Friday, February 5, 2010

the worst feeling...

i've decided that the worst feeling i have ever experienced came as the result of this: being told by someone that they have lost their trust in me while looking me dead in the eyes, seeing that they really mean it, and realizing that i am wrong. second worst feeling? being pretty sure that i'm never going to be able to get that trust back.

i'm human. i fail. a lot. i have a terrible stubborn streak. i'm prideful and arrogant. i don't accept change well. never have. and i don't know that i ever will. i'm not anywhere near where i want to be as a person. there is a persona that people have in mind of me, i think. but i can almost guarantee that 90% of that persona isn't true at all. i've built up this image that isn't really who i am. i didn't really intend to do it. it just started to happen. one person would think one thing, and instead of really trying to set them straight, i let them think whatever they wanted. it was easier that way.

i moved home four years ago and i remember being so frustrated because people around here seemed to think that i hadn't changed at all. they tried to pick up with me right where they left off. i fought and fought for people to see who i really am, and the whole time, it was like nobody really cared. the andrea they knew before fit into their nice little expectations of me. i couldn't be who i really am.

so i started to hide myself. this person that i discovered and was able to become while i was away at school started to crawl back into her shell. i started letting more and more assumptions about me and my life be piled onto this hole that i crawled back into. and slowly but surely, over the last few years, i've come to the point where i barely recognize myself. i don't know who this person is staring back at me with hollow eyes and a dead spirit. i don't know who i am anymore. i've been so buried in all of this crap, that i can't find my way out of it. i don't know who i am.

most nights i sit at home, alone in my room with my laptop open, searching for any way that i can be myself. searching for any way that i can be real and authentic and bare all of this crap that's piled up on me. i've found a place or two where a community of people exist and all we want to do is be real with one another. i can go there and share my burdens with others. i can't do that here. i can't share what i really struggle with every day here.

there are days when i want nothing more than to pack up everything i own and move to a place where no one knows me. i dream of this place, i don't know where it is, where i can be the person that i am. no preconceived notions. no expectations. just people who don't know me. that will have to take as much of a chance on me as i will have to take a chance on them.

all of this from someone telling me they don't trust me anymore today. i stretched the truth lied. i felt threatened and jealous and insecure. so i lied. and that lie... i don't even understand it. i don't understand why i would lie to cover up this person inside of me that i don't even know anymore. i don't understand how i got to this place where i think about myself first, much more than i think about others. i lied to protect this person that i'm not. how did i get to be that person? how?

most of this probably doesn't make a lick of sense, but it's out there now and i can breath a little easier. i can breath a little easier knowing that someone might be out there reading this and understanding how i feel. i guess that is my hope, anyway.

so there are my thoughts for this evening. thoughts spurned on by one comment. one truly powerful statement.

"i've lost trust in you."

five words that i never knew could hurt so much.