i lead a small life....

for the last few days, i've had a quote running through my head. it's from what many may think is a silly movie; but it's one that i love.

in "you've got mail," meg ryan's character, kathleen kelly, writes to tom hanks' character, joe fox, something that's been rolling through my head for the last few hours. i couldn't figure out where i had heard it and it was driving me nuts. so of course i turned to my trusty friend, Mr. Google.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?"

i've been thinking lately that i don't really do much. i feel most of the time as if i don't do anything for anyone. that i only do things for myself. and the times when i don't feel like i'm being completely selfish, i feel like i just don't matter. i feel like my life is just a speck that's floating in the wind. like one of those little dandelion seeds that you would blow around on a windy day. i feel like i'm insignificant. like i don't matter at all.

i think what kicked off this whole "do i matter?" line of thinking was my birthday.

i turned 25 on saturday. the quarter century mark. it almost doesn't seem possible to me for some reason. i honestly didn't really have much planned going into the weekend. i was probably going to go out Saturday night with Steph and maybe a few other friends too. I was just going to go eat chinese food with mom and dad friday night as always. it wasn't going to be that much different than any other weekend.

it ended up only being me and steph that went out on saturday night. and that reminded me of other birthdays i've had. terrible days that i mostly wish i could forget. i remember one birthday in particular, i wanted to have a skating party. it wasn't a cheap thing to do, but mom and dad relented and paid the money for it. i could invite twelve friends to come. only one showed up. just one. and it hurt. i am pretty sure it was around fifth grade or so. at that time, i was becoming even more insecure and of course no one showing up at my party didn't help matters any at all.

i thought of that, and i began to feel sorry for myself all over again. i started to feel like i didn't matter. why weren't any of my other friends there to celebrate with us? why couldn't i have a special day that was just for me? a day in which everyone just wants to dote on me and make sure that i'm having a good time. is it really such a task?

steph dropped me off and i basically felt like crap. i felt like no one had noticed that God put me on this plant 25 years ago on march 14th. i felt like no one cared.

then i logged on to my facebook. i'd gotten a few texts throughout the day telling me that people had written on my wall, so i wanted to check them out.

and i was amazed. i counted them up tonight. i had 41 different people take time out of their day to wish me a happy birthday. there are a few that i really wish would have taken the time, but i was still very surprised.

do i matter? 41 people telling me happy birthday should tell me that i do... but for some reason, i really just don't feel it. i don't really feel as if i do.

the rest of kathleen kelly's quote echos in my head... "So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book (or in my case, have seen in a movie), when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

do i matter? do i really make a difference to anyone else? like kathleen, i send these questions out into the void. into the silence of the night. good night, dear void. good night.