Tuesday, August 3, 2010

today i'm not ok.

i don't think anyone's really expecting me to be ok right now. but today, i'm definitely not. really i feel more numb than anything i think. i don't really feel much of anything. i have my linkin park playing, which would usually suggest that i'm extremely angry or irritated. i don't know that i'm really THAT angry, but i almost feel like that's what i should be listening to right now. i'm sure that makes absolutely no sense, but hardly anyone reads this blog anyway, so it doesn't matter.

i feel pretty numb, honestly. if i could describe how i feel in two words right now, they would be numb and lost. maybe a bit a scared in there as well. i'll explain those last two in a minute.

grandpa is gone.

i know that i will eventually see him again. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of that stupid cancer anymore. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of living without grandma. but somehow, it almost seems like those things aren't making me feel any better at all. and i don't know how to deal with that.

feeling number two, lost, brings about feeling number three, scared.

i've known for a few years now, that part of the reason why God brought me home for this season was to be here for my family through all of the big changes we've had in the last five years. abby's marriage to shawn, the birth of my niece and nephews, mom switching schools twice, finding out grandma had cancer, losing grandma, mom getting so sick the last couple years, finding out grandpa had cancer, mom retiring, and now losing grandpa too.

good changes and bad. just... changes. some have been easier on the family than others, but some of them i don't know how we've made it through.

i've had a lot of changes in my life too, i guess. most of them involved working at the church. this church has been through so much in the last few years that it's almost unbelievable. it may be selfish of me to think this, but i think that part of the reason God brought me home was to help with all of the changes he wanted to make here.  not a lot of people know, but there were three of us a few years ago that started praying that God would prune and mold and shape our church into what he wanted it to be. we told him we didn't care if it was hard or if it hurt, we wanted to be in his will. not long after that was when everything started happening. sorry everyone. i'm starting to get off on that and that's not what i wanted to do. really i just want to mention that i think God had me here for a few reasons related to the church.

for the last couple of years though, since grandpa was diagnosed, i've known that my life would change a lot when he went home. i've known that i'm here to help momma and daddy through things. through all of the changes and all of the hard stuff. i don't know that we'll ever get completely through all of it though.

something that's been running through my head the last year or so though, is that i won't be here much longer. i know that i'm not leaving tomorrow or anything, but i know deep down in my soul that God's not going to have me here much longer. i know that, but i have no idea what that means.

i feel like i'm kind of in limbo right now. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life anymore. i don't know what God wants me to do. i don't know who he wants me to be. i feel like i don't know anything anymore. hence the feeling of being lost.

and with that comes the feeling of being scared. i am completely petrified of what lies ahead for me. i have never done too well with change anyway, and i don't know if God is going to take me through big changes or little ones. i just know that he's going to change something. and it scares the crap out of me.

i better quite now. i'm done with my break at work and i need to stop writing before i completely lose it.

this week is only going to get harder, i think. and i'm so not looking forward to it.