"what do you need me to do, Daddy?"

so daddy had knee surgery yesterday. momma wasn't able to stay home today to help him because of the kiddos, so i spent the day with daddy. i love him, but i've decided that when he's sick or in pain, he becomes like a little boy. a bit whiny and a little needy. :) but i'm told that's nothing special and that that happens with all men, regardless of age. ;) his request for lunch was mac 'n' cheese with hot dogs in it. i love my daddy.

i would like to think that i didn't hover over him today. but i wanted to make sure that he had everything he needed. i can't tell you how many times i asked him today if he had everything he needed. it was definitely a lot.

at least once today, i asked, what do you need me to do, daddy?

and that got me thinking:

how many times do i ask my Abba Father that question? how many times do i ask God, "what do you need from me, daddy? what do you need me to do?"

being in the place that i am right now, i know that that's a question i should be asking God a lot more. and not out of my own desperation or wanting to feel like i'm doing something for His Kingdom. but every day. in everything.

you see, i don't feel like i'm doing anything for His Kingdom at all. i go to work everyday in a church office. i answer phones. i create bulletins. i print newsletters. and for what? what purpose does all of that serve? how is that building His Kingdom?

i think in the bigger picture of my life it's easier for me to ask "what do you need me to do, daddy?" it's easier to say that i'll go where He leads me. (though that's a much harder thing for me to actually do. but that's another post for another night.)

it's in the little things of life that are hardest for me to ask, "what do you need me to do, daddy?".

it's in the everyday. it's in the mundane. it's in the clearing of a paper jam in the copier. it's in answering the same questions for the same old lady that's already called four times to ask them. it's in getting food for a family of eight, with six precious and beautiful babies. it's in listening to a friend as he searches for God and needs a person to be a sounding board. it's in making my daddy an omelet for breakfast and mac 'n' cheese for lunch.

when i ask Him, "what do you need me to do, daddy?" in the everyday, in the little things that seem as if they don't add up to much... when i do it in the little things, it makes the bigger things come a little more easily.

so here it is. the question i need to start each day with:

"What do you need me to do, Daddy?"

i don't have long... but i need to write.

there has been a ton on my mind lately. a ton that i really should have been blogging/writing about. but instead, i've chosen to try and ignore a lot of things.

you see, when i write, i don't usually just write without a purpose. i write with the purpose of trying to flesh things out in my brain. writing serves as a way for me to really look at what's going on in my life and helps me sort through some of my thoughts and feelings. i've desperately been needing to write, but i'm kind of afraid of what will come out.

even as i'm typing this, i'm censoring myself. which i actually find quite comical. this blog is mine. it's a place where i can come and be real with things. but there's this underlying fear that people will judge me based on what i write here. i have a few friends that actually know about this blog and will be reading this. but in all honesty, the majority of the people that will ever read this i have never met face to face. that thought is comforting to me. and at the same time it makes me sad.

i try to be real and honest with the people i see every day. i really do. but there's this huge fear of judgement from those people. it's something that i've struggled with my entire life. the lovely people pleaser inside of me just won't die. it doesn't matter how hard i try. i just can't kill off the people pleaser in me.

so i wonder. i wonder what the offline people in my life will think when they read this. part of me wishes that none of them would ever read this. but then there's the part of me that feels that if those offline people read this, they would learn who i am. who i really and truly am. but would that change our relationships? would that make them feel differently about me? a small part of me also hopes that if any of my real life friends ever read this they never mention it to me. but then there's another part of me that wants to know they've read it. to know that there is someone in my day to day life that truly knows me.

ugh.

so there are a couple of things rolling through my head. i may write some more later. i'm out of time for now though.

you seriously do not want to come in here. i promise.

i mean it. you really don't want to know what's been swirling around in my head the last few weeks.
it's crazy.
and most of it would probably not make any sense to you at all.

but if you're brave enough, read on. :)

i've known for a while now that after grandpa passed away, i wouldn't be here much longer. but i didn't really know what it would mean. actually, i'm pretty sure that i STILL don't know what that means.

that knowledge is part of what makes up the craziness within me right now. i feel like i'm stuck. i really do. i have a job that i like four out of five days. i do. i really do. but it's that one day that is really throwing me for a loop. i feel like God has something completely different for me. i feel like i'm not supposed to be where i am for much longer.

and yet i'm in a position where i am absolutely petrified of what that means. i have a plan for my life. and i'm wondering if i should really just throw the whole thing out the window. but i know that God wants to use what i am passionate about. throwing out my plan, my dream, really, would mean that i throw out what i'm passionate about too. and i don't think i'm supposed to do that.

i'm terrified of what complete surrender would do to me right now.

in all honesty, i'm in a great position for God to do whatever he wants with me. i don't have a husband to worry about. i don't have kids to raise. i just have me. i'm 26 years old and i'm in a great position for God to pick me up and put me somewhere else.

i don't know if he's going to do that right now though. mostly i know that because i haven't given that over to him completely. i want to. i really and truly do. but i'm scared.

i'm scared that giving in to what he wants means that i won't get to do any of what i want at all.

i need to throw up a sail and allow God to take me where he wants me. i need to let go. i need to give him the control. i need to raise the white flag. i need to surrender.

*sigh*

which brings me to a wonderful post by jon acuff of stuff christians like. oh jon acuff. how you like to allow God to use you to screw me up. and i really do mean that in the best possible way. i really do! i appreciate his authenticity and his willingness to throw out his failures and flubs and show us how God has used them. it's pretty awesome. jon wrote a post yesterday entitled "the soft x." it pretty much ripped me up. in a really good way.

i'm stuck in this place where i don't want to be. i'm stuck in the place where i don't feel like i'm doing anything for God's Kingdom at all. i'm stuck in this place where i feel like i don't matter. i'm stuck. i'm stuck wanting more. i'm stuck needing more. i'm stuck in a place where i don't know or understand what's going to happen next.

while i was reading jon's post yesterday, this paragraph stuck out to me the most. this is what i feel God is telling me right now:

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

i know that he knows. he's got a plan all of his own. and he only needs me to surrender to him. it's still just such a hard thing to do. to give your life away completely. to allow someone else to take the reigns. it's hard.

but it needs to be done.

so here it is God. i'm throwing up the sail. i'm waving the white flag. i'm handing it to you, and i'm not taking it back. take it. take my life and use me for what you want.

you know, my God, you know.

today i'm not ok.

i don't think anyone's really expecting me to be ok right now. but today, i'm definitely not. really i feel more numb than anything i think. i don't really feel much of anything. i have my linkin park playing, which would usually suggest that i'm extremely angry or irritated. i don't know that i'm really THAT angry, but i almost feel like that's what i should be listening to right now. i'm sure that makes absolutely no sense, but hardly anyone reads this blog anyway, so it doesn't matter.

i feel pretty numb, honestly. if i could describe how i feel in two words right now, they would be numb and lost. maybe a bit a scared in there as well. i'll explain those last two in a minute.

grandpa is gone.

i know that i will eventually see him again. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of that stupid cancer anymore. i know that he's not suffering through the pain of living without grandma. but somehow, it almost seems like those things aren't making me feel any better at all. and i don't know how to deal with that.

feeling number two, lost, brings about feeling number three, scared.

i've known for a few years now, that part of the reason why God brought me home for this season was to be here for my family through all of the big changes we've had in the last five years. abby's marriage to shawn, the birth of my niece and nephews, mom switching schools twice, finding out grandma had cancer, losing grandma, mom getting so sick the last couple years, finding out grandpa had cancer, mom retiring, and now losing grandpa too.

good changes and bad. just... changes. some have been easier on the family than others, but some of them i don't know how we've made it through.

i've had a lot of changes in my life too, i guess. most of them involved working at the church. this church has been through so much in the last few years that it's almost unbelievable. it may be selfish of me to think this, but i think that part of the reason God brought me home was to help with all of the changes he wanted to make here.  not a lot of people know, but there were three of us a few years ago that started praying that God would prune and mold and shape our church into what he wanted it to be. we told him we didn't care if it was hard or if it hurt, we wanted to be in his will. not long after that was when everything started happening. sorry everyone. i'm starting to get off on that and that's not what i wanted to do. really i just want to mention that i think God had me here for a few reasons related to the church.

for the last couple of years though, since grandpa was diagnosed, i've known that my life would change a lot when he went home. i've known that i'm here to help momma and daddy through things. through all of the changes and all of the hard stuff. i don't know that we'll ever get completely through all of it though.

something that's been running through my head the last year or so though, is that i won't be here much longer. i know that i'm not leaving tomorrow or anything, but i know deep down in my soul that God's not going to have me here much longer. i know that, but i have no idea what that means.

i feel like i'm kind of in limbo right now. i don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life anymore. i don't know what God wants me to do. i don't know who he wants me to be. i feel like i don't know anything anymore. hence the feeling of being lost.

and with that comes the feeling of being scared. i am completely petrified of what lies ahead for me. i have never done too well with change anyway, and i don't know if God is going to take me through big changes or little ones. i just know that he's going to change something. and it scares the crap out of me.

i better quite now. i'm done with my break at work and i need to stop writing before i completely lose it.

this week is only going to get harder, i think. and i'm so not looking forward to it.

*sigh*

my momma

so i was writing a post about me and my insecurities... and realized that that's not what i want to write about tonight. i want to write about my momma.

she's been through more in the last three and a half years than i think i could possibly ever endure. she's shown more grace, more compassion, more wisdom, and more strength than any other woman i've ever seen.

it all started three and a half years ago when grandma joyce, my mom's mom, went into the hospital. she and grandpa had both been ill around Christmas in 2006, so we didn't get so spend Christmas with them like we usually did. a couple of days after Christmas, grandma went into the hospital. after tons of tests, we learned that she had an inoperable tumor in her brain. treatment wasn't likely to be too effective. it sucked.

but i watched momma as she cared for grandma. she made sure that she was at the hospital all day long. every day. she waited with grandma for answers. she kept everyone informed. she put her life on hold to care for her momma. i don't know a ton about momma's childhood, but i know that grandma and grandpa were very hard on momma in a lot of ways. so much so that grandma and mom's relationship suffered. but i watched momma put all of that aside and focus on caring and loving grandma and grandpa through everything.

for four months, we went through treatment. in and out of the hospital in wichita and in hutch. here... there... all over. and momma still made herself available and was there whenever she could be. she was still teaching full time during the whole thing as well. her students' education didn't suffer a bit. they didn't miss a beat. she was amazing through it all.

losing grandma is one of the hardest things that i've ever been through. i can't imagine how hard it was for momma. there were so many times she was there with a warm smile and a reminder that we all know where grandma is. that we'll see her again. that we're only separated for a while.

losing your mom is something i NEVER want to go through. i don't think that i could handle it with half of the grace and faith that momma has.

factor in that the last three-ish years momma has had horrid principals and experiences at school... good night. she had so many different things getting thrown at her. she was torn down repeatedly by her peers. made to feel like she couldn't be an effective teacher any more. she was constantly told that she was wrong and that her kids weren't learning anything. all of these things were such lies!

and yet, momma held her tongue when she needed to. she stood up for herself when she could. she didn't let her temper get the better of her. she was patient with the people that seemed out to ruin her and everything that she has put into teaching for the last 16 years. she jumped through the hoops she was forced to jump through. she did everything they told her to.

i won't lie to you and say that she did it all with a huge smile on her face. because she most definitely didn't do that. who could? yeah, there were a couple of times that she almost let harsh and hurtful words come out of her mouth. she is human, after all.

but through everything, she always told me the same thing: she prayed for all of those people. all of those people that hurt her. that continue to have such a detrimental effect on my mom. she continues to pray for them even now. does she like them? absolutely not. but she still continues to pray for her enemies. prays that they will come to know Christ and the saving grace that he provides.

she's not teaching anymore. and i know that she's struggling with finding who she is now that she's not teaching full time. suddenly not doing something that you've done every day for the last 16 years is something i can't even imagine.

she's a retired teacher now. not necessarily by her choice either. she may not be in a classroom anymore. but my momma... she's still a teacher. she's one of the best teachers anyone could ever learn from. she's shown great humility. she's shown great compassion. she's shown perseverance. she's shown love. she's shown patience. she's shown grace. she's shown strength. she's shown faith.

all of this rambling (and i really did ramble a lot there, didn't i?) to really only say one thing:

i'm proud of my momma.

i couldn't ask for a better person for God to have chosen to raise me. she's everything i ever want to be in a woman. in a wife. in a mother.

she's the best example i've ever known.

she's my momma.