Tuesday, June 7, 2011

blogging after midnight is never a good thing... or is it?

i don't even know where to start with everything. i really don't. i suppose i'll just continue writing and hope that some of this makes sense. but if it doesn't, that's ok too.

i feel lost again. i'm twenty-seven years old. i'm sitting in my room, in my parents house. i should have my own place, right? i should have tons of friends that i hang out with all the time. i should be going to their houses for dinner and they should be coming to mine. but i don't have that at all.

i feel like i'm a failure. i remember thinking about another girl i know that still lives at home with her parents. she's about five years older than i am. i remember thinking about five years ago that i would feel really worthless if i still lived at home with my parents at the age of twenty-seven like she did. and lo and behold, i do.

and that's how i feel.


i'm not enough. i'm not wanted by anyone. sure, my parents love me. my sister loves me. and maybe even a few friends. but for the most part, i really just feel like i'm not worth anything.

i have failed at so many milestones that i should have already successfully passed. i should have graduated from college. i should have a good job in ministry. i should have my own place and be completely independent of my parents. i should be married. or at least dating. maybe even married with a kid on the way or something.

but nope. it's just me. by myself. alone and feeling like no one will ever want me.

i'm so sick of it. sick of feeling like i have something to offer to others and having whatever i give thrown back at me. sick of being told that i'm not good enough. that what i do isn't good enough. that who i am isn't good enough.

i'm sick of being told, and of telling myself, that God's working on the one that i'm supposed to be with. he's making him perfect for me. not perfect... but perfect for me.

i'm sick of being told and trying to believe that living at home with my parents is ok. it's not! i should have my own space. i should have my own home that i can be me in.

i'm sick of being in a job where i feel like i can never do enough to please the people on the other side of the desk. i'm sick of only ever hearing about my failures at work and not being encouraged.

frankly, i'm kind of sick of doing things for other people and never having anyone do something nice for me. i know that that goes entirely against what i'm supposed to believe as a christian. "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve." i know that. but does that mean that i'm eternally doing something for someone else and that no one ever does anything nice for me?

i'm sick of feeling like i'm not enough. i'm not worthy of you spending some time on me. with me. caring for me. asking me if i'm ok and then waiting for me to give you an honest answer.

i'm sick of being an invisible failure.

for once in my life, i just want to do something that matters. something that is good. something that isn't ordinary. i want to be a part of an adventure.

and i'm not. i'm not part of something amazing. i'm not good enough to be a part of that kind of thing.

i'm not good enough.


i'm sure that if anyone is actually reading this, you are probably thinking that i need to check myself into some sort of institution or something right now. maybe you're right. and maybe i'm just overly emotional at 1:07 in the morning on a tuesday.

who knows.

but i just had to get this out....