Friday, January 30, 2009

Monday, January 19, 2009

i miss her... a lot....

tonight i'm missing my grandma. i'm missing her a lot. i'm not really sure why i have this sudden and overwhelming longing to see her. but it's there. i've actually talked about her and thought about her quite a bit today.

i suppose it's only fitting that as i would put my head to my pillow and try to really go to sleep, a song would come through the buds of my mp3 player that reminds me so much of her. i suppose that i eventually would have stumbled upon this song and decided that it reminds me of grandma joyce. but it was actually momma that pointed me to the song. she was driving to work one morning and heard it on K-LOVE. not a good combination, considering she was on a highway and then began a bawling mess. but she's right. it's almost as if this song were written for us. it serves as a reminder of a lot of things in this life. and in what Christ has done for us. it reminds me of what grandma has already gotten to do.

one thought that i've been having a lot lately has centered around the fact that i hope to get married someday. it makes me sad and angry all at the same time to know that i don't get to have grandma there in person for that special day. abby and eric both got to have her. but i won't. i won't get to have her there in the room with me before i walk down the isle. i won't have her there to tell me how beautiful i am. she won't be there for me to hug. she won't be there.

i think of all the times that she won't be there and it just makes me so sad. and i think of all the times that she was here... but it's becoming harder and harder for me to remember them. that's what breaks my heart even more. i feel like i'm forgetting her. and i don't want to do that. i feel like i've already done that with grandma francis... i can't do that with grandma joyce too. but it's happening. the memories are starting to fade. and i hate that.

i'm sitting here in our house, and i'm actually surrounded by her. things that were in grandma's house are everywhere here now. momma's brought so much home from grandma and grandpa's house. her piano is sitting next to me. and one of her tea pots. across the room from where i sit you'll find another tea pot and an antique sewing desk that once belonged to my great-grandma, and then my grandma. on the other end of the room, you'll find pieces of crystal that belonged to her. you'll find an old snow globe that we gave grandma for christmas one year sitting on our entertainment center too. she's all around me. and even as i type this, i'm just realizing that i'm sitting here wrapped in a robe that she gave me a few years ago for christmas. and on my bed, as childish as this may seem for someone that is nearly 25 years old, you will find Wrinkles, a stuffed dog that you can put your hand in the back of her head and use her as a puppet. i don't really ever sleep anywhere without Wrinks. it doesn't matter where i look... grandma's all around me.

seeing her things all around is sometimes a good thing. but on nights like this one, somehow... well, they just make it harder. harder to wait. harder to try to be patient. harder to go another day longer without seeing her.

today i miss my grandma. i miss her more than i can put into words. i don't know how long it will be, but i know that i will see her again. maybe tonight. maybe tomorrow. maybe six years from now, maybe sixty years from now. i don't know. but i know i'll see her again.

the song i was telling you about earlier that momma pointed me to... i've probably listened to it at least 15 times just now. it's chris tomlin's "i will rise."

there are two parts of that song that somehow remind me of grandma the most.

one part of the song that reminds me of her is the chorus. it talks about rising on eagles wings. it reminds me of what the end of grandma's life was like. lots of pain. and lots of sorrow on our part. the pain is gone. but the sorrow remains. i only hope that someday soon the sorrow will fade. and i know that ultimately, it will be no more. i know that when grandma's life ended here on earth, she rose above the pain. she rose above the sin in this world. she rose above it all to fall on her knees.

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

but the easiest part of the song to connect her with would have to be the bridge when tomlin sings:
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

grandma used to tell me when i was little that we would get to sing with the angels. she always had a great love for angels. and for music. she used to tell me that she couldn't wait until we all got to sing with them in Heaven.

she's singing now. singing with the god that she adored and loved all of her life.

i know i'll see her again. i know i will.

but i still miss her.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Something that makes me feel a little better....

so most anyone that knows me could tell you that i struggle A LOT with being single. i have numerous friends that are already married and a few that are getting married very soon. nearly everyone my age that i interact with on a semi-regular basis is either married, engaged, or in a serious relationship about to get engaged. and to be quite honest, it sucks! it sucks a whole lot.

i was trying to find a map for jeff today and remembered that mark moore had a ton of resources on his website. so i clicked on over. i also noticed his link to his blog. having taken up the pastime of blog hopping, i decided to click on it to see what i would find, knowing that i more than likely would not understand the majority of it. there's a TON of theology and philosophy that i just have a hard time wrapping my brain around. nevertheless, i clicked on it. and i stumbled upon this post. it gave me a bit of encouragement. here it is, in case you want to read it, but don't want to hop over to another blog:

"Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A Theology of (un)Valentine’s Day

Ah, love is in the air. It is a day to hold hands, sigh sweetly, and make Hallmark a bundle of money. Perhaps this is the cynic coming out of me, but I suspect that for many women this day is a test to see if the old boy will live up to even a minimal standard of affection. One the other hand, for most men, it is unwelcomed added stress on the heels of a taxing Christmas season. Let's face it gentlemen, we just aren't that good at creative gift-giving, especially when it involves chocolate or Victoria's Secret.

There is, however, another side of Valentine's Day that is usually muted, namely, the huge single population for whom this day is a tacit reminder that romantic love is not part of the current fabric of their lives. For them this day betrays the fact that they have no partner with whom to share this level of love—no whispered sweet nothings, no gentle kisses, no promises 'til death doth us part'. That can be a terribly lonely feeling and often society's implicit evaluation of such a state is negative.

However, the word of God speaks differently of singleness. Sure, there are texts where barren women felt abandoned by God (1 Samuel 1:1–10) or where a divorcee was ostracized by a community (John 4:16–19). But for the believer, such a state may be a call of God to single-minded devotion to the kingdom. For example, Paul considered his singleness a gift from God for the work of the Gospel (1 Cor 7:6). He puts it this way: "An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided" (1 Cor 7:32–34). Another example is Philip's four virgin daughters (Acts 21:9). Their singleness was connected to their activity as prophetesses—their devotion to their ministries was mentioned with their marital status. This doesn't prove they were single in order to prophesy, but it is suggestive. One could also note that Jesus was single all his life and it would be difficult to say that he was somehow deficient as a human being because of it. Undoubtedly, Christian singles in the early church experienced the same struggles singles do today—loneliness, vulnerability, and lust, which is probably why Paul had to exhort Timothy to flee youthful lusts (2 Tim 2:22). Nonetheless, Christian singles were, and are, an indispensable part of the body of Christ; often they look more like Jesus, Paul, and Timothy than those who have a significant other.

To those of you who are single, please receive this commendation on this day: According to the Bible, you are not deficient, cursed, or broken (you don't need to be fixed or even 'fixed up'). We thank God for you as persons and for the example you offer of single-minded devotion to Christ. To that end, allow me to give this exhortation: Don't forget our single brothers and sisters for whom Valentine 's Day may be very lonely. If you read this message and agree with the value of singles, carve out the time today to phone an 'unValentine' and affirm his or her value and friendship to you. Buy an extra card or box of chocolates and tell someone without a lover that they are dearly loved.

Mark & Barbara Moore"

a little comfort in what has been a very trying day.