some progress!

so i'm making some progress! this excites me more than you can possibly understand! woo! here's what's been going on:

physically - alrighty. so amanda and i went to our weight watchers meeting last night. you know, the weigh in is something that i really don't like all that much, but it's actually been kind of fun! the first time i weighed in three weeks ago, i didn't lose anything. BUT, i didn't gain anything either. last week, i lost 2.8 pounds. i was excited about that! then, we go to weigh in last night... i lost 5.8 pounds! during a holiday week, too! YAY! so, that brings my total weight loss to 8.6 pounds!!! it was a good day! my original goal to lose 20 pounds during this whole HHC is probably a bit unrealistic. but, one week in and i've already lost almost six pounds! i think i'll be happy if i just lose 15 instead of 20! still going to go for the 20 though! it could happen!!!

spiritually - been doing better with the one too! i actually got a message on facebook from an old friend (hi caleb!) asking me what he could specifically pray about for me this week/month! what perfect timing! i say perfect for a couple of reasons. one: i was thinking about caleb the other day. wondering how everything was going for him with school and wanting to find out so that i could pray for him during the HHC. two: it gave me a great chance to reconnect with him! i haven't seen him in oh, almost two years i think. :( but i've been praying for caleb the last couple of days, so it's been great! i still need to get my head (and my heart) into some sort of quiet time though. so pray for me in that if you would!

relationally - well, last night, amanda and i went to dinner and then to target after our WW meeting. we haven't done that in like, a year, i think! it was nice to be able to do it! i've also got a coffee date set for Thursday with a good friend that i've kind of lost touch with too. and i've spent a bit more time with my parents the last few days. so relationally, things are going pretty well! and they can only get better from here, i think!

ok friends. so that's it. that's how things are going. anyone else doing the Holiday Health Challenge? how are things going for you?

and away we go!

alrighty... so i've been reading jon acuff's stuff christians like for well over a year. in october, jon was at catalyst. i started up a twitter account during that week and at one point, jon tweeted (is that the correct word? :D) that he was going to be live backstage with Carlos Whittaker and Anne Jackson. so, i stumbled upon Los' blog, Ragamuffin Soul. it's been awesome! i've been encouraged by a lot of things he's said. he's also made me think about a lot of things as well.

this brings me to today. i open up my twitter account and see that Los has begun the Ragamuffin Soul 30 Day Holiday Health Challenge. all i can say about it is YAY! i've already hopped on the whole losing weight thing and i'm trying to be healthier. but i've realized that just losing weight isn't going to make me healthy. i've got to tackle a couple of other things in my life that are lacking discipline: my spiritual life and my relationships. i've been thinking about those other two for a while now, and low and behold, God used los today to push me into doing something about it!

i encourage you to go take a look at los' blog and find out about the HHC. it's going to be awesome!

so, here are the three areas i am working on:

physically ~ trying to lose about 20 additional pounds. i've lost about five since i started weight watchers two weeks ago... i want to get rid of another 20 before Christmas!

spiritually ~ even though i work at a church, my spiritual life is pretty much hosed. i don't talk to God much, unless it's to complain to him about something i think he needs to fix. so, first thing to help with this: talk to God a LOT more. even if it's just to spend two or three minutes each morning asking Him to guide my steps for the day, that will be better than what i've been doing! i also want to spend more time in His word as well. i'll get back to you on what i find to help with that. i've got some devotionals and such at home that might help with that.

relationally ~ i have some absolutely AMAZING people in my life. i am thankful for each of them and i want to take more time to really nurture my relationships with them. i want to spend more time with them; quality time where i can really get to know them. not too sure what step i'll take in that direction, but maybe just having coffee with one or two of them each week is a start.

so here goes. i'll be blogging about this at least twice each week. hopefully more!

say some prayers and let's do this!!!

asaff

comebacks

jon acuff wrote an amazing post today! read through it really quick and then check out my response that i sent him.

my email to jon:

Hey Jon.

I’ve been reading your blog for more than a year now. You might remember the “only lawn you’ve ever wanted to side hug.” That was me. I read your blog nearly every day, and today REALLY worked on my heart. I was going to post this as a comment, but it turns out that it’s too long. So I decided to email it to you instead. Thank you for your faithfulness to what God has asked you to write. He uses you more than you will ever know. But today, I wanted you to know how much He used you.

I’ve been really caught up in a lot of busy work at the church lately and decided I really needed to read your post today for some reason. and now I know why.

Working in the church is hard, I know that I don't have to tell a lot of people that. It's something that most people know. But people don't realize that when you work in a church, you can start to move away from God. It doesn’t just happen to pastors and preachers and elders. It happens to secretaries and ministry assistants too.

Personally, I’ve completely stopped doing any sort of quiet time at all. I no longer attend our young adult activities. I’m no longer connected to anyone in the church. After all, “I’ve got to get the bulletin done for Sunday morning. The newsletter is supposed to go out in two days. We've got life groups launching. This ministry needs this and this ministry needs that. I need to get this and this and this done. Oh and I can’t forget this over here too.” I’ve allowed my work to get in the way of everyone. I’ve distanced myself from everyone in the church. I don't interact with the body in any sort of way outside of work. I dread going to worship on Sunday morning. I’ve allowed my “ministry” to get in the way of God.

There's something that I’ve slowly begun to realize recently and it's really hit me full force today. While working at the church is a good thing and doing all the things I do can be good as well, that's not what's important to God. God isn't concerned with the new layout of the newsletter. His work doesn't hinge on my ability to publish a bulletin. He wants to work in my heart. He wants to work through my heart. if I don't spend time with Him, if I stay stagnate and don't grow, none of it matters at all. He gave me talents, He gave me abilities, but most of all He's given me grace. He wants to use my talents and abilities. He wants those. But more than that, He wants me. He wants my heart. He wants my soul. He wants me.

So today... today marks my comeback.

Thanks Jon. Know that today God used you to help a secretary in a church in the middle of Kansas find her way back to Him.

Thank you.

Sorry this was long, but God’s been working a lot on my heart this morning. Thank you for your willingness to be used.

so today it begins. my comeback. say some prayers for me. this is definitely NOT going to be easy.

i think i've created this small life that i lead...

back in march, i wrote about the fact that i lead a small life. and as i was taking a shower just now, that came to my mind again. i still lead a small life. nothing has changed. except that i just realized something.

the reason why i lead such a small life is becuase i created it. i'm the one that made my life so small. though i don't know how i did it, i did. i've created this life for myself.

and i don't know how to get myself out of it. the only thing i can think to do is to change. change everything. change as much about myself as i can.

i feel like i can no longer sit here and be who i am happy being and think that everything else is going to fall into place. i can't sit here and be who i want to be anymore. i can't sit here and pretend that others are going to love me for who i am. i feel like i have to change into who they want me to be.

i feel like i can't be me anymore.

i can't continue the way i have for so many years.

i have to change.

faith and trust...

this is going to be a long entry, so please bear with me.

some of my old youth coaches are going through something that I cannot possibly imagine going through myself. Ann and Jeff were always a great couple to be around. nearly two years ago, Ann was diagnosed with colon cancer. she's fought harder than so many people that I know. throughout most of my time in reading Ann’s CaringBridge journal, the one thing that I’ve come to remember once again is how selfless Ann is. in nearly every entry she'll tell you how she's feeling, ask for prayer for someone else in her life, and then she might ask you to pray for her. she and Jeff are truly remarkable. they were a great support and encouragement to me while I was in high school. it makes me sad that I’ve pretty much lost touch with them.

here is a journal entry that Jeff posted last night. someday, I hope to have faith and trust in God like they do. their story is one of hope that hasn't been lost, but has been found in the Lord. for anyone that stumbles upon this blog, I ask that you please pray for Ann and Jeff. pray for their three young boys as they continue this difficult journey. you can find Ann’s CaringBridge site here.

Here's Jeff’s entry from last night:
Dearest Friends and Family...

Grace and Peace to you...

First... We appreciate your sensitivity to Vic and Val's previous requests to slow down the visits and calls. It certainly is not my intention to shut anyone out. Please, please don't think that we don't appreciate or want those calls and visits.

However, I am sad to report that Ann's condition is still deteriorating. She is sleeping more than she is awake. When she is awake, she has trouble collecting her thoughts and it takes great effort for her to communicate. So it is an unfortunate necessity that we curtail the visits. The good news is that she is no longer complaining of any pain whatsoever...and is resting quite comfortably.

We did have a nice quiet day today... and I was able to steal some moments with her when she was lucid and alert. How I cherish those precious few moments......

-------------------------------------------------------------

If you would be so kind as to spend a couple more minutes reading... I have a some thoughts to share from Ann and myself that might bring you a bit of comfort...

I apologize that this is long...but I hope you'll read it through to the end....
(you can come back later if you need a break) :)

First and foremost, a statement that we both have made from the beginning. We have said it many times, we still believe it, and it is worth repeating. We do not believe for one second that God cursed Ann with this disease as punishment for her or my sins. Jesus took care of that on the cross. ...can I get an Amen?? To believe anything else would suggest that Jesus' sacrifice was invalid. Furthermore, God cannot create or be associated with anything evil.

Though God did not create or inflict cancer on Ann (or anyone else, for that matter), He IS very interested in how we respond when faced with it. We have a choice. We can choose despair and hopelessness... Or we can respond by having faith and hope that God will keep his promise. The promise that He will walk side-by-side with us through whatever it is that we might be going through, including this ...we choose to have faith... still....

The risky part of having a faith like that is the realization that Ann's healing may come in the form of God bringing her home to be by His side in heaven. That day may be coming soon. That is not our hearts desire, but if God so chooses...we will have faith that Jesus' work was not in vain... And what an incredible healing that will be. God will restore her into the woman that HE created her to be...

In the mean time, God is at work...everywhere...working out his purposes. And He is using whatever means necessary to do so. Including our current situation.

Now, I am not normally a numbers and statistics type of guy...especially concerning spiritual matters. And blessed is the man who does not see, yet believes. But I do believe that sometimes we humans can benefit by seeing some tangible proof that God's work is ongoing. Read on, and you will see what I mean...

I have compiled a few numbers to help visualize just a mere portion of the work that God is doing in our lives, and the lives of others.

If you look up in the right-hand corner of this web-page you see how many times Ann's site has been visited. (many of those are repeat visitors...but that's still a lot of hits nonetheless). Visitors have written her over 1000 messages of encouragement.
...God is at work...

Eighteen people have come at different times to help me with home improvements (mostly painting)(there's a special place in Heaven for those who peel wallpaper...)

Ann's parents drive 340 miles one way to come help out. Having made that trip at least 20 times in the past year...probably more. That adds up to at least 13,600 miles traveled to help us...

The other members of our families have completed endless tasks for us...

No less than 70 people have brought a meal to us...

Hundreds, if not thousands of dollars have been donated to help defray medical expenses and home improvement costs... hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas gifts were donated to us and our boys...

Every one of the 170-or-so members of our Sunday school class has done something to help us out in some way... At least half have performed some physical task, including, but not limited to... bringing a meal, taking recyclables to the recycle bins, giving the kids a ride somewhere, taking Ann to the clinic, sitting with Ann during a treatment or at home, doing laundry, cleaning, painting and many other tasks. And those who did not perform a physical task joined those who did by praying for us...which is the greatest thing anyone can do for us...

And on the subject of prayer... I am not even going to begin to try to count the total number of people who are praying for us. ...our families...our Sunday school class... dozens within the church... the church staff... and even some people who have never prayed before at all. And most of those people have their own network of friends praying for Ann also. Only God knows how far reaching the prayer chains are... but one thing is certain...He hears every one of them....

Over the past two years Ann has shared her faith unabashedly with countless people including many non-Christians. To listen to Ann share her faith in the midst of her pain brings me to my knees... still...

In my travels, I have been able to share my own faith (to various degrees) with several people in the last year. Me sharing my faith with anyone is a miracle in itself!!! (I'm not a good evangelist) After sharing Ann's story I am often asked how I cope with it... which gives me the opportunity to explain why I have the peace that I do...

Through this trial, our families have grown closer together than perhaps ever before...

------------------------------

At first glance, ours appears to be a hopeless situation. Yet God has chosen to use this opportunity to achieve his purposes. For some that is an opportunity to use their spiritual gifts and talents to help us. For others it is to hear of God’s grace and mercy for the first time... and perhaps someone, someday may respond to that message by committing their life to Jesus.

For myself, God reveals something new to me every day. (on that subject I could write a book. but that's for another time)

There have been books written regarding the question of why bad things happen to good people. The debate is timeless. In the end, my opinion is that God will use both good and bad situations to achieve His purposes.

My prayer is that what I've said here will encourage you to really look at what God is doing in every situation. Look past the bad to see the good that God is doing.

Right now all of our hearts are breaking...so it is tough for us to see it... but God is working out His perfect will in us, and others... and nothing bad can come from that.

So into God's hands we lay our lives. And to Him we'll give all the glory....

Thank you so much for taking the time....

....Be salt and light in your world....

Jeff

i lead a small life....

for the last few days, i've had a quote running through my head. it's from what many may think is a silly movie; but it's one that i love.

in "you've got mail," meg ryan's character, kathleen kelly, writes to tom hanks' character, joe fox, something that's been rolling through my head for the last few hours. i couldn't figure out where i had heard it and it was driving me nuts. so of course i turned to my trusty friend, Mr. Google.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?"

i've been thinking lately that i don't really do much. i feel most of the time as if i don't do anything for anyone. that i only do things for myself. and the times when i don't feel like i'm being completely selfish, i feel like i just don't matter. i feel like my life is just a speck that's floating in the wind. like one of those little dandelion seeds that you would blow around on a windy day. i feel like i'm insignificant. like i don't matter at all.

i think what kicked off this whole "do i matter?" line of thinking was my birthday.

i turned 25 on saturday. the quarter century mark. it almost doesn't seem possible to me for some reason. i honestly didn't really have much planned going into the weekend. i was probably going to go out Saturday night with Steph and maybe a few other friends too. I was just going to go eat chinese food with mom and dad friday night as always. it wasn't going to be that much different than any other weekend.

it ended up only being me and steph that went out on saturday night. and that reminded me of other birthdays i've had. terrible days that i mostly wish i could forget. i remember one birthday in particular, i wanted to have a skating party. it wasn't a cheap thing to do, but mom and dad relented and paid the money for it. i could invite twelve friends to come. only one showed up. just one. and it hurt. i am pretty sure it was around fifth grade or so. at that time, i was becoming even more insecure and of course no one showing up at my party didn't help matters any at all.

i thought of that, and i began to feel sorry for myself all over again. i started to feel like i didn't matter. why weren't any of my other friends there to celebrate with us? why couldn't i have a special day that was just for me? a day in which everyone just wants to dote on me and make sure that i'm having a good time. is it really such a task?

steph dropped me off and i basically felt like crap. i felt like no one had noticed that God put me on this plant 25 years ago on march 14th. i felt like no one cared.

then i logged on to my facebook. i'd gotten a few texts throughout the day telling me that people had written on my wall, so i wanted to check them out.

and i was amazed. i counted them up tonight. i had 41 different people take time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. there are a few that i really wish would have taken the time, but i was still very surprised.

do i matter? 41 people telling me happy birthday should tell me that i do... but for some reason, i really just don't feel it. i don't really feel as if i do.

the rest of kathleen kelly's quote echos in my head... "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book (or in my case, have seen in a movie), when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

do i matter? do i really make a difference to anyone else? like kathleen, i send these questions out into the void. into the silence of the night. good night, dear void. good night.

changes...

more changes are on the way for my life.

which shouldn't be surprising because life is ALWAYS changing. but for some reason, i'm being taken by surprise a lot lately.

i've been surprised by the decisions some people in my life have decided to make. though these decisions don't directly affect my everyday life and the way i live, they are going to take some getting used to.

ugh. i was going to write a lot, but i don't have a very good wireless signal here at mead's tonight. so i think i'll just leave it at that.

changes are happening. i'm not sure that i like them, but there's nothing i can do about them.

I first came across these guys at the end of September when they opened for Shane and Shane. One listen to them and I was hooked! They loop nearly everything. It's stinking amazing!!! They put out a new song that you can download for free every Monday. This week's song, Apathetic Skies, seems like it was written just for me and how I've felt the last few days, weeks, even months.

Visit Two Seconds Away and check out some awesome music!


"Apathetic Skies "
lyrics by Patrick Largen


Is it the cold and the haze
Or the apathetic skies
Breathing sadness in my bones
You can see it in my eyes

So just forget about it
It's been some long days
Since I've seen the sun
I'm not thinking straight

Don't drop your head like that
when you walk away
It will be okay
Yeah I will be okay

All the feelings come and go
Like a game of hide and seek
Can I borrow yours to know
What it feels like to dream

Yeah I'm angry
I'm pushing you away
And I'll be alone
But I will be okay

So just forget about it
It's been some long days
Since I've seen the sun
I'm not thinking straight

Don't drop your head like that
when you walk away
It will be okay
Yeah I will be okay

Be okay, Be okay
Be okay, Be okay
Be okay, Be okay
Be okay

Is it the cold and the haze
Or the apathetic skies

i heart wordle...

i took my last post and did a little wordle picture. i heart wordle.

i miss her... a lot....

tonight i'm missing my grandma. i'm missing her a lot. i'm not really sure why i have this sudden and overwhelming longing to see her. but it's there. i've actually talked about her and thought about her quite a bit today.

i suppose it's only fitting that as i would put my head to my pillow and try to really go to sleep, a song would come through the buds of my mp3 player that reminds me so much of her. i suppose that i eventually would have stumbled upon this song and decided that it reminds me of grandma joyce. but it was actually momma that pointed me to the song. she was driving to work one morning and heard it on K-LOVE. not a good combination, considering she was on a highway and then began a bawling mess. but she's right. it's almost as if this song were written for us. it serves as a reminder of a lot of things in this life. and in what Christ has done for us. it reminds me of what grandma has already gotten to do.

one thought that i've been having a lot lately has centered around the fact that i hope to get married someday. it makes me sad and angry all at the same time to know that i don't get to have grandma there in person for that special day. abby and eric both got to have her. but i won't. i won't get to have her there in the room with me before i walk down the isle. i won't have her there to tell me how beautiful i am. she won't be there for me to hug. she won't be there.

i think of all the times that she won't be there and it just makes me so sad. and i think of all the times that she was here... but it's becoming harder and harder for me to remember them. that's what breaks my heart even more. i feel like i'm forgetting her. and i don't want to do that. i feel like i've already done that with grandma francis... i can't do that with grandma joyce too. but it's happening. the memories are starting to fade. and i hate that.

i'm sitting here in our house, and i'm actually surrounded by her. things that were in grandma's house are everywhere here now. momma's brought so much home from grandma and grandpa's house. her piano is sitting next to me. and one of her tea pots. across the room from where i sit you'll find another tea pot and an antique sewing desk that once belonged to my great-grandma, and then my grandma. on the other end of the room, you'll find pieces of crystal that belonged to her. you'll find an old snow globe that we gave grandma for christmas one year sitting on our entertainment center too. she's all around me. and even as i type this, i'm just realizing that i'm sitting here wrapped in a robe that she gave me a few years ago for christmas. and on my bed, as childish as this may seem for someone that is nearly 25 years old, you will find Wrinkles, a stuffed dog that you can put your hand in the back of her head and use her as a puppet. i don't really ever sleep anywhere without Wrinks. it doesn't matter where i look... grandma's all around me.

seeing her things all around is sometimes a good thing. but on nights like this one, somehow... well, they just make it harder. harder to wait. harder to try to be patient. harder to go another day longer without seeing her.

today i miss my grandma. i miss her more than i can put into words. i don't know how long it will be, but i know that i will see her again. maybe tonight. maybe tomorrow. maybe six years from now, maybe sixty years from now. i don't know. but i know i'll see her again.

the song i was telling you about earlier that momma pointed me to... i've probably listened to it at least 15 times just now. it's chris tomlin's "i will rise."

there are two parts of that song that somehow remind me of grandma the most.

one part of the song that reminds me of her is the chorus. it talks about rising on eagles wings. it reminds me of what the end of grandma's life was like. lots of pain. and lots of sorrow on our part. the pain is gone. but the sorrow remains. i only hope that someday soon the sorrow will fade. and i know that ultimately, it will be no more. i know that when grandma's life ended here on earth, she rose above the pain. she rose above the sin in this world. she rose above it all to fall on her knees.

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

but the easiest part of the song to connect her with would have to be the bridge when tomlin sings:
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

grandma used to tell me when i was little that we would get to sing with the angels. she always had a great love for angels. and for music. she used to tell me that she couldn't wait until we all got to sing with them in Heaven.

she's singing now. singing with the god that she adored and loved all of her life.

i know i'll see her again. i know i will.

but i still miss her.

Something that makes me feel a little better....

so most anyone that knows me could tell you that i struggle A LOT with being single. i have numerous friends that are already married and a few that are getting married very soon. nearly everyone my age that i interact with on a semi-regular basis is either married, engaged, or in a serious relationship about to get engaged. and to be quite honest, it sucks! it sucks a whole lot.

i was trying to find a map for jeff today and remembered that mark moore had a ton of resources on his website. so i clicked on over. i also noticed his link to his blog. having taken up the pastime of blog hopping, i decided to click on it to see what i would find, knowing that i more than likely would not understand the majority of it. there's a TON of theology and philosophy that i just have a hard time wrapping my brain around. nevertheless, i clicked on it. and i stumbled upon this post. it gave me a bit of encouragement. here it is, in case you want to read it, but don't want to hop over to another blog:

"Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A Theology of (un)Valentine’s Day

Ah, love is in the air. It is a day to hold hands, sigh sweetly, and make Hallmark a bundle of money. Perhaps this is the cynic coming out of me, but I suspect that for many women this day is a test to see if the old boy will live up to even a minimal standard of affection. One the other hand, for most men, it is unwelcomed added stress on the heels of a taxing Christmas season. Let's face it gentlemen, we just aren't that good at creative gift-giving, especially when it involves chocolate or Victoria's Secret.

There is, however, another side of Valentine's Day that is usually muted, namely, the huge single population for whom this day is a tacit reminder that romantic love is not part of the current fabric of their lives. For them this day betrays the fact that they have no partner with whom to share this level of love—no whispered sweet nothings, no gentle kisses, no promises 'til death doth us part'. That can be a terribly lonely feeling and often society's implicit evaluation of such a state is negative.

However, the word of God speaks differently of singleness. Sure, there are texts where barren women felt abandoned by God (1 Samuel 1:1–10) or where a divorcee was ostracized by a community (John 4:16–19). But for the believer, such a state may be a call of God to single-minded devotion to the kingdom. For example, Paul considered his singleness a gift from God for the work of the Gospel (1 Cor 7:6). He puts it this way: "An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided" (1 Cor 7:32–34). Another example is Philip's four virgin daughters (Acts 21:9). Their singleness was connected to their activity as prophetesses—their devotion to their ministries was mentioned with their marital status. This doesn't prove they were single in order to prophesy, but it is suggestive. One could also note that Jesus was single all his life and it would be difficult to say that he was somehow deficient as a human being because of it. Undoubtedly, Christian singles in the early church experienced the same struggles singles do today—loneliness, vulnerability, and lust, which is probably why Paul had to exhort Timothy to flee youthful lusts (2 Tim 2:22). Nonetheless, Christian singles were, and are, an indispensable part of the body of Christ; often they look more like Jesus, Paul, and Timothy than those who have a significant other.

To those of you who are single, please receive this commendation on this day: According to the Bible, you are not deficient, cursed, or broken (you don't need to be fixed or even 'fixed up'). We thank God for you as persons and for the example you offer of single-minded devotion to Christ. To that end, allow me to give this exhortation: Don't forget our single brothers and sisters for whom Valentine 's Day may be very lonely. If you read this message and agree with the value of singles, carve out the time today to phone an 'unValentine' and affirm his or her value and friendship to you. Buy an extra card or box of chocolates and tell someone without a lover that they are dearly loved.

Mark & Barbara Moore"

a little comfort in what has been a very trying day.