life would change a lot when he went home. i've known that i'm here to help momma and daddy through things. through all of the changes and all of the hard stuff. i don't know that we'll ever get completely through all of it though.

something that's been running through my head the last year or so though, is that i won't be here much longer. i know that i'm not leaving tomorrow or anything, but i know deep down in my soul that God's not going to have me here much longer. i know that, but i have no idea what that means.

i feel like i'm kind of in limbo right now. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life anymore. i don't know what God wants me to do. i don't know who he wants me to be. i feel like i don't know anything anymore. hence the feeling of being lost.

and with that comes the feeling of being scared. i am completely petrified of what lies ahead for me. i have never done too well with change anyway, and i don't know if God is going to take me through big changes or little ones. i just know that he's going to change something. and it scares the crap out of me.

i better quite now. i'm done with my break at work and i need to stop writing before i completely lose it.

this week is only going to get harder, i think. and i'm so not looking forward to it.

*sigh*

my momma

so i was writing a post about me and my insecurities... and realized that that's not what i want to write about tonight. i want to write about my momma.

she's been through more in the last three and a half years than i think i could possibly ever endure. she's shown more grace, more compassion, more wisdom, and more strength than any other woman i've ever seen.

it all started three and a half years ago when grandma joyce, my mom's mom, went into the hospital. she and grandpa had both been ill around Christmas in 2006, so we didn't get so spend Christmas with them like we usually did. a couple of days after Christmas, grandma went into the hospital. after tons of tests, we learned that she had an inoperable tumor in her brain. treatment wasn't likely to be too effective. it sucked.

but i watched momma as she cared for grandma. she made sure that she was at the hospital all day long. every day. she waited with grandma for answers. she kept everyone informed. she put her life on hold to care for her momma. i don't know a ton about momma's childhood, but i know that grandma and grandpa were very hard on momma in a lot of ways. so much so that grandma and mom's relationship suffered. but i watched momma put all of that aside and focus on caring and loving grandma and grandpa through everything.

for four months, we went through treatment. in and out of the hospital in wichita and in hutch. here... there... all over. and momma still made herself available and was there whenever she could be. she was still teaching full time during the whole thing as well. her students' education didn't suffer a bit. they didn't miss a beat. she was amazing through it all.

losing grandma is one of the hardest things that i've ever been through. i can't imagine how hard it was for momma. there were so many times she was there with a warm smile and a reminder that we all know where grandma is. that we'll see her again. that we're only separated for a while.

losing your mom is something i NEVER want to go through. i don't think that i could handle it with half of the grace and faith that momma has.

factor in that the last three-ish years momma has had horrid principals and experiences at school... good night. she had so many different things getting thrown at her. she was torn down repeatedly by her peers. made to feel like she couldn't be an effective teacher any more. she was constantly told that she was wrong and that her kids weren't learning anything. all of these things were such lies!

and yet, momma held her tongue when she needed to. she stood up for herself when she could. she didn't let her temper get the better of her. she was patient with the people that seemed out to ruin her and everything that she has put into teaching for the last 16 years. she jumped through the hoops she was forced to jump through. she did everything they told her to.

i won't lie to you and say that she did it all with a huge smile on her face. because she most definitely didn't do that. who could? yeah, there were a couple of times that she almost let harsh and hurtful words come out of her mouth. she is human, after all.

but through everything, she always told me the same thing: she prayed for all of those people. all of those people that hurt her. that continue to have such a detrimental effect on my mom. she continues to pray for them even now. does she like them? absolutely not. but she still continues to pray for her enemies. prays that they will come to know Christ and the saving grace that he provides.

she's not teaching anymore. and i know that she's struggling with finding who she is now that she's not teaching full time. suddenly not doing something that you've done every day for the last 16 years is something i can't even imagine.

she's a retired teacher now. not necessarily by her choice either. she may not be in a classroom anymore. but my momma... she's still a teacher. she's one of the best teachers anyone could ever learn from. she's shown great humility. she's shown great compassion. she's shown perseverance. she's shown love. she's shown patience. she's shown grace. she's shown strength. she's shown faith.

all of this rambling (and i really did ramble a lot there, didn't i?) to really only say one thing:

i'm proud of my momma.

i couldn't ask for a better person for God to have chosen to raise me. she's everything i ever want to be in a woman. in a wife. in a mother.

she's the best example i've ever known.

she's my momma.

did i just write that?

carlos whittaker. i heart him. his ability to be honest and completely transparent is something that, even though i know i shouldn't, i envy. he's been posting "Soul Creative Questions of the Day" the last few weeks. A few minutes ago he posted #8:

Finish this statement.

If I was a piece of furniture I would be… 

 without pretty much any contemplation at all, i hit the post comment button and wrote what first came to mind. here's my response:

most days… the table just inside the front door (or garage door) where you dump all of your crap when you walk in.

on the good days though, the kitchen/dining room table, where family, friends, and loved ones gather around with a ton of amazing food doing life together and supporting one another.

i reread it quickly and then hit "submit comment."


then i thought about it. "wait, did i really just post that?" yes. yes i did.


the truth is that there are a lot of days when i do feel like that table. you know which one i'm talking about. the one that you unload on right when you walk in the door. the one that holds the mail. the one that catches your keys. the one that is always there without fail. the one that, if it wasn't there, you'd miss it, but you don't really notice the importance of it each time you pass by it. every day i'm here. i'm ol' reliable.


i was sick last thursday. i missed work. i don't ever miss work. ever since then, i've been thinking: "does anyone really even notice when i'm gone?" not necessarily just at work. do they notice when i miss church on sunday mornings? if i'm not there, wherever "there" may be, does it really matter? do people notice?


do i matter?


then i'm ever so gently reminded of psalm 139:

1 O Lord , you have examined my heart
  and know everything about me.

2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
  You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

3 You see me when I travel
  and when I rest at home.
  You know everything I do.

4 You know what I am going to say
  even before I say it, Lord .

5 You go before me and follow me.
  You place your hand of blessing on my head.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
  too great for me to understand!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
  I can never get away from your presence!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
  if I go down to the grave,s you are there.

9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
  if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
  and your strength will support me.

11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
  and the light around me to become night—

12   but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
  Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
  and knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
  Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
  as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

16 You saw me before I was born.
  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
  before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,s O God.
  They cannot be numbered!

18 I can't even count them;
  they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
  you are still with me!

God knows me. he knows me. little ol' reliable me. he wants me. he know my heart. he knows my hurts. he knows my questions. my worries. he knows it all. and he still loves me.


the God of the universe that is greater than any of us could possibly ever fathom... he knows me.


so do i matter?


heck yeah i do. 
he knows me. 
he loves me. 
i am his.