three months is a long time. a lot can happen...

wow. it seems so strange to me that it's been three months since i last wrote a post. it's amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time.


i won't bore you with details and ramblings about the last three months though. but i do want to talk about something that's been on my mind a lot today.


being broken.


it's such a big word. not in length. in meaning.


here are a few of the ways that webster's dictionary defines the word broken: 

• violently separated into parts : shattered
• damaged or altered by breaking
• having undergone or been subjected to fracture
• interrupted or full of obstacles
• violated by transgression
• disrupted by change
• made weak or infirm
• crushed, sorrowful
• bankrupt
• cut off : disconnected
• not complete or full

i stumbled upon a blog post today over at People of the Second Chance. 

i've been thinking about the concept of grace all afternoon.

i have such a hard time with it. i have difficulty extending it. sometimes i have difficulty accepting it. not from man, but from God. why do i struggle so much to accept His grace? why is it so hard for me to offer grace to others?

i think that often it's because i don't think others are deserving of it. but isn't that the exact definition of grace? receiving something that you don't deserve under any circumstances? having something that you should not?


i've been thinking today that i am broken. i've talked with a few friends lately that are the same way.


broken.


none of us are whole. we all have holes inside of us that we try to fill. we try to fix us. we've all heard it said that "you can't fix stupid." something i've determined today? YOU can't fix what's broken. I can't fix what's broken. and you know what? that person sitting next to you in church? yeah, she can't fix what's broken. the man sitting down the pew from you? he can't fix broken either. we can try all we want. we can't do it.


but He can.


through His grace, and His grace alone, we can become whole again. 

Psalm 147:3 - He heals the broken hearted 
   and binds up their wounds.

He alone is good to all that love Him.

Psalm 145:8-20 - The Lord is merciful and compassionate,
      slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
 The Lord is good to everyone.
      He showers compassion on all his creation.
 All of your works will thank you, Lord,
      and your faithful followers will praise you.
 They will speak of the glory of your kingdom;
      they will give examples of your power.
 They will tell about your mighty deeds
      and about the majesty and glory of your reign.
 For your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom.
      You rule throughout all generations.
 The Lord always keeps his promises;
      he is gracious in all he does.
 The Lord helps the fallen
      and lifts those bent beneath their loads.
 The eyes of all look to you in hope;
      you give them their food as they need it.
 When you open your hand,
      you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
 The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
      he is filled with kindness.
 The Lord is close to all who call on him,
      yes, to all who call on him in truth.
 He grants the desires of those who fear him;
      he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
 The Lord protects all those who love him,
      but he destroys the wicked.

blogging after midnight is never a good thing... or is it?

i don't even know where to start with everything. i really don't. i suppose i'll just continue writing and hope that some of this makes sense. but if it doesn't, that's ok too.

i feel lost again. i'm twenty-seven years old. i'm sitting in my room, in my parents house. i should have my own place, right? i should have tons of friends that i hang out with all the time. i should be going to their houses for dinner and they should be coming to mine. but i don't have that at all.

i feel like i'm a failure. i remember thinking about another girl i know that still lives at home with her parents. she's about five years older than i am. i remember thinking about five years ago that i would feel really worthless if i still lived at home with my parents at the age of twenty-seven like she did. and lo and behold, i do.

and that's how i feel.

worthless.

i'm not enough. i'm not wanted by anyone. sure, my parents love me. my sister loves me. and maybe even a few friends. but for the most part, i really just feel like i'm not worth anything.

i have failed at so many milestones that i should have already successfully passed. i should have graduated from college. i should have a good job in ministry. i should have my own place and be completely independent of my parents. i should be married. or at least dating. maybe even married with a kid on the way or something.

but nope. it's just me. by myself. alone and feeling like no one will ever want me.

i'm so sick of it. sick of feeling like i have something to offer to others and having whatever i give thrown back at me. sick of being told that i'm not good enough. that what i do isn't good enough. that who i am isn't good enough.

i'm sick of being told, and of telling myself, that God's working on the one that i'm supposed to be with. he's making him perfect for me. not perfect... but perfect for me.

i'm sick of being told and trying to believe that living at home with my parents is ok. it's not! i should have my own space. i should have my own home that i can be me in.

i'm sick of being in a job where i feel like i can never do enough to please the people on the other side of the desk. i'm sick of only ever hearing about my failures at work and not being encouraged.

frankly, i'm kind of sick of doing things for other people and never having anyone do something nice for me. i know that that goes entirely against what i'm supposed to believe as a christian. "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve." i know that. but does that mean that i'm eternally doing something for someone else and that no one ever does anything nice for me?

i'm sick of feeling like i'm not enough. i'm not worthy of you spending some time on me. with me. caring for me. asking me if i'm ok and then waiting for me to give you an honest answer.

i'm sick of being an invisible failure.

for once in my life, i just want to do something that matters. something that is good. something that isn't ordinary. i want to be a part of an adventure.

and i'm not. i'm not part of something amazing. i'm not good enough to be a part of that kind of thing.

i'm not good enough.

*sigh*

i'm sure that if anyone is actually reading this, you are probably thinking that i need to check myself into some sort of institution or something right now. maybe you're right. and maybe i'm just overly emotional at 1:07 in the morning on a tuesday.

who knows.

but i just had to get this out....

"what do you need me to do, Daddy?"

so daddy had knee surgery yesterday. momma wasn't able to stay home today to help him because of the kiddos, so i spent the day with daddy. i love him, but i've decided that when he's sick or in pain, he becomes like a little boy. a bit whiny and a little needy. :) but i'm told that's nothing special and that that happens with all men, regardless of age. ;) his request for lunch was mac 'n' cheese with hot dogs in it. i love my daddy.

i would like to think that i didn't hover over him today. but i wanted to make sure that he had everything he needed. i can't tell you how many times i asked him today if he had everything he needed. it was definitely a lot.

at least once today, i asked, what do you need me to do, daddy?

and that got me thinking:

how many times do i ask my Abba Father that question? how many times do i ask God, "what do you need from me, daddy? what do you need me to do?"

being in the place that i am right now, i know that that's a question i should be asking God a lot more. and not out of my own desperation or wanting to feel like i'm doing something for His Kingdom. but every day. in everything.

you see, i don't feel like i'm doing anything for His Kingdom at all. i go to work everyday in a church office. i answer phones. i create bulletins. i print newsletters. and for what? what purpose does all of that serve? how is that building His Kingdom?

i think in the bigger picture of my life it's easier for me to ask "what do you need me to do, daddy?" it's easier to say that i'll go where He leads me. (though that's a much harder thing for me to actually do. but that's another post for another night.)

it's in the little things of life that are hardest for me to ask, "what do you need me to do, daddy?".

it's in the everyday. it's in the mundane. it's in the clearing of a paper jam in the copier. it's in answering the same questions for the same old lady that's already called four times to ask them. it's in getting food for a family of eight, with six precious and beautiful babies. it's in listening to a friend as he searches for God and needs a person to be a sounding board. it's in making my daddy an omelet for breakfast and mac 'n' cheese for lunch.

when i ask Him, "what do you need me to do, daddy?" in the everyday, in the little things that seem as if they don't add up to much... when i do it in the little things, it makes the bigger things come a little more easily.

so here it is. the question i need to start each day with:

"What do you need me to do, Daddy?"

i don't have long... but i need to write.

there has been a ton on my mind lately. a ton that i really should have been blogging/writing about. but instead, i've chosen to try and ignore a lot of things.

you see, when i write, i don't usually just write without a purpose. i write with the purpose of trying to flesh things out in my brain. writing serves as a way for me to really look at what's going on in my life and helps me sort through some of my thoughts and feelings. i've desperately been needing to write, but i'm kind of afraid of what will come out.

even as i'm typing this, i'm censoring myself. which i actually find quite comical. this blog is mine. it's a place where i can come and be real with things. but there's this underlying fear that people will judge me based on what i write here. i have a few friends that actually know about this blog and will be reading this. but in all honesty, the majority of the people that will ever read this i have never met face to face. that thought is comforting to me. and at the same time it makes me sad.

i try to be real and honest with the people i see every day. i really do. but there's this huge fear of judgement from those people. it's something that i've struggled with my entire life. the lovely people pleaser inside of me just won't die. it doesn't matter how hard i try. i just can't kill off the people pleaser in me.

so i wonder. i wonder what the offline people in my life will think when they read this. part of me wishes that none of them would ever read this. but then there's the part of me that feels that if those offline people read this, they would learn who i am. who i really and truly am. but would that change our relationships? would that make them feel differently about me? a small part of me also hopes that if any of my real life friends ever read this they never mention it to me. but then there's another part of me that wants to know they've read it. to know that there is someone in my day to day life that truly knows me.

ugh.

so there are a couple of things rolling through my head. i may write some more later. i'm out of time for now though.