i suppose it's only fitting that as i would put my head to my pillow and try to really go to sleep, a song would come through the buds of my mp3 player that reminds me so much of her. i suppose that i eventually would have stumbled upon this song and decided that it reminds me of grandma joyce. but it was actually momma that pointed me to the song. she was driving to work one morning and heard it on K-LOVE. not a good combination, considering she was on a highway and then began a bawling mess. but she's right. it's almost as if this song were written for us. it serves as a reminder of a lot of things in this life. and in what Christ has done for us. it reminds me of what grandma has already gotten to do.
one thought that i've been having a lot lately has centered around the fact that i hope to get married someday. it makes me sad and angry all at the same time to know that i don't get to have grandma there in person for that special day. abby and eric both got to have her. but i won't. i won't get to have her there in the room with me before i walk down the isle. i won't have her there to tell me how beautiful i am. she won't be there for me to hug. she won't be there.
i think of all the times that she won't be there and it just makes me so sad. and i think of all the times that she was here... but it's becoming harder and harder for me to remember them. that's what breaks my heart even more. i feel like i'm forgetting her. and i don't want to do that. i feel like i've already done that with grandma francis... i can't do that with grandma joyce too. but it's happening. the memories are starting to fade. and i hate that.
i'm sitting here in our house, and i'm actually surrounded by her. things that were in grandma's house are everywhere here now. momma's brought so much home from grandma and grandpa's house. her piano is sitting next to me. and one of her tea pots. across the room from where i sit you'll find another tea pot and an antique sewing desk that once belonged to my great-grandma, and then my grandma. on the other end of the room, you'll find pieces of crystal that belonged to her. you'll find an old snow globe that we gave grandma for christmas one year sitting on our entertainment center too. she's all around me. and even as i type this, i'm just realizing that i'm sitting here wrapped in a robe that she gave me a few years ago for christmas. and on my bed, as childish as this may seem for someone that is nearly 25 years old, you will find Wrinkles, a stuffed dog that you can put your hand in the back of her head and use her as a puppet. i don't really ever sleep anywhere without Wrinks. it doesn't matter where i look... grandma's all around me.
seeing her things all around is sometimes a good thing. but on nights like this one, somehow... well, they just make it harder. harder to wait. harder to try to be patient. harder to go another day longer without seeing her.
today i miss my grandma. i miss her more than i can put into words. i don't know how long it will be, but i know that i will see her again. maybe tonight. maybe tomorrow. maybe six years from now, maybe sixty years from now. i don't know. but i know i'll see her again.
the song i was telling you about earlier that momma pointed me to... i've probably listened to it at least 15 times just now. it's chris tomlin's "i will rise."
there are two parts of that song that somehow remind me of grandma the most.
one part of the song that reminds me of her is the chorus. it talks about rising on eagles wings. it reminds me of what the end of grandma's life was like. lots of pain. and lots of sorrow on our part. the pain is gone. but the sorrow remains. i only hope that someday soon the sorrow will fade. and i know that ultimately, it will be no more. i know that when grandma's life ended here on earth, she rose above the pain. she rose above the sin in this world. she rose above it all to fall on her knees.
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise
but the easiest part of the song to connect her with would have to be the bridge when tomlin sings:
And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
grandma used to tell me when i was little that we would get to sing with the angels. she always had a great love for angels. and for music. she used to tell me that she couldn't wait until we all got to sing with them in Heaven.
she's singing now. singing with the god that she adored and loved all of her life.
i know i'll see her again. i know i will.
but i still miss her.
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