Sunday, January 16, 2011

i don't have long... but i need to write.

there has been a ton on my mind lately. a ton that i really should have been blogging/writing about. but instead, i've chosen to try and ignore a lot of things.

you see, when i write, i don't usually just write without a purpose. i write with the purpose of trying to flesh things out in my brain. writing serves as a way for me to really look at what's going on in my life and helps me sort through some of my thoughts and feelings. i've desperately been needing to write, but i'm kind of afraid of what will come out.

even as i'm typing this, i'm censoring myself. which i actually find quite comical. this blog is mine. it's a place where i can come and be real with things. but there's this underlying fear that people will judge me based on what i write here. i have a few friends that actually know about this blog and will be reading this. but in all honesty, the majority of the people that will ever read this i have never met face to face. that thought is comforting to me. and at the same time it makes me sad.

i try to be real and honest with the people i see every day. i really do. but there's this huge fear of judgement from those people. it's something that i've struggled with my entire life. the lovely people pleaser inside of me just won't die. it doesn't matter how hard i try. i just can't kill off the people pleaser in me.

so i wonder. i wonder what the offline people in my life will think when they read this. part of me wishes that none of them would ever read this. but then there's the part of me that feels that if those offline people read this, they would learn who i am. who i really and truly am. but would that change our relationships? would that make them feel differently about me? a small part of me also hopes that if any of my real life friends ever read this they never mention it to me. but then there's another part of me that wants to know they've read it. to know that there is someone in my day to day life that truly knows me.

ugh.

so there are a couple of things rolling through my head. i may write some more later. i'm out of time for now though.

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