you seriously do not want to come in here. i promise.

i mean it. you really don't want to know what's been swirling around in my head the last few weeks.
it's crazy.
and most of it would probably not make any sense to you at all.

but if you're brave enough, read on. :)

i've known for a while now that after grandpa passed away, i wouldn't be here much longer. but i didn't really know what it would mean. actually, i'm pretty sure that i STILL don't know what that means.

that knowledge is part of what makes up the craziness within me right now. i feel like i'm stuck. i really do. i have a job that i like four out of five days. i do. i really do. but it's that one day that is really throwing me for a loop. i feel like God has something completely different for me. i feel like i'm not supposed to be where i am for much longer.

and yet i'm in a position where i am absolutely petrified of what that means. i have a plan for my life. and i'm wondering if i should really just throw the whole thing out the window. but i know that God wants to use what i am passionate about. throwing out my plan, my dream, really, would mean that i throw out what i'm passionate about too. and i don't think i'm supposed to do that.

i'm terrified of what complete surrender would do to me right now.

in all honesty, i'm in a great position for God to do whatever he wants with me. i don't have a husband to worry about. i don't have kids to raise. i just have me. i'm 26 years old and i'm in a great position for God to pick me up and put me somewhere else.

i don't know if he's going to do that right now though. mostly i know that because i haven't given that over to him completely. i want to. i really and truly do. but i'm scared.

i'm scared that giving in to what he wants means that i won't get to do any of what i want at all.

i need to throw up a sail and allow God to take me where he wants me. i need to let go. i need to give him the control. i need to raise the white flag. i need to surrender.

*sigh*

which brings me to a wonderful post by jon acuff of stuff christians like. oh jon acuff. how you like to allow God to use you to screw me up. and i really do mean that in the best possible way. i really do! i appreciate his authenticity and his willingness to throw out his failures and flubs and show us how God has used them. it's pretty awesome. jon wrote a post yesterday entitled "the soft x." it pretty much ripped me up. in a really good way.

i'm stuck in this place where i don't want to be. i'm stuck in the place where i don't feel like i'm doing anything for God's Kingdom at all. i'm stuck in this place where i feel like i don't matter. i'm stuck. i'm stuck wanting more. i'm stuck needing more. i'm stuck in a place where i don't know or understand what's going to happen next.

while i was reading jon's post yesterday, this paragraph stuck out to me the most. this is what i feel God is telling me right now:

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

i know that he knows. he's got a plan all of his own. and he only needs me to surrender to him. it's still just such a hard thing to do. to give your life away completely. to allow someone else to take the reigns. it's hard.

but it needs to be done.

so here it is God. i'm throwing up the sail. i'm waving the white flag. i'm handing it to you, and i'm not taking it back. take it. take my life and use me for what you want.

you know, my God, you know.

The "Is that contestant on American Idol a Christian? Scorecard

As part of the release of Jon Acuff's book, Stuff Christians Like, he's created what could be one of the largest scorecards EVER! He's doled out more than 130 "guest blog" posts like the one below to create one MASSIVE guest post! To add up your score with the over 130 other ideas on the scorecard, check out Jon's website, stuffchrstianslike.net!

92. When asked why they picked such a bad song to sing by the judges they respond, “Spiritual Attack” = + 3 points

To add up your score with over 130 other ideas on this scorecard, visit stuffchristianslike.net!

and away we go!

alrighty... so i've been reading jon acuff's stuff christians like for well over a year. in october, jon was at catalyst. i started up a twitter account during that week and at one point, jon tweeted (is that the correct word? :D) that he was going to be live backstage with Carlos Whittaker and Anne Jackson. so, i stumbled upon Los' blog, Ragamuffin Soul. it's been awesome! i've been encouraged by a lot of things he's said. he's also made me think about a lot of things as well.

this brings me to today. i open up my twitter account and see that Los has begun the Ragamuffin Soul 30 Day Holiday Health Challenge. all i can say about it is YAY! i've already hopped on the whole losing weight thing and i'm trying to be healthier. but i've realized that just losing weight isn't going to make me healthy. i've got to tackle a couple of other things in my life that are lacking discipline: my spiritual life and my relationships. i've been thinking about those other two for a while now, and low and behold, God used los today to push me into doing something about it!

i encourage you to go take a look at los' blog and find out about the HHC. it's going to be awesome!

so, here are the three areas i am working on:

physically ~ trying to lose about 20 additional pounds. i've lost about five since i started weight watchers two weeks ago... i want to get rid of another 20 before Christmas!

spiritually ~ even though i work at a church, my spiritual life is pretty much hosed. i don't talk to God much, unless it's to complain to him about something i think he needs to fix. so, first thing to help with this: talk to God a LOT more. even if it's just to spend two or three minutes each morning asking Him to guide my steps for the day, that will be better than what i've been doing! i also want to spend more time in His word as well. i'll get back to you on what i find to help with that. i've got some devotionals and such at home that might help with that.

relationally ~ i have some absolutely AMAZING people in my life. i am thankful for each of them and i want to take more time to really nurture my relationships with them. i want to spend more time with them; quality time where i can really get to know them. not too sure what step i'll take in that direction, but maybe just having coffee with one or two of them each week is a start.

so here goes. i'll be blogging about this at least twice each week. hopefully more!

say some prayers and let's do this!!!

asaff