the worst feeling...

i've decided that the worst feeling i have ever experienced came as the result of this: being told by someone that they have lost their trust in me while looking me dead in the eyes, seeing that they really mean it, and realizing that i am wrong. second worst feeling? being pretty sure that i'm never going to be able to get that trust back.

i'm human. i fail. a lot. i have a terrible stubborn streak. i'm prideful and arrogant. i don't accept change well. never have. and i don't know that i ever will. i'm not anywhere near where i want to be as a person. there is a persona that people have in mind of me, i think. but i can almost guarantee that 90% of that persona isn't true at all. i've built up this image that isn't really who i am. i didn't really intend to do it. it just started to happen. one person would think one thing, and instead of really trying to set them straight, i let them think whatever they wanted. it was easier that way.

i moved home four years ago and i remember being so frustrated because people around here seemed to think that i hadn't changed at all. they tried to pick up with me right where they left off. i fought and fought for people to see who i really am, and the whole time, it was like nobody really cared. the andrea they knew before fit into their nice little expectations of me. i couldn't be who i really am.

so i started to hide myself. this person that i discovered and was able to become while i was away at school started to crawl back into her shell. i started letting more and more assumptions about me and my life be piled onto this hole that i crawled back into. and slowly but surely, over the last few years, i've come to the point where i barely recognize myself. i don't know who this person is staring back at me with hollow eyes and a dead spirit. i don't know who i am anymore. i've been so buried in all of this crap, that i can't find my way out of it. i don't know who i am.

most nights i sit at home, alone in my room with my laptop open, searching for any way that i can be myself. searching for any way that i can be real and authentic and bare all of this crap that's piled up on me. i've found a place or two where a community of people exist and all we want to do is be real with one another. i can go there and share my burdens with others. i can't do that here. i can't share what i really struggle with every day here.

there are days when i want nothing more than to pack up everything i own and move to a place where no one knows me. i dream of this place, i don't know where it is, where i can be the person that i am. no preconceived notions. no expectations. just people who don't know me. that will have to take as much of a chance on me as i will have to take a chance on them.

all of this from someone telling me they don't trust me anymore today. i stretched the truth lied. i felt threatened and jealous and insecure. so i lied. and that lie... i don't even understand it. i don't understand why i would lie to cover up this person inside of me that i don't even know anymore. i don't understand how i got to this place where i think about myself first, much more than i think about others. i lied to protect this person that i'm not. how did i get to be that person? how?

most of this probably doesn't make a lick of sense, but it's out there now and i can breath a little easier. i can breath a little easier knowing that someone might be out there reading this and understanding how i feel. i guess that is my hope, anyway.

so there are my thoughts for this evening. thoughts spurned on by one comment. one truly powerful statement.

"i've lost trust in you."

five words that i never knew could hurt so much.

some progress!

so i'm making some progress! this excites me more than you can possibly understand! woo! here's what's been going on:

physically - alrighty. so amanda and i went to our weight watchers meeting last night. you know, the weigh in is something that i really don't like all that much, but it's actually been kind of fun! the first time i weighed in three weeks ago, i didn't lose anything. BUT, i didn't gain anything either. last week, i lost 2.8 pounds. i was excited about that! then, we go to weigh in last night... i lost 5.8 pounds! during a holiday week, too! YAY! so, that brings my total weight loss to 8.6 pounds!!! it was a good day! my original goal to lose 20 pounds during this whole HHC is probably a bit unrealistic. but, one week in and i've already lost almost six pounds! i think i'll be happy if i just lose 15 instead of 20! still going to go for the 20 though! it could happen!!!

spiritually - been doing better with the one too! i actually got a message on facebook from an old friend (hi caleb!) asking me what he could specifically pray about for me this week/month! what perfect timing! i say perfect for a couple of reasons. one: i was thinking about caleb the other day. wondering how everything was going for him with school and wanting to find out so that i could pray for him during the HHC. two: it gave me a great chance to reconnect with him! i haven't seen him in oh, almost two years i think. :( but i've been praying for caleb the last couple of days, so it's been great! i still need to get my head (and my heart) into some sort of quiet time though. so pray for me in that if you would!

relationally - well, last night, amanda and i went to dinner and then to target after our WW meeting. we haven't done that in like, a year, i think! it was nice to be able to do it! i've also got a coffee date set for Thursday with a good friend that i've kind of lost touch with too. and i've spent a bit more time with my parents the last few days. so relationally, things are going pretty well! and they can only get better from here, i think!

ok friends. so that's it. that's how things are going. anyone else doing the Holiday Health Challenge? how are things going for you?

and away we go!

alrighty... so i've been reading jon acuff's stuff christians like for well over a year. in october, jon was at catalyst. i started up a twitter account during that week and at one point, jon tweeted (is that the correct word? :D) that he was going to be live backstage with Carlos Whittaker and Anne Jackson. so, i stumbled upon Los' blog, Ragamuffin Soul. it's been awesome! i've been encouraged by a lot of things he's said. he's also made me think about a lot of things as well.

this brings me to today. i open up my twitter account and see that Los has begun the Ragamuffin Soul 30 Day Holiday Health Challenge. all i can say about it is YAY! i've already hopped on the whole losing weight thing and i'm trying to be healthier. but i've realized that just losing weight isn't going to make me healthy. i've got to tackle a couple of other things in my life that are lacking discipline: my spiritual life and my relationships. i've been thinking about those other two for a while now, and low and behold, God used los today to push me into doing something about it!

i encourage you to go take a look at los' blog and find out about the HHC. it's going to be awesome!

so, here are the three areas i am working on:

physically ~ trying to lose about 20 additional pounds. i've lost about five since i started weight watchers two weeks ago... i want to get rid of another 20 before Christmas!

spiritually ~ even though i work at a church, my spiritual life is pretty much hosed. i don't talk to God much, unless it's to complain to him about something i think he needs to fix. so, first thing to help with this: talk to God a LOT more. even if it's just to spend two or three minutes each morning asking Him to guide my steps for the day, that will be better than what i've been doing! i also want to spend more time in His word as well. i'll get back to you on what i find to help with that. i've got some devotionals and such at home that might help with that.

relationally ~ i have some absolutely AMAZING people in my life. i am thankful for each of them and i want to take more time to really nurture my relationships with them. i want to spend more time with them; quality time where i can really get to know them. not too sure what step i'll take in that direction, but maybe just having coffee with one or two of them each week is a start.

so here goes. i'll be blogging about this at least twice each week. hopefully more!

say some prayers and let's do this!!!

asaff

comebacks

jon acuff wrote an amazing post today! read through it really quick and then check out my response that i sent him.

my email to jon:

Hey Jon.

I’ve been reading your blog for more than a year now. You might remember the “only lawn you’ve ever wanted to side hug.” That was me. I read your blog nearly every day, and today REALLY worked on my heart. I was going to post this as a comment, but it turns out that it’s too long. So I decided to email it to you instead. Thank you for your faithfulness to what God has asked you to write. He uses you more than you will ever know. But today, I wanted you to know how much He used you.

I’ve been really caught up in a lot of busy work at the church lately and decided I really needed to read your post today for some reason. and now I know why.

Working in the church is hard, I know that I don't have to tell a lot of people that. It's something that most people know. But people don't realize that when you work in a church, you can start to move away from God. It doesn’t just happen to pastors and preachers and elders. It happens to secretaries and ministry assistants too.

Personally, I’ve completely stopped doing any sort of quiet time at all. I no longer attend our young adult activities. I’m no longer connected to anyone in the church. After all, “I’ve got to get the bulletin done for Sunday morning. The newsletter is supposed to go out in two days. We've got life groups launching. This ministry needs this and this ministry needs that. I need to get this and this and this done. Oh and I can’t forget this over here too.” I’ve allowed my work to get in the way of everyone. I’ve distanced myself from everyone in the church. I don't interact with the body in any sort of way outside of work. I dread going to worship on Sunday morning. I’ve allowed my “ministry” to get in the way of God.

There's something that I’ve slowly begun to realize recently and it's really hit me full force today. While working at the church is a good thing and doing all the things I do can be good as well, that's not what's important to God. God isn't concerned with the new layout of the newsletter. His work doesn't hinge on my ability to publish a bulletin. He wants to work in my heart. He wants to work through my heart. if I don't spend time with Him, if I stay stagnate and don't grow, none of it matters at all. He gave me talents, He gave me abilities, but most of all He's given me grace. He wants to use my talents and abilities. He wants those. But more than that, He wants me. He wants my heart. He wants my soul. He wants me.

So today... today marks my comeback.

Thanks Jon. Know that today God used you to help a secretary in a church in the middle of Kansas find her way back to Him.

Thank you.

Sorry this was long, but God’s been working a lot on my heart this morning. Thank you for your willingness to be used.

so today it begins. my comeback. say some prayers for me. this is definitely NOT going to be easy.